Content Warning: Frank talk of eating disorders, including anorexia and bulimia.
Dawn Taylor welcomes Renee Stribbell to the podcast to shed light on disordered eating, body image, and how food is not the devil. Renee shares her very personal journey through binge eating disorder and how she has worked to overcome her trauma and struggles in order to see food as simply food.
Renee realized in her late 20s that she likely had an eating disorder but looking back, she understands that her relationship with food had always been unhealthy. She suffered from binge eating disorder and though she attempted anorexia and bulimia to deal with her eating, she simply couldn’t release the comfort that food was to her. She discovered Overeaters Anonymous in 2010 and shares with Dawn the good and bad lessons she learned from them.
Dawn and Renee revisit Renee’s decision to step away from Overeaters Anonymous after eleven years and why she needed to stop food having any control over her. They discuss how food itself does not contain emotion and is not the devil, and they detail the difficult but rewarding ways in which Renee regained her power over herself and her relationship with eating.
About Renee Stribbell:
Renee Stribbell has been in the financial industry since 1997. She began working for the Big Banks and in 2003 decided to go on her own and become a mortgage broker. She has never looked back!
After over 22 years in the financial industry and assisting over 3000 clients, Renee considers herself an expert in mortgage lending. She takes pride in ensuring that each client that works with her is treated equally, regardless of their circumstances, and has a passion for educating and guiding each client through the mortgage process.
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
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Dawn Taylor - The Taylor Way: website | facebook | instagram | linkedin
Renee Stribbell - Broker/Owner at Your Mortgage Needs: website | linkedin
Transcript:
Dawn Taylor 00:09
Good morning and welcome to the Taylor Talks Podcast. Today on the show, we have the amazing Renee Stribbell. She is a mom, a girlfriend, a business owner, a leader, she is so many things, but she also is a recovered addict. Today we're gonna dive into the topic of 'food is not the devil'. Sound like something you might need to hear? And after the show, please listen for instructions on where to find a super awesome giveaway.
Dawn Taylor 00:41
Oh my goodness, as you just heard, I am sitting with the incredible Renee Stribbell. And we know each other outside of just the podcast, we've done coaching together, some things like that. But you have a big one that when we were talking, you were like this - this is what people need to learn and what to talk about. Renee, what is the thing you wish people had talked about that you wish wasn't so shameful and a secret?
Renee Stribbell 01:07
Probably around food and that it's not a bad or a good thing? It's just a thing, right?
Dawn Taylor 01:14
Food is not the devil.
Renee Stribbell 01:15
It's not the devil. It's just... it's just a thing.
Dawn Taylor 01:19
Right, so let's dive into this. Because this is a big topic for a lot of people, is eating and food and diets and body image and self worth. And all of those things. And especially anybody who was raised like 70s / 80s / 90s with like the Kate Mosses of the world and this belief of what we had to look like. Man, I don't know a mom that wasn't in Weight Watchers or those tops classes or doing the, like, Jane Fonda aerobics, you know, Tuesday, Thursday mornings at 10am at the aqua center, right? Like, this is your childhood too. This is very much how we were raised. For you, where did your journey with food start and tell us a little bit about your story.
Renee Stribbell 02:03
Well, my journey with food actually started when I was quite young, I was seven years old, I was a bit pudgy, you know, I look back at pictures and I really wasn't, but, I mean, believed I was very, very pudgy. And, you know, I was kind of of the belief system - because that was the belief system that was generated - was if you were thin, you were happy. Right? If you're thin, your looks, if you looked good, if your hair was done, if you had a nice shapely body, if you had all this kind of stuff, then you're happy. And if you weren't, then you were unhappy, you know. And I think we began, dieting - I began dieting at that age, right? And it was just, I started to develop this relationship with food that was there was good food, and there was bad food. And if I ate food, therefore if I eat the bad food, therefore I was bad. But I really liked the bad food. I enjoyed it. It was tasty, you know, and then it turned into this thing where food became that comfort for me at a very young age. You know, I had big emotions, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I still do. I feel everything, and food was that thing that kind of just maybe settled me down a little bit and became a friend. It became that thing that I would use to just kind of get through those big times in my life, those big emotions. Right? So it started when I was seven and, you know, and then the shame started to build with it too. You know, because I would gain weight because I was eating, but I didn't want to stop eating because it was the only thing I had in my life that made me feel good even for short, tiny bits of time. And so as I got older, it's just the cycle, like you would, you're always on a diet, you're thinking about a diet, you're eating the foods on the diet and restricting, and then you're, you know, and then you're breaking the diet. You're cheating, which is a word--
Dawn Taylor 03:51
The worst word in diet history ever.
Renee Stribbell 03:54
I cheated. Oh my god, I'm so bad, you know, and then you get this shame cycle and it just builds and builds. And one thing about an eating disorder, it's not something all of a sudden you just wake up and you have it. You know, it's built over time and you don't even realize - like, I didn't realize I had an actual eating disorder until I was well into my late 20s. You know, I just thought that I couldn't control myself, I couldn't lose weight. Like, I just couldn't lose weight. So it was one of those things where I didn't even realize that I had some unhealthy connections with food.
Dawn Taylor 04:26
Well and let's break it down a little bit more. So a few things even just what you said, like cheating. We are ingrained even in school, like, cheating is awful and bad and it's horrible, because it is, it goes against morally and ethically who we are as humans to cheat. So then when we incorporate that into an action or an activity, even in our eating... okay, so I'm having this day where I actually enjoy my food or I eat things I quote/unquote shouldn't, but now I've attached this horrible disgusting word to it, which just adds so much shame. Like, just like the shame you're attaching to food before you put it in your body, like that is so ridiculously unhealthy. But also going back, what was your parents' relationship like with food?
Renee Stribbell 05:15
You know, I can't really comment on my dad, because I never really noticed. But my mom was the same, she had, she had just a really unhealthy relationship with food. And she struggled with her weight. You know, she didn't want me to go through the same thing, right? Because kids, you know, when you're young, they kind of can be jerks. And they can be mean if you're overweight, and things like that, you know. Her intention was pure, she just, she didn't want me to go through that. And she struggled with it, too. So her relationship with food was very similar to what I was building, like a lot of shame around to it, there was good and bad. So you were bad if you ate this, and I think that's a really important distinction. It's not you shame yourself, if you eat a bad food, or you cheat, then you therefore are bad. Like, this is right at the core of who you are, you are a bad, bad person, if you do this. And that was a belief system that was ingrained in me at a very young age. And not just from my mom, but just from just everyone. That's just the way it was.
Dawn Taylor 06:13
Society as a whole.
Renee Stribbell 06:15
Right? Yeah, it was just, I didn't really, I was surrounded by people that had an unhealthy relationship with food and body image.
Dawn Taylor 06:24
Oh, 100%. So when did you realize that it was such a big issue? You talk about realizing you had, that you had an eating disorder in your late 20s. So for most people listening, they're probably thinking bulimia, anorexia, you know, they're thinking those ones, but you you had gone in the opposite direction.
Renee Stribbell 06:46
I had a binge eating disorder. And so I, the amount of volume of food that I could ingest in one period of time was, like, astronomical. But it was... so I probably should say that the reason that I had that is because I hated myself. And when I looked in the mirror, I just saw this fat, you know, and one of the things that people would always say to me, 'oh, you have such a pretty face'.
Dawn Taylor 07:12
Oh, isn't that the greatest backhanded compliment ever?
Renee Stribbell 07:16
And they'd say it in such a way with that, like, 'oh, I'm so sorry'. You know?
Dawn Taylor 07:20
Yeah, I've gotten that since the aneurysm. Right? Yeah. You're beautiful for a fat girl. Right? That's my personal favorite. I'm like, thank you?
Renee Stribbell 07:30
Yes. Thank you so much.
Dawn Taylor 07:32
Yeah, you hugged me and slapped me at the same time.
Renee Stribbell 07:37
So I got to the point where I'd look in the mirror and I never looked lower than my chin. Like, I would look at my face. And I'd never look at my body because I couldn't. When I looked at my body, I was disgusted. It was kind of a funny thing. Because when I looked at my body, and I discuss it, I tried. I remember watching the movie about Karen Carpenter and - The Carpenters - and she had anorexia nervosa. And most people would watch that movie and just be like, 'oh, my goodness'. I thought of it is the best diet in the universe. When I watched that movie, I was like, 'that's it'. Right? I'm gonna just not eat. And if I do eat, I'm gonna throw up. And so I was like, this is perfect. Because the bulimia, like, binge eating disorders, the difference really is binge eating is you still binge with bulimia, but you don't throw it up. You just eat it.
Dawn Taylor 08:24
You just just actually eat it.
Renee Stribbell 08:25
Yeah. And so I discovered that I wasn't really good. I didn't enjoy not eating. Because like, I couldn't do it. But then I was like, I love food so much. So I'm going to I'm going to binge and purge, and I didn't like purging. So then I kind of threw that out the window and I just binged. I could eat. I mean, my God, I remember... this is what triggered the whole thing. I was with my - I don't think I was married yet, I may have been I don't think I was - but I was with my husband at the time. And I had gone to my yet again Weight Watchers meeting, because I had been to every diet - I've done every diet imaginable. And I went to the meeting, and we're doing a little group session, we're talking, you know, just sharing. And I said, do you ever - I think about it now and no wonder people looked at me like I had 10 heads. But I said, 'do you ever go to the pantry and just open the door and stuff your face to the point that you're going to be sick, and then you be sick, and then you go back and eat more?' And all 40 people in the room looked at me like I had 10 heads. Right? And I was like, oh, this isn't normal. I thought it was normal. I thought this is what people did. And I just didn't have enough willpower to lose weight. That was the problem. It wasn't that I had an issue, I didn't think. So I went home and... I went home, I went to the pantry to begin to stuff my face. I stood there and I just started to cry. Because I just realized at that moment that what I was doing was not normal. And I said to my my husband at the time, I'm like, I wonder if like I've heard of 12 step programs. Do you think that there's a 12 step program for people like me? Because I said to him, I'm like, I think I have a problem with food. He's like, 'yeah', like he knew. But he just, I said, 'do you think that there's a program out there for me?', and that's what brought me to Overeaters Anonymous, OA. That was in 2010. And that's what brought me, I was like, 'oh, my goodness, I have problem with food', You know?
Dawn Taylor 10:27
Huge. And with that, there's often when there is - and we don't have to get into it - but often when there is, you know, an eating disorder, or a hatred of your body or hatred, there's usually a trauma attached to that, right? Where it's, something has happened. And it doesn't even have to be a huge thing. But something has happened. Right? That has caused us to view ourselves as not worthy or ugly or gross. I mean, for me, it was overhearing a conversation about talking about how curvy I was already at nine years old. And how it was a problem and how could my mum cover me better for when I was swimming with my cousin? Right? It wasn't even a huge trauma in the eyes of society. But that at that age already had imprinted so hard in my brain that my body was gross. Right. So with that, I know Overeaters Anonymous has been, it's an interesting topic for you. So let's let you guide where this goes. What happened with that, and your relationship with food after you joined OA?
Renee Stribbell 11:43
I went to my first meeting. And, I mean, OA is a 12 step program. So everybody's quite familiar with those. And Overeaters Anonymous does follow the Alcoholics Anonymous big book. To be honest with you, the first time I went to a meeting, I sat there, it didn't really say a word. But it actually was, it felt good, because the people in that room were saying what I was saying, they were experiencing what I was experiencing, and they were open about it. And some of them laughed about it. And it was just this like, okay, these people understand me, like, I didn't know I had an eating disorder. And then I went into that meeting. And I was like, and I already knew, and I was like, oh, boy, this is something that I knew. But now I'm like, oh, dear, this is something I have to look at. And then those people were like, 'yeah, we do the same things you do with food'. And it was like, I felt, for the first time in my life, I felt safe. And I felt heard. And I was like, I'm not alone. And it was, it was really, really good. And we, I was in OA for a bit and then I left and then I came back over a period of well it's 2022 so last year, I left OA for good, but it was 11 years. 11 years of my life was in and out of OA. We'll get to why I left in a bit. But what OA taught me for a really long time was that, you know, you can, you can work through a lot of this kind of stuff when you have support. There's a lot of great things that I learned from OA and there was a camaraderie and a community that that I had. It was mine. And I could be myself in those rooms. And I could say the ridiculous things I did around food, like buying a dozen doughnuts for my family and eating them before I even got home. You know, and then having supper, and, you know, things like that, and binge eating on chocolate bars and things like that. I could do that. And nobody was like, *gasp*, you know, it was just like, 'yeah, did that too'.
Dawn Taylor 13:38
Because they had been there.
Renee Stribbell 13:39
Yeah, yeah. So there was a lot of that. And I think it was built on that. And I relied on it quite a bit. And it did help me in a lot of ways, you know, and there's there's a lot of benefits inside of the 12 step program, because one of the things that it teaches you is number one to grow up and stop blaming everybody else for your problems. And right, like, yeah, so there was a lot of--
Dawn Taylor 14:01
-- own your shit --
Renee Stribbell 14:02
Keep your side of the street clean, all that kind of stuff, the 12 steps, the premise of it is fabulous. Now one of the things that - I might just jump a bit - is one of the things about an eating disorder or something like that, it encompasses your entire life. Every decision that you make, everything that you do, that is always in the background guiding you, right, because you have no self worth, you have no self esteem. You have no idea who you are, what you what you stand for. You get into relationships because you're trying to find somebody that can feed that insecure part of you, right. So the decisions that you make, the businesses you do, everything, it's all skewed by this. What happened was when I started, I put the food down and I started working the 12 steps, a lot of things came clear that I'd made some decisions in my life that I probably wouldn't have made if I wasn't heavily involved in the eating disorder and all of the mental stuff that goes with it. And so I had to make some tough decisions in my life and OA actually helped me through that. Right? Because I wasn't eating over it, I had to put the food down, and I had to actually face some of these things.
Dawn Taylor 14:03
Well, it was... you couldn't run from your emotions anymore.
Renee Stribbell 15:11
No.
Dawn Taylor 15:12
That's often the hardest, right? With addiction - and I see this every day with clients, right - is with addiction, when you're no longer participating in your addiction, you still have to find something to run away from your emotions with. Right? So either you have to actually sit and face what you were running from in the first place, or people often will just find a new addiction. Right? They'll just find something else to take their mind off of it, to drown out those emotions and the voices in their head, to still protect themselves. Because so much of the addiction, I believe it's just, it's a protective mechanism.
Renee Stribbell 15:50
Absolutely.
Dawn Taylor 15:51
You just happened to stumble upon that thing that calmed your brain for a second. Yours just happened to be food.
Renee Stribbell 15:58
It happened to be food, food was the primary thing. But let me tell you, I everything that I did in my life was to escape who I was, and who I... I didn't want to be me. I hated myself. I hated every part of me. I had no worth. So yeah, it was food, but let me tell you, I worked way too hard. I probably drank too much. You know, I did all of these things to excess. Everything was to excess. I shopped too much, I spent too much money, I did all that kind of stuff. But food was the primary one, for sure. That was the one. But when I started putting that stuff down, what do you think happened to the other stuff, I kind of went a little nutty for awhile. They just got real bad. But I was refusing to see that. And then, I mean, OA was great. I lost 120 pounds, I felt good. So I used to - and I'll give you like - near the end of my OA experience, one of the things is, you know, I'm addicted to sugar. And so one of, okay, so one of the things that they say, and it's common, is I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. That's a standard thing, in OA, because you admit that you are powerless, and you need to get help, really, and find a higher power to help you through this. Right? And some people it's God, some people it's universe, some people, you know, whatever it is. So find this, basically, it's just ask for help is really what it means. And surrender and trust that, you know, you just you can't control this thing. So that's the belief system that I believed, was for the rest of my life I will be powerless over food and my life will be unmanageable if I ingest the addictive foods that cause me to be powerless, or engage in binge eating behavior or anything like that. So I... it was so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't see, like I was a compulsive eater, I was an overeater, I was going to be that for the rest of my life. And food, ironically, became the most powerful thing in my life. Because I gave it power when I was a kid. But when I put it down, I gave it more power. And I had no idea that that's what I was doing. Because when you say you are powerless over something, you mean that it has power over you, it controls every facet of you. And when I realized that, thanks to your help, I was like, oh crap. I've given food everything. I got to the point where I had to text my foods everyday to a sponsor, I could not deviate from what I had indicated. If I did, I had to text them and give them a very good reason as to why. And I would go to, I would come visit my boyfriend and I would bring a grocery store with me. Like I would bring all of the food that I had to eat because I had to weigh and measure and record and report everything that went in my mouth.
Dawn Taylor 18:52
Well, and food that was actually making you physically ill.
Renee Stribbell 18:56
It was, it was healthy food.
Dawn Taylor 18:57
Like you literally, it was healthy food, but you remember the day that I was like, what if you just didn't? And you were like, what? And I'm like, it's physically making you ill to eat what you're having to eat. And you're like, but this is what they told me I have to eat to stay healthy.
Renee Stribbell 19:12
Yeah, I was physically sick, like, and my stomach was in pain all the time. And like my digestive system was a disaster. And so, you know, but I was losing weight. I felt great. And you know, one of the things that OA did teach me is once I lost 120 pounds, I finally went, I can lose weight. I can lose weight. I convinced myself for years that I just, I couldn't, I wasn't capable of... but that taught me that I could. I know what I need to do, just not to that extreme. But it was like, do you know what it's like to go to somebody's house and bring a grocery store, or go to somebody's house and they've made you dinner and you have to say no? Or you want to plan a vacation but you're terrified because you do not know what the restaurants are in Mexico and you don't know how you're going to eat there. And the stress that it causes for the people around... but I had accepted that that was what I was going to have to do to remain sane. Right, like that's what we're taught. And another thing is, is when you're in OA, part of this little club, and normal people just don't understand. So you kind of get in your little, your little bubble, with people that get you, nobody else gets you and they don't even understand. You know, what else I found out is I taught my son. And this is probably one of the biggest things that shifted for me, was I had taught my son that I had some allergy to food, that I was different than other people, and I created.... Here's a funny thing, I went to OA to stop having an eating disorder but I think I actually created one. But I taught my son that I was, there was something that was wrong with me. Does that mean that maybe I taught him that he thought maybe something was wrong with him too? You, when I was talking to you, I was celebrating my one year, it was 2021. And I had actually, I had lost the 120 pounds and I had booked my tummy tuck surgery, because I wanted to get rid of all the excess skin, because I loved my body. I just didn't love the extra skin. Which, by the way, that's not how it works. You either love it all or you don't, it's just the way it is. So I booked that, celebrated my one year, and I was talking to you on the day that it was my one year of abstinence. So clean and sober, essentially, is what it means. By abstinence, I followed this great measured food plan for a year, lost the weight, and I was celebrating. You posed a question to me, and it rocked my entire world. And by this time, you and I had been working together what a year, by this point?
Dawn Taylor 21:28
No, not even It wasn't very long at that point. No.
Renee Stribbell 21:33
And you said to me, like you know that OA doesn't own your recovery. And I looked at you. And you shattered me, you shattered everything. And you were like, you did it. That's yours, not them. I sat there and I didn't even, I didn't even know... because I attribute, because I think - you're, correct me if I'm wrong - I was talking about how OA saved my life. She was like no they didn't.
Dawn Taylor 21:56
No, it was like, you did. You did the work.
Renee Stribbell 21:59
Yeah. And I was like, nope, nope, couldn't have done it myself. I, you know, and all this kind of stuff. And it shattered me. It eventually got to a couple of well, not even that long. We talked about me leaving OA. And then one day I was like I'm done. April 1 I was done. You know, a month later.
Dawn Taylor 22:15
Yes. I remember that day when I said that. And the the flood of emotions that came across your face from like, rage, to fear, to more rage. Excited and back to rage, like you were, like, yeah, it definitely shattered you in that moment. But the conversation that happened after was what if you actually owned your own recovery? What if you took charge of it? And what if you stopped identifying as a compulsive binge eater and stopped identifying as all those things so that you stopped creating it?
Renee Stribbell 22:51
Yes. I didn't know how to handle that when you said that. I just didn't. Yeah, I didn't. And it basically, it shocked me. But I think partly it hit me so hard and shocked me so much, because you were right. You were right. And I just, I knew that. I knew that. But I didn't know what to do with it. There was a tiny eensy weensy glimmer of hope that maybe I could be normal. I couldn't, I couldn't see how I was gonna get there. I had no idea how I was gonna get there. But I knew that I had you. And--
Dawn Taylor 23:28
You're like I can call you, and be like, what the hell?
Renee Stribbell 23:30
What is going on, right? So I get emotional about this. But it just rocked me to the core because I believed that I was just going to be a binge eater or compulsive eater for the rest of my life. That's just the way it was. And then we made the decision to leave OA, I was terrified. And it was really funny because I called my sponsor, and told her, and I said, I've made the decision to go my own way, I'm leaving OA. She was just like, this not going to work, essentially, was the general message. Like you're going to fail and you're going to eat again and you're going to get fat and you're going to, you know, all this kind of stuff - was essentially the message that was given to me. Because that's what we believe. When somebody leaves the program, we kind of like, 'oh, dear, they're back out'. They're back out there. They're eating again. You know, when you when you talk to somebody, a lot of times when you call in, or you talk to somebody in the program, like how's your food, like usually first questions, you know, how's food, eating? How's your abstinence? You know, like, it's not like, how are you, like how you doing? Right? It's a really interesting thing. And when I left OA, it's kind of like, like a really bad divorce at first. Because you're just like, anger, you're like angry, and then you're trying to figure out what the problem is. When you've been programmed for that long to believe certain things, to break that programming is really hard, psychologically and emotionally. You're very lost on who you are. I was so lost. I just, I was so lost. I didn't know and I was angry. Because I felt that OA took so much from me, they took 10 years of my life. You know, where would I have been if I didn't go there? And I was really, really angry for a long time. And then we, you and I did some exercises around food and I remember I was talking to you one day, and I think we're just talking about, like, I really wanted nachos and cheese or something. I can't remember where it was.
Dawn Taylor 25:20
You wanted chips and salsa. You wanted chips and salsa, you were like, but I can't, that's bad.
Renee Stribbell 25:25
That's bad. And it's not at my mealtime. Like, I can't have snacks. And you were like, go get one. And I was like...
Dawn Taylor 25:33
I remember that.
Renee Stribbell 25:35
And if anybody's listening to this, and resonates with this, is you think about it, like I think about it now and I can laugh about it, but let me tell you in that moment, it was the scariest thing that I had to do. Because I had believed 150% with every fiber of my being, that if I ate that chip, one chip, if I ate that chip, then my life would fall apart. That I would unravel. That I would lose it all.
Dawn Taylor 26:03
Well, you've been taught, though, that then you broke your abstinence. And then you lost your recovery from eating that one chip. And remember that's when we had talked about what is food? What is it? Food doesn't hold emotion. It doesn't hold any of that. It's just food. Like, it's not the devil. It is a singular potato chip. But when we've been raised, where emotion is so attached to food... food is not in the emotion... like emotions aren't in the food. Emotions are attached to the food. Right? We're like, we know that at birthdays, we have cake. Right? We know that like at all of the celebratory times in our lives, all of these things, we reward ourselves with that we eat when we're sad, we eat when we're happy, we eat when we're grieving, we eat when we're celebrating, like... it does, it becomes a whole thing. Where food doesn't actually have emotion. It's just food.
Renee Stribbell 27:03
Just food.
Dawn Taylor 27:04
Right. And I know that was the exercise that we had gone through that day was, it was like look at the chip, like what does it feel? Like what are all the emotions coming up? And then we faced them. So talk about that and how we did that?
Renee Stribbell 27:17
You made me look up... I just, I don't want to minimize it.
Dawn Taylor 27:21
No, it sounds totally silly thinking about it. But in that moment, it was so big for you in that moment.
Renee Stribbell 27:29
And I'm looking at the chip in the salsa, and you're like, okay, what... I'm like, it's just it's a chip, it's... and you made me describe it and things like that. And I really wanted it, I wanted the chips and salsa, and I looked at the chip and it represented to me failure. It represented a break in my abstinence. It represented that if who I was as a person, I was, I was making a decision, I was defying... I was defying because I was bad. I was cheating. I was...
Dawn Taylor 28:01
Those words.
Renee Stribbell 28:02
Oh God, you know, and I was just a failure. And I was just worthless. And I'm destroying what I built. I know I'm looking down because I'm pretending I'm looking at the chip that, you know, because I had it sitting right here. Actually, I was in this room he did not room. And so I had it sitting right here and all of this flood of emotions came. And you were like, okay, let's... you eat the chip. And I couldn't... I did. And then I I took a bite and I broke down. I completely broke down. Everything just came flooding about all of the things that I have just wrecked everything, I have just destroyed everything that I've tried so hard to to do. And I tasted it. I remember I don't remember the taste of the chip. It was good. But I don't remember, I just remember what it symbolized. And at that moment, I was terrified. Absolutely terrified of what I've done. And how many times did I say to you, I should go back to OA. I just, it was like, it was like going back to an abusive marriage. It was just like, I just had to go back. I just didn't know. I had absolutely no faith in myself. Right? It was just a frickin chip. But at that time it was my life, it symbolized my life.
Dawn Taylor 29:22
And facing the emotions that you had attached to it. That it was like, okay, so these are the emotions that you've been running from, now, how do we deal with those? Right? To heal that and take the emotions off of the food so the food can actually just be the medicine that fuels your body. And that's it. It doesn't have to be, like we keep coming back to this, but like, food isn't the devil.
Renee Stribbell 29:46
No, no.
Dawn Taylor 29:47
Food is a double edged sword, is what it is. It can be amazing and beautiful and it can feed you and nourish you and give you energy and keep you going. But if we attach a horrible meaning to it...
Renee Stribbell 30:01
It can just, it controls you.
Dawn Taylor 30:03
It controls you and destroys you. So we went through a whole lot of work. Right? And looking back at, you know, what had gone on, the relationship of food, all those things. I remember one time, and I know you've given me permission to share some stuff, right?
Renee Stribbell 30:25
No, go ahead.
Dawn Taylor 30:26
We had gone to a farmers market together. And we'd been working through so much of, like, the emotion towards food and the anger towards it and the hatred of it. And I said, 'okay, so let's test it, and see what happens'. And we went to a farmers market and a really good one with, like, amazing baking and all the cheat foods, right? And as we walked around, every time you'd be like, 'oh, that I'm not allowed that', I'd be like, 'okay, let's buy it'. And I don't want to know how many hundreds of dollars we spent on food that day at the farmers market. But we took it back to my office. And we sat and looked at it. And I was like, take a bite. And one by one - do you remember that? And we went item by item and there was no emotion left. And you could eat like one little bite and you were like, that's enough.
Renee Stribbell 31:25
Yeah.
Dawn Taylor 31:26
Right? You, at no point did you need to binge it, right? And we even tested with, like, we put a bunch of it even in your room. Like you took it home with you and had it and threw it out however many days later, because you were like, it doesn't hold the power anymore. Like, I could take a bite and be okay with it. Because it wasn't in charge of me, I was in charge of it.
Renee Stribbell 31:51
Yes, yeah, that was huge. That was that was life changing, really. I got to the point where I actually saw what I, like, the gifts that I did receive from OA, because there was a lot of gifts. I finally was able to let go the anger that I had attached to it.
Dawn Taylor 32:06
Oh, there were so many gifts.
Renee Stribbell 32:08
Oh, so many gifts. But what I learned was, is OA, when I was starting out, and I was so deep into it, and I was just so broken around it, I didn't know what to do, OA did. Going to OA probably shifted and saved my life at that moment. And gave me tools and also taught me that I actually was capable. Once I realized that it was me doing it, you know, but one of the things that I feel that, you know, it can only take you so far. And I think there's a difference between living and having a life, and I think I was surviving. And I was living. But was I truly loving and living my life to the fullest of my capabilities? No, I was not. And food still had more control over me in OA than it did before. Because it was the only focus, that I focused so much on my behaviors around food, and what I ate and when I ate, and all that kind of stuff, so yeah, it became a really big focus of my life. I fully live now, but I wasn't fully living then. But I had to do the hard work.
Dawn Taylor 33:14
You did have to do the hard work.
Renee Stribbell 33:16
Go through all the traumas. Gosh.
Dawn Taylor 33:21
Heal some pain!
Renee Stribbell 33:23
Heal the pain and go back to the reasons why I used food. But I had to go all the way back, all the way back to those times. And it was like, okay, this is the reason, this is the attachment. This is how I developed an attachment with food. And this is why I have the attachment. And one of the things in 12 step programs, what they talk about, and I'll say OA mainly because I haven't really attended the other ones, is how you got here really doesn't matter. Like, and I think what they're saying is, you know, like, it's nobody's fault that you're here, but how you get there actually really, really matters if you want to truly heal. And it's not about blame. It's not about saying my parents weren't good enough, they didn't raise me right, or they didn't love me, or whatever. It's nothing to do with that. It's how did I get to the point where I'm making the decisions that I'm making? And how can I let go and forgive and just love, and go through compassion, and things like that so that it no longer drives my decisions. And that's healing and that's beautiful.
Dawn Taylor 34:27
Oh, and yeah, it's been really cool to be part of your journey with that. So for somebody else listening that is like, whoa. Okay, so I don't maybe I don't binge eat, maybe I'm not even like fully anorexic, maybe I'm not whatever. But I have a really unhealthy relationship with food. What is one piece of advice or a glimmer of hope or something that you could give them?
Renee Stribbell 34:52
If I had to say something, is number one, you're not alone. You know, there's so many of us and we need to talk about it more. And we need to not be ashamed about it.
Dawn Taylor 35:01
I don't know very many people that don't have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Renee Stribbell 35:05
And I think it's okay just to talk about it and let go of the shame around it, because shame will keep you eating. Shame will keep you in that space. But you're okay, you can handle more than you think you can. And eating whatever it is that day to take away the pain,
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