Real Talk With Susan & Kristina

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Have you ever wished for a comprehensive guide to help navigate those challenging and uncomfortable moments in parenting? We're Susan Stone and Kristina Supler—full-time moms and dedicated student attorneys at KJK. Our careers in student advocacy provide a unique perspective, but fundamentally, we're two moms sharing the wisdom gathered from our experiences at home and in the courtroom. Our podcast delves into the essential aspects of parenting, covering a wide spectrum of topics. We dissect trends, examine case studies, and draw from expert opinions in each episode, aiming to equip you with insights on raising resilient kids in our constantly changing world. Please join us as we delve into some 'Real Talk.' read less
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Real Talk: Navigating College Acceptance Season
17-04-2024
Real Talk: Navigating College Acceptance Season
Welcome to this week's episode of Real Talk! In this installment, hosts Susan and Kristina delve into the high-stakes world of college admissions alongside guest Davida Amkraut. As the trio navigates the aftermath of a particularly competitive admissions season, they offer invaluable insights, tips, and tricks to help listeners make informed decisions. With the college acceptance landscape resembling a bloodbath this year, many students have found themselves admitted to schools that weren't necessarily their first choice. Parents, this episode is essential listening as the team breaks down what you need to know before sending your child off to college. And for upcoming seniors, they provide crucial advice on staying ahead of the curve and crafting a strategic plan for the college application process. Tune in for a candid discussion packed with insider knowledge and practical guidance!   About Davida Amkraut: Davida is an Independent College Consultant who serves as the saving grace for students and families in crisis who are navigating the complex college application process. Whether a student finds themselves in trouble and is applying to college for the first time, or is transitioning from one university to another due to a Title IX or other university-related misconduct claim, Davida helps young adults shape their stories so that they gain acceptance into college.   TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Supler. We are full time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations.   Susan Stone: Last week was accepted students weekend for Tori. Can you believe it?    Kristina Supler: what a big, big like- How do you feel now that you know where she's going?   Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. First of all, for the listeners out there. My youngest just accepted college. She will be going to Ringling College in Sarasota, Florida, which is an art school.   Kristina Supler: Fabulous.    Susan Stone: To have it done for the final time was crazy. And our guest today, I also know has three kids, but I think all of them are out of college. Welcome back to Davida Amkraut .    Davida Amkraut: Thank you. Thank you. I actually have one still in college. He's just finishing his sophomore year, so.    Kristina Supler: Well, we're glad you're able to join us again.Our listeners probably remember you from some of your prior recordings with us and welcome back.    Davida Amkraut: It's good to see you guys. Yeah.    Susan Stone: Where is your youngest? Northeastern    Davida Amkraut: am I that's my middle. He's graduating in May from Northeastern. He's graduating in two weeks, and my youngest is at George Washington University.    Susan Stone: And how was his experience there?    Davida Amkraut: Loves loves loves loves it.He's in the pre physical therapy program there. So he's having  wow that's back. That's back to your that's your basic simpler. Yeah. Therapy. Yeah.   Susan Stone: may be great for everyone out here. Christina's family's in    Kristina Supler: PT Bizz    Susan Stone: So, DeVita, you've got a lot of career changes lately. Why don't you catch our listeners up with what you're doing?    Davida Amkraut: Yeah, so I'm still doing.I still am running my own private practice where I assist. This past year, I had about 55 kids from all across the country, actually, who I worked with, on college admissions. But I also joined a high school team, in the Bronx, where I'm working at a Jewish high school in the Bronx, and I am on their college counseling team.   So it's really fascinating for me to see both sides of the table. Right. So I'm working with kids from my computer, but then I'm also working with kids in person, and I've had a lot of access to admission officers, which has been amazing. I've been on advocacy calls for my students. For the listeners who don't know what that means is, prior to decisions being released, if schools allow it, we we have a call with the admission officer for our our rep for our region, and we're sort of able to pitch our case, you know, and, you know, tell them a little bit,    Kristina Supler: So  you can literally lobby for a particular student to have a spot at assembly Davida Amkraut: Only at certain schools. A lot of schools have done away with these advocacy calls, calls because it prevents and prevents inequity, because not every counselor has the time to make 400 phone calls for their students. But because we're at a smaller school, our caseload is a little bit smaller. So we do have the ears and eyes of some counselors who are still very happy to talk to us.   So, for example, Cooper Union, which is an engineering and architecture school in Manhattan. I don't know if you    Susan Stone: I looked at Cooper Union with Tory.    Davida Amkraut: Yeah. So I actually was able to talk to Cooper about my student, who they were considering for a regular decision, and give them an update about everything that he's been doing since he last applied in person. And then they were able to ask me questions, and it was like a 15 minute phone call. but it's a fascinating thing, right? To be able to have that access. Some schools will just call and give you the numbers of who is going to get in and who's not going to get in by names, actually. But you can't really advocate at that point because it's already done deal    Susan Stone: done deal.    Davida Amkraut: But they do give the courtesy to the admission, you know, the college counselors to let them know what our decisions are going to be so that we can be there for the students on the receiving end.    Susan Stone: Could you have done that for your private clients?   Davida Amkraut: No no no no no. They will never speak to independent office counselors at all. No.    Susan Stone: So what can the independent college counselor do that's different from the in-house school college counselor?    Davida Amkraut: So I always say the in-house school college counselor is not only well, it depends on if it's a college counselor or if it's a high school counselor. So you'll see that that verbiage has changed, because if it's a high school counselor, that counselor and I know in Beachwood in Shaker, they are high school counselors as well as college counselors.So not only are they dealing with a college process, they're also dealing with a social, emotional piece for every single student in that high school. So they have a very, very big, big caseload. You know, if they're dealing with social, emotional and college, college sort of doesn't always take, you know, the front seat to that. So an independent counselor can help identify schools.   They can help keep the kids on deadlines. They can do read throughs of essays. They could help position them a little bit better and look at their activities and say, you know, you're applying to an engineering program. You have nothing engineering on your application. We need to get you involved with something. A counselor at a large public school probably doesn't have the bandwidth to do that, right.   They're just looking at doing a cursory review. They're going on scatter grams, which is the, you know, the Naviance score to see where they have sent other kids in their school and making a guess about where the kids should apply without really having that in-depth consultation. If that makes sense    Susan Stone: When you have a kid, let's say you have five kids at your high school all looking at George Washington. Can you advocate for all five or do you have to?    Davida Amkraut: You probably wouldn't. We probably wouldn't advocate for all five. We would choose the one that we think would probably be the most successful, or the one that they would really want. looking at the profile and looking at and also knowing that that might not be that student's first choice.Right. We have that Intel. So we would never advocate for a school if it's an early action or if it's a regular decision for a school that we know that the kid would never go to. Does that make sense? We know what    Susan Stone: they're right, kid. But let's say you have three kids. I'm going to say a popular school this year.They want Michigan and they're dying to get into Michigan. Do you pick the best horse?    Davida Amkraut: Well, Michigan doesn't let advocacy calls. Are you surprised by that? They, they have a    Kristina Supler: no, because they don't need to. I mean, that they get the best of best.    Davida Amkraut: They had 75,000 applications this year for a class that's housed. That was their numbers for this year.That was 70,000 early action. Right. So who knows how many additional people who had in their regular season. Right. So a lot of kids will not apply during that early action because they want to use that time to get their grades up, for instance. Right? So then they'll hold back their application until the January 1st to really show their, you know, the upward trajectory. So that's only 70,000 early action applications for our class of 7,000. Right.  Kristina Supler: So what are your takeaways from this past, you know, season? I mean what did you see, what trends and what lessons, you know, were learned for students who are, you know, on the brink for next year?    Davida Amkraut: Yeah. Well, I would say actually, funny you should ask that.But just yesterday we had two bombshells just dropped on our laps on April 11th that two of the big schools are now going to require testing. Harvard and Cal Tech announced April 11th that they're gonna require testing, which is very, very it's it's so hurtful to so many counselors who are listening that to    Kristina Supler: Other schools announced that to  in the Ivys   Davida Amkraut: They did it before the march SATs    Kristina Supler: earlier. So that's the issue was the timing.    Davida Amkraut: The timing is terrible because after reading why   Susan Stone: that's a bomb debate is are they punishing the kids who didn't submit? There's    Davida Amkraut: no I think I think we I don't think that they're punishing. I mean, Harvard, 80, 86% of their kids submitted test scores, so they were never fully test optional, right? That's that's for sure. But it is for kids who are, you know, who have planned their testing, who have talked to counselors, who have sort of said, okay, I want to focus on X, Y, and Z because I'm just not a great tester. That really puts them now in a bind to have to test. And the next S.A.T., I think, is the end of May. So they don't have as many shots now to take that S.A.T. if they were just counting on that early decision, if that makes sense.    Susan Stone: No. I'm confused. So you're saying for the kids who got who put in their application for Harvard, but didn't test, they have to scramble and get a test?    Davida Amkraut: No, no, no, this is for the next cycle.   This is next year. Next year. Now this cycle is already done. But it's for kids. I mean, if you think about April and these kids are already planning, you know, and they're working and they have a schedule and they're planning on when they're exactly doing everything. And now the school says, okay, you have to do testing. Now they have to scramble and go back.   If they weren't planning on testing to go back and start studying, it's just not ethical, I mean, listen, I think Caltech and Harvard are very, very high ranking schools, and I'm assuming most of their kids knew already that they had to have testing that will position them. But there are some schools out there who still have not announced what their plans are for this coming cycle.   Susan Stone: So wouldn't you counsel them, everybody take a test.    Davida Amkraut: We do, we do, we do. I counsel everybody to take a test because you don't want to have would have, could have. But it's more like the second or third test, you know, should that kid ten take a take it a third time? Should they take it a fourth time? Should they get additional tutoring. Right? And also you have the issue of the digital S.A.T. versus the pen to paper. Right. So not every school has announced if you can super score your pen to paper, score with your digital score. Right.    Kristina Supler: So what does that mean? Super score    Davida Amkraut: to take different set test scores from different different tests that you've taken.    Susan Stone: And so you use the best math of the scores you’ve taken and you combine one.    Davida Amkraut: Yeah. Or you know a lot of schools have not even really come out and said if they're going to allow super scoring from the pen to paper tasked with the digital. So there's this whole unknown going on here. So a kid who, who took the SATs, who got like an 800 on English but got a 650 on math right now, if she wants to apply to Harvard, she has to go back and take the test.That 800 on the English might not ever be seen, because if they don't super score. I don't know if that made sense.    Susan Stone: Now that's great.   Kristina Supler:  Why, if most Harvard applicants were submitting the test score anyway, why why did Harvard announce this policy much less so late in the game? Like what was the reasoning behind it? If anyone knows?   Davida Amkraut: Well, there are some conspiracy theories out there that the College Board is smearing these schools to go back to,    Kristina Supler: Ahh okay.    Davida Amkraut: Right. That's not founded by anything, right? Like I'm just putting that out there, like, you know, we're wondering all of a sudden, you know, that digital S.A.T. has come out, right? And they're trying to drum up business, right?   They're there as much as they say they are a nonprofit. Right? And they have that .org or whatever they have next to their name. It's a business. And if people are not taking tests, they're going to lose their business. Right. And I think that they want to drum up business. From what I understand, in some schools, it's not the admission officers at the schools, at the colleges that decide whether or not testing should be reinstated its actually a faculty decision.   So maybe, perhaps the faculty is seeing not as many competitive candidates as or candidates now who are in their classrooms, who are not as competitive as their candidate, as their students from like 4 or 5 years ago. Right? So if the faculty is seeing that, then they're going to probably say, you know, we need higher caliber students like this is not, etc.    Susan Stone: Davida, can you circle back to what Christina asked you because she you really did.I know you partially answered it, but she asked a great question because every year now that I've done this three times, everyone says this was the hardest year. This was the hardest year to get kids.    Davida Amkraut: Bloodbath.    Susan Stone: It's a bloodbath like that every year. I hear this from parents tell us 24, was it really a bloodbath or were kids getting in just like they were every other year?   Davida Amkraut: I mean, the students that are at the school that I'm working at and my clients listen, we all have our kids all have a place to call home, right? I say that very confidently, where our school is a little bit more selective, that we're a little bit shocking. Some of them were like a Michigan not so shocking.They've been on the same trajectory for many years. I tell my students I was like, you can apply to Michigan, but don't count on it, right? Just don't count on it because there's something going on there with their numbers and how they spit things out, but don't count on it. Right. And there were superstars waitlisted. And that's the other thing that Michigan does that's not so kind is that they don't cut their kids loose.   Right? They don't cut these applicants loose. They waitlist them and they let them live in what we call purgatory. You know? And then kids get in in July and August, right. And then they lose their day. They have to make this big choice. They have to lose their deposit. Their other school scramble for a roommate, you know, is it really worth it?And I tell my students, cut bait like you are done with Michigan if you don't get in. If you're not the kind of kid that can pivot in a heartbeat, then it's not going to be a great place for you. You know? Why do that?    Kristina Supler: With respect to waitlists, what do you tell families in terms of in reality, how likely is a student to get admitted off of a waitlist?   Davida Amkraut: I tell them, pretend it didn't happen and I do. I say, you know, put a deposit, put a deposit, you know, and get excited for your other choice. Just get excited, embrace it. And if they get in, a lot of students decide not to take that, take that adamant off the waitlist. They decide not to because they've already been hyped up.They already found their roommate. They're already, you know, invested, which I think is a great thing. You know, because it's college. What you do when you get there, what you make of it when you get there. but circling back to Susan, your question about what do I advise my students to do? Right. And I think that's a conversation.We're still seeing a lot of kids getting in an early decision one, and early decision two. Right. financially, you know, if you're in a position to do that and you have, you know, that sort of relationship with a school and you're willing to do that, that's what we always say, you know, don't apply to certain schools. That's not like if you're not applying ed Right. So I'm, I have the stats up here for BU right now.    Susan Stone: Kristinas alma mater .    Kristina Supler: My alma mater,    Davida Amkraut: they had 79,000 applicants this year.    Kristina Supler: Is that all?    Davida Amkraut: But they did increase. They did increase their first year class size to 3300, which is 155 more seats than last year. Right. So, despite the fact that they have this larger class size, they only now there are a rate.Their admit rate is just 10.7%. View. So BU When I first started this, I'd say like seven, eight years ago they were 25, 30%. Right. and now they're they're almost in single digits.    Susan Stone: Who's going to BU you know, what's the profile?    Davida Amkraut: I think at the profile is very similar to a student who might be applying to, a northeastern, a George Washington, because these are kids who want a city school.it's not incredibly rah rah ish. I mean, you have a hockey, but that's really basically, that's what you have. And they're kids who are very I think that there are more independent thinkers because they are living in like a city. NYU is also I put that in that cohort also. So, you know, that sort of thing. the oh, you asked    Susan Stone: What are the up ad commers Davida. I know when my daughter went to northeastern, I didn't even know what northeastern was. And now it's the hot  school. so we already know northeastern is already up there with BU and George Washington. What do you see as the up and comer next wave hot school.    Kristina Supler: Good question.    Davida Amkraut: That's such a great question.I think that there are a lot of hidden gems, and I think that it's really hard to answer that question because it's like, I can say Fordham University, I think is going to be a hot school.    Kristina Supler: Really?    Davida Amkraut: yeah. Yeah,    Kristina Supler: I think, that used to be a safe school for students who, you know, wanted the Boston  college Georgetown experience, but y you but couldn't get in.Well, who wanted the Jesuit component? And then you go to Fordham.    Davida Amkraut: Yeah. And I think Fordham, I don't mark my words, but I think that they have they have two campuses. So you have the opportunity to have a traditional campus experience, which is in the Bronx, which is a gated campus. And you can also choose to live in Lincoln Center in New York City and live in a city campus.And they have a fabulous business program. It's in New York City, so, I'm going to say, I think Fordham, in terms of that piece, is going to be, you know, a school to watch out for. in terms of other schools that are hot. And, I mean, it just runs the gamut. You know, the we hear the same names over and over and over again.I think that for Out-of-staters, Ohio State is looking really great for a lot of people. You're going to see a lot more kids applying to like an Ohio State and Indiana. because those are a little bit less selective than, Michigan or Wisconsin. Boulder also will be I'll see. They're they're getting they're doing great. You know, those schools are doing great because they are taking the kids who are not getting into the Michigan and Wisconsin into their into their class    Kristina Supler: is bolder, getting more selective.   Davida Amkraut: I don't not yet. Not yet and not yet. It'll take some time. and there's also a very, very big school, so I don't think it'll be assault. It'll never hit the Michigan level. Then it'll probably hit, like, I would say, a Wisconsin or, or an Ohio State at some point, you know, because    Susan Stone: with 80,000 applications or even if it's 50,000 applications,    Kristina Supler: seriously, what's the difference?   Susan Stone: I there's no difference. What trends do you see? Does the Essay matter .    Davida Amkraut: Well, so Duke just announced Duke University just announced that they're actually moving that down in their priorities because of AI. Right. So Duke has that has announced formally that they are no longer scoring their essays as, as highly as they were. I think what always will matter the most is the rigor of the child's,curriculum.   Right. That is the grant. Yeah. And that is of   Susan Stone: The  transcript. You can’t game a transcript     Davida Amkraut: Right. So I think that transcript is, is the going to be like, if you had a pizza pie, I'd say that's like 60% of the pizza pie. Really I do. Right. And it's not the transcript I took woodworking and got an A-plus or I took pottery and I got it. You know, it is part and    Kristina Supler: Both important classes, by the way.    Davida Amkraut:They are. But it is like we're even seeing now like AP, A, B and AP calc. Those are like, like 5 or 6 years ago. Those were the really, really hard AP math classes. Now schools are looking for AP multivariable right there, like for their engineering students. They are looking for AP multivariable.I don't even know what that is. Right.    Kristina Supler: I wouldn't stand a chance, but I, of course, would never. I have no business anywhere near an engineering thing.   Susan Stone: I want to challenge you on this, okay? Both Christine and I, we're both lawyers and we're both stronger in humanities. So are we going to get punished by a highly selective school if we didn't have high IP transcripts in the science and the math and the stems?   Davida Amkraut: No. Only if you're applying to a like a degree program as college, a college within years, they have engineering or math. Right now, if you're a humanities person, you're applying to a journalism program. They're not gonna care. So like if they want to see rigor, they're not gonna want to see the easiest math classes. But they'll understand that if you're taking, you know, APUSH. AP euro, AP lang, AP lit, and then you're just taking honors math. Totally fine.    Susan Stone: So how else can you stand out if it's not the essay anymore? Because I understand it's going to be with I impossible to distinguish essays.    Kristina Supler: I'm wondering about that. This issue of the essays, though, because of course, after the affirmative action ruling, there was a lot of discussion about how students can speak about various points in their personal lives that would be potentially relevant for consideration and mission in the essay. But now it's interesting. The point you point raised regarding Duke and the role of AI, which that's actually really fascinating. And so I'm just thinking about how you how students could navigate through, you know, these different how the landscape has changed.    Davida Amkraut: So I will say a few things about the AI essays. I've written 5 or 6 college essays on AI there. You can tell it's written by a bot. And that was with me going back and changing things and asking AI to do certain things and change things up. You it's it's crazy. Like there's no way I would let any students submit an essay like that. because it's it doesn't sound like a human's written. I'm just being completely honest with you.   Like, I've done it like. And I did it also with my letters of recommendation that I have to now write for my students at my school. I've learned things through a bot and there's no comparison there. Human element is is a big touch, I would say, for the race issue. we saw a lot of a lot of schools after Scotus announcement went and changed their supplemental questions to include a question about race or adversity in their supplemental questions. And for those kinds of questions, A.I you can't you can't write. You can't write a like that through AI. Right? So, I'd say I'd say we're going to I it's going to be here. I don't think it's kind of like if you're a smart person, you can you can see exactly what's written by AI and what's not.But the smarter the computer gets, right? And the more information the computer is going to have on essays. And I'm more than it's going to get smarter as we go along, for sure. University of Michigan Honors program just released their honors. Like they invite kids for their honors program. And they said, put an essay through through AI about answering this prompt and then tell me and then and then send that to us and tell us what's missing from the essay.So they're using that. They are. So they're Uising AI there. No, the kids are using it. But then they're asking, okay, what did I miss? Like what? Tell us about that experience. Right. So it's actually very clever. So I'm wondering like you know what other schools with out of the fall. Of course with that, you know, we won't know the supplements for quite a while now. So    Susan Stone: other than transcript. So you rank transcript first because I've always thought that. Right. What would you say is next?    Davida Amkraut: every school has different priorities, but I would say what would be next is, extracurricular activities. If there's testing at this child has testing, I would say that would be next. Right. If they're submitting testing, then I would say, extracurricular activities. Then I would say letter of recommendations. And then I would say essays, but letter recommendations and essays probably are maybe equal. Every every school is very different. And, yeah. So that's what I would say. But the extracurricular activities, you know, showing what the let the students doing and they're not just going home and watching Netflix and playing, you know, video games is going to be really important.   Kristina Supler: Are all extracurriculars created equal? I mean, what would you say in terms of if a student is, you know, let's say you have that child who's just interested in everything and wants to be in this club and play that sport and have a job and volunteer and student council, so on and so forth. I mean, wonderful, but at the same time, how would you what are your thoughts or what advice do you have for families that have to sort of focus or call through the extracurriculars,    Susan Stone: breath or death   Davida Amkraut: Yeah. So I say be authentic to who you are. If you are doing all those extracurriculars because you are genuinely interested in all these different things, do it right, because then that will also be reflective on your transcript. It will reflective from your letters of recommendation. If you're doing all these activities because you think you're just checking off boxes. Oh, I'm doing a journalism one here. I'm doing a math one here. I'm doing an engineering one here that'll check off all these boxes and they'll look well rounded. I don't think that's going to be super authentic. And if it won't, it'll resonate with the application. and there are two schools of thought. People are like, you want to create a profile and you want to make sure if you're an engineering student, then you are going to do everything engineering, you know, in your extracurriculars. I don't necessarily buy into that so much. I think that authentically, kids should be able to allow to be explore what they're doing. And they're 14, 15 when this all begins. my advice is pay to play. Activities never mean much. Which and I say when I say pay to play. I spent the summer at Harvard with a two week course on X, Y, Z. You know those? That's what we call on the college world pay to play. And   Susan Stone: I painted murals in a third world country.    Davida Amkraut: Right. So those are manufactured those are manufactured experiences. And then there are the pay to play where you send your kids off and you are going to say, oh, they're going to, you know, be on this campus and it's going to look great. I mean, scooping ice cream looks much better than being on a college campus. You know,    Kristina Supler: let me ask you, though, about being authentic. Conversely, conversely, do the child who's interested in everything give the child who's just all in on my life passion is crocheting? Should parents say, okay, that's wonderful that you crochet, but maybe think about some other activities? Or I mean, how do you when you have a child who's laser focused on, a sport, a hobby, an instrument, whatever it may be,    Susan Stone: Unless they're going to do something cool with crocheting, right?    Davida Amkraut: Yeah. I mean, I think that. Right. So. Okay, if they're if their goal is maybe to be in fashion. Right. Okay. So it's amazing and it's amazing. And then let's try to see like entrepreneurial stuff going on out there. Or maybe there's marketing or maybe there's like you know, maybe you want to take some Coursera classes on fashion marketing and then also babysit and also peer tutor in your class or, you know, or, you know, crochet, teach, teach other people how to crochet or crochet for, you know, for babies that are in need. Right. So like, you can kind of take that, that sort of that passion, which is an overused word in the college world, right? And sort of infused into different areas, you realize that are meaningful.    Kristina Supler: So how does that laser focused interest translate to your college education, but also maybe ways to, you know, iterations of broadening that interest in other respects.So like the babysitting or so on and so forth, that that was good inside there.   Davida Amkraut: So what you tell me,    Susan Stone: I think you just comment. That was a really good insight. But I do want to go back to the pay to play because just because something doesn't have great college resume value, I don't think it's a reason to not do it if you have another valuable course.   Davida Amkraut: Of course   Susan Stone: Right. So my number two, who you know, and you were his college counselor privately went to Berkeley one summer and he today will say that was a formative experience for him, that summer experience that he reflects back and feel so grateful that he went. I mean, I don't think we should always pick things because of will it look good for college? No, it won't do something else.    Davida Amkraut: Right? So he might not have even reported that experience at Berkeley. Do you know what I'm saying? Like that    Susan Stone: he didn’t    Davida Amkraut: Right.    Kristina Supler: And that's interesting.    Susan Stone: I was a pay to play. He did not everything. What we did his job right.   Davida Amkraut:  I mean, it could have also been like, okay, that could also been a little bit of a touch point for an essay. Right. Or you know, but you only have ten activities to report, period. Right. So you want to make sure that you're reporting the ones that mean the most to you and that, you know, you feel authentically you. And I always tell my students, if you did it and you really, really glean so much from it, then put it down for sure. Right? But let's also do the description so that the reader understands why that experience was so important to you and what you know, what it did to sort of that formative experience that sort of I    Susan Stone: Is it hard internally. Now write those letters of recommendation.
Real Talk: Cuddle Caution - Student's Guide to Consent & Boundaries
20-03-2024
Real Talk: Cuddle Caution - Student's Guide to Consent & Boundaries
Students sometimes enjoy cuddling, but innocent acts can sometimes lead to serious Title IX cases. These situations are more common than you might expect. Join Susan and Kristina in this episode of Real Talk as they discuss common pitfalls, focusing on important aspects like communication, conversation, and consent. Tune in for essential insights, and be sure to share this information with your students.   LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW: https://studentdefense.kjk.com/   TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Supler. We are full time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations.   Susan Stone: Nice to see you on this dreary, rainy day.    Kristina Supler: Indeed, it is.    Susan Stone: It is. Well, we're going to talk about something that's actually good to do on a rainy day.    Kristina Supler: Ooh, tell me more. What could that be?    Susan Stone: Cuddling.    Kristina Supler: Who doesn't love cuddling?    Susan Stone: My gosh. You know what? I'm mourning the fact that my youngest is about to go to college. And we talked about this on prior podcasts, but do you remember we used to have younger kids. But back in the day.    Kristina Supler: My kids love to CUDDLE Yeah,    Susan Stone: There's nothing like that. Cuddling up a little kid, especially on a rainy morning.   Susan Stone: Couldn't agree more.   Susan Stone: I love it.    Kristina Supler: Well, why are you talking about cuddling today, Susan? Do I go with this?   Susan Stone: Well, we're going to get there because, as you know, nobody sees us and things until something goes wrong. And what is that saying? Everything's fine till somebody gets poked in the eye. Do you remember that thing?    Kristina Supler: Yes.    Susan Stone: Well, we're going to talk about cuddling going wrong. But first, let's just talk about why do we cuddle? I mean, I was doing a little research on cuddling and did you know that cuddling produces oxytocin and basically makes you feel good and safe?   Kristina Supler: Well, that's interesting because I suppose and you know, you're the special ed wiz, if you will, is it could one argue that cuddling is kind of like a form of O.T. in a way, occupational therapy or stimulating you in some way?    Susan Stone: Well, we know it improves sleep. There are some studies out there that says it actually boosts the immune system and it, believe it or not, lowers blood pressure. That's crazy, isn't it?    Kristina Supler: Now that I didn't see that one coming, I'm just thinking about like some of our little kids and people with sensitivities to touch and touch can be a good thing. And also maybe something that can be triggering.    Susan Stone: Yeah, exactly. Well, I would say that in early childhood, cuddling definitely leads to attachment parenting. You really form bonds.   Kristina Supler: Well, that like when you first have your baby and they want to put the baby on your chest for the. What does that kangaroo care? What was it called?   Susan Stone:  I think it's kangaroo care. It's been a minute   Kristina Supler: and they have had a baby.    Susan Stone: Yeah, but I think your point is well taken that some children actually are averse to touch, you know, like that feeling. But most people do. And a little simple hug or cuddle is wonderful for parents. And I'm a big fan of parents being physically affectionate with children. But.   Kristina Supler: but there's always a but    Susan Stone: but we're not here to talk about parents snuggling their babies,    Kristina Supler: I think as part of our podcast. It's funny, every episode there's sort of a theme of, in reality, things that are nice. Most of the time innocent sure and then put them on a college campus and the title nine world. And of course, there's always room for things to go wrong. So are we talking about cuddling in the context of Title Nine today?    Susan Stone: We are. Because one person's innocent, platonic, asexual cuddling can be another person's prelude to a hookup.   Kristina Supler: Indeed, indeed. And that actually makes me think we've had over the years we've had quite a few cases that are sort of rooted in, I don't know, cuddling going wrong, if you will, though I think it probably depends on who you ask. Right?   Susan Stone: Well, I just learned that there is a definitional difference between cuddling and snuggling.    Kristina Supler: Now this is totally new to me.Tell me more. I'm very interested.    Susan Stone: Okay. I read by Rabbi Google. You know, the go to source of all things.    Kristina Supler: When you're done, I'm going to tell you something that I just came across on Rabbi Google.    Susan Stone: Okay, good. So cuddling his arms around someone and snuggling is rubbing up and wiggling against a person.    Kristina Supler: Okay, that makes sense.   Susan Stone: It does?   Kristina Supler: Yeah.    Susan Stone: How do you think it makes sense? Supler    Kristina Supler: Because snuggling. It makes me think about, like, getting cozy and, like, under a blanket. And you're sort of, I don't know, inching up and just, like, being warm. And as I'm saying this, I'm realizing I don't even I don't know, it just makes sense to me that one's different.   Susan Stone: Well, so maybe we're not here really to talk about cuddling. Maybe we're here to talk about snuggling when that goes wrong,    Kristina Supler: Perhaps. But you reminded me, actually, not too long ago, I saw this headline about how in Manhattan, because of course, you can find anything in Manhattan, there are actually    Susan Stone: I love the Big Apple    Kristina Supler: professional cuddling services where people charge $150 an hour to cuddle in a platonic way because people are seeking out like that touch therapy thing.   Which made me think of the OT question I asked you earlier. How about that though? Truly, anything you want can be found in New York.    Susan Stone: It can be. But let's go back. And that's interesting. It may be kind of creepy. I don't know how I feel about it, but let's go back to college, because in college there are people who like to have what they call cuddle buddies.   Kristina Supler: Sure. And I think that from the perspective of Title nine, how can things go wrong? I mean, it's really in essence, any sort of touching or physical contact, if it's unwelcome, could perhaps give rise to a claim for sexual harassment.   Susan Stone: So let's set the stage for our listeners. It's late. You've already gone out. The bars have closed.So it's what, 2 a.m.    Kristina Supler: sure. I guess it depends what state you're in, but I think two AMs a reasonable time.    Susan Stone: Okay. And you know, nothing good happens at 2 a.m..    Kristina Supler: Nothing.    Susan Stone: Nothing. So it's 2 a.m. and you decide to watch a little Netflix and chill for your evening out. Maybe you've had a beer or two or ten and you decide to cuddle and accidentally you might even fall asleep and or not. And the cuddling to one person, they're tired. They want to go to sleep, but to the other person they get aroused, duu duu dun   Kristina Supler: Sure. I mean, I think one could argue that that is a natural consequence of cuddling    Susan Stone: and a hand might wander.    Kristina Supler: It's possible,    Susan Stone: and a hand might wander without consent.    Kristina Supler: Indeed.    Susan Stone: And there's your title nine.    Kristina Supler: Yeah. I mean, the whole at the heart of the Title nine analysis was the issue of unwelcomeness. And then also, you know, a conversation. It makes me think Conversations we often have with our students of any age is sort of impact versus intent, you know? But I didn't mean for anything, you know, to be upsetting or offensive, but it was received that way by someone else. And so what do you do with that? And that's really, in essence, what all of our Title nine cases are about, cause I don't think anyone ever says, I intentionally did X, Y, Z to hurt someone. It's always I didn't mean to or something was misunderstood or misconstrued. And then you have the, you know, the consequences of whatever the circumstance was. And that's often what we're navigating through is sort of the the gray.    Susan Stone: Well, because the definition of content send can be words or actions. And so what is an action? I thought we were cuddling. I thought we were getting closer. I thought you also were romantically interested in me. And so I thought it was a natural move on my part to move my hand. And the other person's thinking, wait, you didn't even talk to me? But that's not the definition of consent. It's words or actions. And I think that's where the confusion comes from.    Kristina Supler: Well, and I'm going to say this, that, you know, sort of a prevailing viewpoint might be that, well, come on, please. Everyone knows that cuddling is just sort of a gateway to a hookup. How would you respond to that?    Susan Stone: I don't even think that's true because as we started our whole podcast, parents cuddle children, but as we have worked our way through this issue, I think the confusion comes from the difference between cuddling and snuggling. And I think that college students don't spend enough time as they're creating these cuddle buddies to determine, is it truly platonic?   How do you know that you might feel platonic, and the other person might actually have feelings, and the cuddling or snuggling enhances those feelings.    Kristina Supler: So, I hear you. But then I guess let me ask you this. It sorts of circles back to what I very in artfully tried to define before the difference between cuddling and snuggling. If you're snuggling.How would you define the two? Because if you're saying one is more, it sounds like you're saying one is okay and one can be problematic. I mean, you try to define the difference.    Susan Stone: Well, I like the definition I gave you. And first of all, both are okay as long as everybody's on the same page.   Kristina Supler: Right. Consent.    Susan Stone: Consent. It always comes down to consent. I don't think that snuggling is appropriate without conversation.    Kristina Supler: Yeah,    Susan Stone: and it's certainly not appropriate. And many, many contexts. It is, to me, a boundary violation to rub your body against someone without a conversation.    Kristina Supler: Agree. Agree. There needs to be a conversation. And you know, that makes me think as well that, you know, certainly, as you've pointed out correctly, most school policies indicates consent and again in Title nine world requires it can be given through words or actions. But I think, you know, from a let's put a lawyer head on from a best practices perspective, we really do encourage all of our students. And when we talk, we sort of make the point that the safest way forward is to have a clear, explicit conversation. Are you okay if we, you know, fill in the blank, whatever it is, to just have a clear understanding of what the boundary is, what a person is okay with, and perhaps not okay with.   Susan Stone: Let's get a little embarrassing here, can we?    Kristina Supler: Sure.    Susan Stone: Sometimes the body does what the body wants to do, even if your mind says something different.    Kristina Supler: You talk about involuntary   Susan Stone: erections.    Kristina Supler: Sure.    Susan Stone: Okay. Now I do not have a penis. I am a female. You know. The penis is going to do what the penis wants to do. Supler.    Kristina Supler: Tell me more.Where are we going with this?    Susan Stone: I can envision a scenario where there is cuddling or snuggling and a male gets a hard on. It can happen easily.    Kristina Supler: It could happen.    Susan Stone: And that's really embarrassing. What? What should the guy do? I feel like I'm Howard Stern talking about this. Really? Well, what should happen?   Kristina Supler: I mean, it can be embarrassing for the male.It could be whoever is the other person participating in the    Susan Stone: male or female    Kristina Supler: Male or female. It can make that person. They might like it, but also can make them feel really, really uncomfortable. And then what? What do you do?    Susan Stone: I don't know. Should they get. Should the person with the erection just get out of bed and go into the bathroom? I don't know.    Kristina Supler: I don't know either. And I feel like really delve into this topic. We need the male perspective because we're both females, but.    Susan Stone: Well, no, I. I'm married. Married? We get this.    Kristina Supler: Yeah,   Susan Stone: we both have raised sons.    Kristina Supler: So, the question is    Susan Stone: not that I've talked about this with my son. Everyone out there, I want to clarify. I have never discussed this topic with my child.    Kristina Supler: So, the question is, could that be a title nine violation?    Susan Stone: Yeah, it could be in today's crazy world. But how unfair is that?    Kristina Supler: I totally agree. I totally agree. And I think that, you know, it sort of gets back to this issue of the importance of students having    Susan Stone: self-awareness,    Kristina Supler: self-awareness, but also the ability to and we talk about this all the time, the ability to have difficult conversations is like, this is awkward. This would be totally awkward to talk about with someone you don't even really know that well, but like, Hey, I don't like that I'm going to go. Or I mean, because I think the worst way to handle it is everyone's awkward and uncomfortable and there's no conversation. And then for days, the interaction is being dissected and analyzed and then outside voices sort of filter, and the narrative gets rewritten about what happens.   Susan Stone: I'm going to challenge you on something,    Kristina Supler: okay? Please do.   Susan Stone: You're a big fan. As am I, on conversation.   Kristina Supler: I am. I'm a talker. You're a talker.    Susan Stone: But you know what? Some things you need a little self-awareness. I don't think. And everyone, I would love for you to respond. Send us your comments. I want to know what you think out there. But if you're really into someone and you secretly like them, can you platonically cuddle? I put that out there. I say, No,    Kristina Supler: I don't think you can either. That's actually I agree. I don't think you can. I think it's inevitable where where it's going to end up. But are you. So let me ask you.   Susan Stone: So cuddle Without talking to the person and saying, hey, maybe this is where the conversation comes in.I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can get in bed with you in. And let's face it, how big are college beds?    Kristina Supler: I mean, there aren't, like, extra long singles twins, right? Yeah. I remember going to bed with me and. And buying extra long sheets because, like, that's what you needed for some reason.    Susan Stone: Yeah. You still need those extra-long sheets. But what I'm saying is I don't see how someone can platonically Cuddle. And if you're male, not get erect. Or how about this? A woman? We females get aroused too.    Kristina Supler: I've been told    Susan Stone: I've been told. I heard from a friend. You know, that's not a natural place to put yourself if you want to remain platonic.So I say a little self-awareness goes a long way.    Kristina Supler: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think also, though, there's you.   Susan Stone: What do you mean? You don't know. That's ridiculous. You do know if you like, someone don't hop in the old bed with them without thinking that, you know, the juices are going to flow.    Kristina Supler: How about this? Cuddle or no cuddle? You're alone with someone at 2:00 in the morning watching TV. Like, come on. I mean, I think that, too. It could sort of be a situation where if we're really talking about self-awareness, I don't think it's limited to cuddling. I think it should be, you know, sort of broad into just being mindful of the situations in which we find ourselves. Can you if you have a crush on someone and you just want to watch, I don't know, a show together on Netflix at 2:00 in the morning, You know, one could argue that that's sort of also a recipe to test limits and see where things go.   Susan Stone: Drunk or not drunk?   Kristina Supler: Well, let's say both. Right. Because, I mean, either way, alcohol, we've had plenty of cases that are, you know, cuddling, touching, gone wrong with no alcohol involved. I mean, it's not let's face it, alcohol is involved in many, if not most of our cases, but certainly not all. Certainly not all.    Susan Stone: You know what else could happen? As I'm thinking about this, you could be thinking that you really are just friends. But sometimes you awake the dragon.    Kristina Supler: I mean, I just    Susan Stone: Feelings happen.   Kristina Supler: Feelings do happen. But there's a difference between feelings happening. And then, like, I don't know, I just struggle with the idea of and maybe I'm being to I don't know, traditional in my views, but like platonic cuddling between a male and a female at 2:00 in the morning, I don't know that it's possible.I really don't.    Susan Stone: Yeah, I'm with you. And I also wonder about those New York Cutlers. Do they really just cuddle?    Kristina Supler: Well, I mean, according to the news article, yes, but I mean, I'm with you and that I'm very circumspect. And then he also does wonder about germs and whatnot. But supposedly there's like good sanitation measures in places.    Susan Stone: We're getting so far off my gosh, I'm embarrassed for ourselves. But look, there is a lot of health benefits to cuddling and you can feel lonely in college and there's nothing wrong when the terms are clear. Yes, I will follow Suplers ideas, conversations, key. It can be a really nice way of connecting, forging bonds, getting good sleep, lowering your blood pressure and boosting your immunity. As long as everybody stays on the same page. I just worry for those little accidental erections and things that might go bump in the night accidentally.    Kristina Supler: Accidental erections. Okay, well, hopefully we've given our listeners some food for thought today. This is just sort of a fun and lighthearted discussion. But I mean, in all seriousness, we do see plenty of matters that, you know, involve components of cuddling and miscommunication.   Susan Stone: Yeah, and it's not funny when you have a Title nine case. It's embarrassing. our clients who come into our office or we zoom in with their mortified. It's awful. It's just awful.   Kristina Supler: It's awful for everyone involved and    Susan Stone: Also awful for the recipient. Who thinks that way.    Kristina Supler: I was going to say it's awful as well for the person who maybe dozed off and then they wake up and are like, Whoa, what's going on? So, you know, I mean, again, I think that, you know,    Susan Stone: No one wins    Kristina Supler: No One wins    Susan Stone: Or everyone wins, depending on what happens. Right.    Kristina Supler: Well, should colleges really be in the mix of passing through these scenarios? I'm not sure about that one. But under the regs, under the current title nine regulations are policies. They are. And so it is an issue that Title nine offices across the country are navigating.And so, you know, bottom line, parents out there, listeners, these two are topics to, you know, put on your students radar.    Susan Stone: Talk about cuddling versus snuggling. Stay connected if you would like. We'd love to hear from you and see what you think. And let's keep the conversation going.    Kristina Supler: Until next time. Thanks for listening to Real Talk with Susan and Kristina. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to our show so you never miss an episode and leave us a review so other people can find the content we share here. You can follow us on Instagram. Just search our handle @stonesupler and for more resources, visit us online at https://studentdefense.kjk.com/   Thank you so much for being a part of our real talk community. We'll see you next time.
Real Talk: Exploring Who We Are, What We Do, and How We Came Together
28-02-2024
Real Talk: Exploring Who We Are, What We Do, and How We Came Together
In this week's episode of 'Real Talk,' Susan and Kristina uncover the secret to their successful partnership. Join them for a hilarious exploration of their working relationship, their practice,and the valuable lessons learned during their nearly decade-long collaboration. So grab a cup of coffee and join them for a candid conversation about what makes their professional bond so special.   LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW: https://studentdefense.kjk.com/  https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Kid-Parents-Todays/dp/1637743807  https://www.instagram.com/stonesupler/   TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Supler. We are full time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations.   Kristina Supler: Susan ever since the Super Bowl.   Susan Stone: Oh no, oh no. Don't say it.   Kristina Supler: I have a secret guilty pleasure. I confess to you and our listeners out there like,   Susan Stone: Oh my God here, it's coming.   Kristina Supler: But I am totally, completely obsessed with the dunking Dunkin Donuts commercials, the Ben Affleck Matt Damon commercials. Did you see those during the Super Bowl?   Susan Stone: Okay. Not only did I see them, but I saw us in Ben and Matt.   Kristina Supler: That's what I thought.   Susan Stone: I know.   Kristina Supler: What is about those two. I was so drawn to it. I can't stop watching when they're there walking in. We got touchdown, Tommy. On the key.   Susan Stone: You love that one.   Kristina Supler: I love that one.   Susan Stone: Touchdown Tommy on the keys. Okay, Because here's what it is. They've been together a long time working and kind of separating.Yeah. We're not childhood friends, but.    Kristina Supler: No, we're not.   Susan Stone:  But it's been.   Kristina Supler:  It's been a minute.   Susan Stone: It's been a second. Collaborating,   Kristina Supler: Creativity   Susan Stone: Creativity. And, you know, they drive each other crazy, which we do sometimes.   Kristina Supler: We do. We do. But there's humor there. I can't even tell you how much it made me laugh when Matt Damon looks at Ben Affleck and he's like, how do you like them donuts?   Susan Stone: Oh my God.   Kristina Supler: I’m so sorry.   Susan Stone: Okay. The line I loved is sometimes it's really hard to be your friend or remember, I would do anything for you. This is anything. And I know those moments because in our working relationship, in our friendship, we ask an absolute a lot from each other.   Kristina Supler: Oh yeah. It's it's really it's been it's been quite a journey we've been on for the past. I don't even know how long it's been.   Susan Stone: for the listeners out there. And those of you who are in Greek organizations, I hard rushed Sue Blur to be my law partner. I remember saying, Join me in this practice. And you're like, Well, I still want my criminal defense and you still do.   Kristina Supler: I still do. You do. I do.   Susan Stone: But mostly we represent students out there and we do handle a lot of criminal defense and we deal do with that. We still deal with sex issues   Kristina Supler: all day, every day.   Susan Stone:  It was a hard sell getting you in, but we made it and it's been actually almost ten years.   Kristina Supler: So why are we talking about this today? Why what is the point of this episode of this topic? Are our listeners are like what we're gone from done kings and Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to to the two of you are   Susan Stone: Dunking’s or dukin?   Kristina Supler:  it's done Kings Kings because they're kings I swear folks she’s  really smart   Susan Stone: I just feel like what Dunkin Donuts like   Kristina Supler:  Yeah it is but in the commercial they were getting creative. Okay okay,.   Susan Stone: Guys that's what life is like in the office and why I do   Kristina Supler: And that by the way I knew when I met her I said, she's the one for me.   Susan Stone: Absolutely. Guys, please stop. I'm menopausal I’ll pee in my pants. Okay, so how. Here's the thing, guys.   Kristina Supler: For real.   Susan Stone: For real.   Kristina Supler: In all seriousness,   Susan Stone: In all seriousness, we do handle your serious legal issues, but it's hard work and you really have to grind a lot of hours and there's got to be a lot of trust in the person you work with. And there's got a lot there's got to be a lot of synergy. And I think that we're doing this episode to show that we really are more than law partners, that we will be like being together.   Kristina Supler: Absolutely. This is sort of a behind the scenes episode, if you will. And I mean, I think that aside from, you know, our spouses and significant others and friends and family member, people who know us really closely, some people are surprised to hear and learn of how much time we spend together. And we always say, well, it's good thing we really like each other because our work is grueling. There's so many hours and traveling and dealing with tough topics. It's important that we have a really good relationship with each other to get through it all.   Susan Stone: Yeah, we don't get enough time being buds. We try, I agree with, but we really don't because at the end of the day we want to go home and be with our friends and our family and get a little break from each other.But it has almost been ten years.   Kristina Supler:  I know that's crazy to think about. So let's go back in the time machine and you tell our listeners, take it back a little. Austin Powers Yeah, How? Let's talk about how we met. Like what was our first encounter?   Susan Stone: We met, Yeah, Yeah. So it's funny, I was a working at my old law firm and Cristina's boss at her firm actually merged into us for a hot sec.   Kristina Supler: That's right.   Susan Stone: Hot, sec    Kristina Supler: hot sec. I just had my second child.   Susan Stone:  I can't believe that   Kristina Supler: lot of professional transition going on, but, you know,   Susan Stone: and we're talking high school for your oldest, and that little one is about to become his own young king in the theater.   Kristina Supler: Yes. He is a man of the art. Yeah, But yeah, I mean, I remember it was like 2013 ish, maybe even further back than that, b   Susan Stone: But a little bit closer to when the Obama regulations came out in 2011.That’s scary guys.   Kristina Supler: I know. And I remember I'm plugging away doing my thing. Susan's in her world of what At that point, general litigation in special education.   Susan Stone: Well, and I was in the beginning of starting my own practice, and I knew I didn't want to do it alone. I knew I needed a buddy with me because it's just let's face it, it's more fun. Life is more fun with a friend. And we had a project, a case came in that required both skill sets.   Kristina Supler: I remember I got a call for a student at a very reputable university in the area, very infamous school in terms of Title nine. And I got the call saying, Hey, do you do title 9 work? My son's got this issue.He's been accused of sexual assault. And at the time I vaguely knew what Title nine was, but I knew that I knew sex, sexual assault. Right. And so, like,   Susan Stone: just came out so awful. It's like you just keep it all, you   Kristina Supler: I  know, the how you try to avoid the the puns. They're just right there and you fall into   Susan Stone: Keep it clean. Keep it clean This is a family show.   Kristina Supler: But I remember talking to you and saying, Susan, I have this case. I feel like you would be, you know, good person to partner with on it. And you're like, Yeah, I've done some of those as well and the rest is history.   Susan Stone: And you know what's interesting to talk about, when we get tense at those moments of tension, it's usually fear.   Kristina Supler: I agree.   Susan Stone: When we have fear   Kristina Supler:  uncertainty, fear   Susan Stone: or exhaustion.   Kristina Supler: That too,   Susan Stone: I do have to share a story with what a good law partner Kristina supler is. And what a good friend. Supler is. my gosh. Two weeks ago I got hit with the virus. It was one of the nastiest viruses in my life. I will say for me, it was worse than COVID. I was.   Kristina Supler: You were so sick. I don't. I don't know the last time I've seen you that ill. I mean you were writhing in pain. You were literally lying on the floor of your office. Susan Stone: yeah. Guys, I was in a dress with heels,   Kristina Supler: a Prada dress, I might add.   Susan Stone: It was a beautiful vintage Prada, and I had a very nice bike.Black heel, little Lu bu little red showing on the bottom. Loved it. And I was in so much pain and I was sweating. And we actually had a very important 3:00 meeting and I had to be there. I laid on my floor because I was not going to miss that meeting. No holding my stomach got up, turn my camera on and would turn my camera off to puke.It was so ugly. And then you drove me home and I wore to Mass. And then you got sick. So that's just like crazy,   Kristina Supler: I’m still on antibiotic .    Susan Stone: Just the gift that keeps on giving.   Kristina Supler: That's right.   Susan Stone: So, what we get out of it is really important. I think the feeling of you always have my back and I always have your back. And   Kristina Supler:  Absolutely. Because, I mean, so much of our work is rooted in absolute uncertainty and there's very little like black and white, you know, clear answers for our cases. And so you're sort of working in a lot of gray and working off of instinct, and sometimes you're not sure what to do. And clients are upset. Everyone's upset. It's tough emotionally. And it's just it's so rewarding to have someone there by your side go through it with you.   Susan Stone: You do take it for granted. You forget, my gosh, that's your reality. But you know, look, we see clients at our worst and people say and do things when they're in crisis that they would regret later or Yeah, they feel like I've got to take it out on somebody or, you know, not everybody's so nice. Newsflash, I tell that to my kids all the time. Not everybody's nice.     Kristina Supler: This is one of life's big lessons for many of our clients, unfortunately.   Susan Stone: Interesting that I want to go back to Matt and Ben. Yeah, I feel like I know you, Matt and Ben. If you're out there listening, check that out. And Ben. Yeah. Do you think they're going to listen to this podcast?   Kristina Supler: I'm sure they will. And they probably already know me because I went to Boston University and they're Boston people. So like, I feel a connection, right?   Susan Stone: Okay, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Hello. And maybe J.Lo   Kristina Supler: Do you feel a connection with J.Lo.   Susan Stone: Absolutely. Not even a little connection, but. But I love you. I love you out there. But we have sort of merged because I would say when we began, you were always much more structured. So I would want it. When we started podcasting, I was podcast and you'd be like, we’ve got to get ready. No, no, no, we've got to do it now. I think now I take a little more time and you've got a lot more of that spontaneity. And we just over the years, I think, honestly, ages mellowed me, and you've gotten a little more spark maybe because you're coming into your own.   Kristina Supler: That's it. That's right. It's funny you always say we're just like an old married couple. But it's true   Susan Stone: It's True.   Kristina Supler: It really is true. We can finish each other's sentences. We do mind melding. Remember back in the day when we did improv lessons together,   Susan Stone: Do you think Matt and Ben did improv to get ready for the dunking? Is it really dunking? I'm stuck on it. I can't get off of it. Guys who knew I like that you’re such a moron    Kristina Supler: Anyone who watched the commercials. But that's okay.   Susan Stone: I was very focused on Tom Brady. Okay.    Kristina Supler: Touchdown, Tom. Tommy on the Keys.   Susan Stone: He's kind of cute.   Kristina Supler:  That's my line. I
Real Talk: How Can Parents Address Bullying?
14-02-2024
Real Talk: How Can Parents Address Bullying?
In this week's episode of 'Real Talk,' Susan and Kristina dive deep into the topic of bullying. Discovering that your child is either being bullied or is the one doing the bullying can be incredibly challenging for parents. However, it's crucial to be informed. Join us in this episode to learn about the necessary steps you should take, the responsibilities schools have, and how you, as a parent, can ensure your child is protected. Tune in for valuable insights and practical advice. LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW: https://studentdefense.kjk.com/ https://www.instagram.com/stonesupler/  TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone:  Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Supler. We are full time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations.   Susan Stone: Well, good morning.    Kristina Supler: Good morning, my friend.    Susan Stone: Gosh, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted. I’m just so tired. Every bone in my body feels tired.    Kristina Supler: It's funny you say that, because this morning, for the first time in an unknown eternity, my alarm went off to go to the gym, and I chose not to get up. I went back to bed and then another hour and a half to sleep.   Susan Stone: I've had a lot of those mornings and I'm wondering what's contributing to the exhaustion. Any ideas on your part? I just think it's we're really busy.    Kristina Supler: We've had a busy January. We've had a lot of hearings. We have a lot of tough cases that I think we both really care about. And, you know, our work is it's not work that you can do if you don't care. You know, I mean, what do you think?    Susan Stone: Yeah, You know, I try very hard and I know you do to to separate work from home because our family does. Yeah, but I take it home. I carry it in my heart. I carry every client in my heart. And it's hard.    Kristina Supler: It's hard to turn off your brain at night and stop thinking about these really significant issues that, you know, we've spent hours all day sorting through. But then you go home and, you know, my children are younger, obviously, as you know, I'm in mom mode cooking dinner and helping with homework. And last night we were making cookies for a school presentation on Friday, and it was kind of like, my gosh, the last thing I want to do, but you have to do it.   Susan Stone: You've got to do it. And I know that I worked last night after I made dinner and I just was losing patience for the client and it was more just fatigue on my part.   Kristina Supler: Yeah.    Susan Stone: So I need to recharge and so do you. What do you do to recharge?    Kristina Supler: that's a good question, because it can be a couple of different things. For me, sometimes it's just having a weekend that's unscheduled, you know, not having a million activities, but then also sleep and exercise and just sort of having some time for myself and not feeling like I'm running around all weekend, you know, taking care of other people. But I mean, what about you?    Susan Stone: Yeah, I don't know. I, I don't know. I keep thinking about it. It's a moving needle. But one of the things I do know is that we do let work move into our home space, and it keeps me up in the middle of the night. So I got to get better at that. And if any of you listeners are out there and have some ideas and yes, I already do practice yoga and healthy.   Kristina Supler:  mindfulness,    Susan Stone: I've got that mindfulness.But you know what's been coming in a lot and I just thought we talk about it. We're getting a lot of calls about bullying again.   Kristina Supler:  We are. And we get those cases and those calls, I should say, all the time. I mean, every year. But I do feel like in January there's always a bit of an uptick in bullying, say, issues. And it's really for students of all ages, wouldn't you agree?    Susan Stone: Yeah. I wonder if you think it has anything to do with the crappy weather.   Kristina Supler: I hadn't thought of that. maybe we're in Cleveland and it was like literally zero a couple of weeks ago, and no one's outside moving around. Everyone's cooped up in homes. That could be a thought. Susan Stone: Yeah, it could be. But so the questions that come in is, if your child's accused of being the bully, how can you help defend my child? If your kid is bullied, what can I do? How do I stop it? Do have a lawsuit? There's a lot of issues related that you would call an attorney for if your child's involved in bullying.   Kristina Supler: Yeah, I mean, and I think that so often in these initial meetings when we're meeting with parents and children alike, you know, one of the first questions we get is, should I sent my kid to school tomorrow? Should I put my kid out of the school? And it's like, okay, we got to deal with this one step at a time. We got a lot to unpack here, but you know, there's not a one size fits all answer. I would say in any of the cases.   Susan Stone:  I have a personal question. Were you ever bullied?   Kristina Supler:  Wow.    Susan Stone: did I touch a personal nerve    Kristina Supler: or was I a bully    Susan Stone: or were you the bully? Yeah,    Kristina Supler: I sincere bully believe I was not a bully.   Susan Stone: Everybody thinks there not the bully    Kristina Supler: will be someone out there who feels who feels otherwise. Who, you know, I ran with in fifth grade, but I. I don't think I was. But, you know,    Susan Stone: We’ll find out    Kristina Supler: The universe  has a way of telling us these things, right?    Susan Stone: wow. We're going to get an email from someone to you sure hear about you bullied me in the fifth grade.   Kristina Supler: I this does remind me. I had it's funny, I was saying fifth grade. I had a personal variance that that that deeply scarred me and is still with me to this day. I still carry it with me    Susan Stone: is it juicy.    Kristina Supler: Well, I mean, at the time it was. Yes, yes, yes, yes.    Susan Stone: Do share come on I want to know   Kristina Supler: .I had a group of friends.   Susan Stone: Were they friends or quote friends?    Kristina Supler: Well, I mean, friends in the way that anyone's friends during adolescence that, you know, one day, one day you're the coolest kid in school and then the next day no one will talk to you for no reason, and you're not really sure why. But then 48 hours later, you're back on top. So I had a group of girlfriends who I did view as my friends. I thought we were true friends. Now, in hindsight, you know, what was the quality of the relationship? That's something I would like to have    Susan Stone: Are you still friends with them now.   Kristina Supler: No,   Susan Stone:  okay, then they weren't friends.  Kristina Supler: Yeah, no, no contact. Having contact since, I don't know, 30 years ago. But there there was a boy I had a crush on and my friends convinced the boy to ask me out.   Susan Stone: Now, what The first of all was the boy's name. Come on, Dish.    Kristina Supler: The boy's name was Brad.   Susan Stone: Okay, So did Brad actually in fifth grade ask you out to pizza or what did that even mean? At that age    Kristina Supler: That ended well, that's it. Yeah. What? What did it mean? I'm still asking myself that, but I assure you, it was very significant at the time. We were. We were boyfriend girlfriend. I don't know. Like, we didn't we didn't go anywhere. We didn't meet in public. We this was obviously pre cell phones and social media.    So I supposed dating someone was like an eight minute phone call at 7 p.m. before your parents needed the phone because this was also before you know, people have like multiple lines in their house. And I was like, listen, my house. We were all sharing one phone.    Susan Stone: And so multiple lines in the stone house, I assure you no    Kristina Supler: it it's hot, hot competition in my house to get on the phone in the evening. So at any rate, I liked this boy Brad. And one day out of nowhere, he realized that he, too, like me, wanted me to be his girlfriend.   Susan Stone: So this is not a sad story. This is awesome.    Kristina Supler: but wait, there's more. So I am just over the moon thinking, you know, I'm like, Wow, this is.    Susan Stone: It's Brad. Brad.    Kristina Supler: Well, you'll always have or not. Fast forward, I don't know if it was two days later, three days later, I don't know a certain period of time passed and I'm in gym class and I find out that Brad Shortbread asked me out, but it was really like on a dare or like it was in concerted effort with these like, plans with my friends.   And really it was just to humiliate me. And of course, I found all of this out. And I mean, girl, I was crying hysterically. I ran out of gym class. I was crushed because the humiliation and the worst part about it wasn't just okay, it was joke. Brad doesn't like me. Like, okay, you know, the betrayal. The betrayal that I everyone else had this joke.   I was on the outside. Everyone else knew what was going on. They were talking about me and I wasn't, you know, it was just. Yeah, the betrayal, the devastation, the pain.   Susan Stone: Did you go to school the next day?    Kristina Supler: Girl? Are you kidding me? My parents were like, you know, get over it go back to school. You’re fine   Susan Stone: That was my parents. For sure    Kristina Supler: There is no cadwelding you know, let's talk about this. How does that make you feel that? No, no, none of that.    Susan Stone: Yeah, I didn't have that either.   Kristina Supler:  Catholic grade school. So, you know, back in the day, Catholic grade school. I mean, I will say that the teachers were I don't know, they seemed to handle it like recognize how cruel it was. But, you know, the next day, like no one was checking in with me. There were no school psychologists making sure things were fine. I mean, they just they didn't do that.    Susan Stone: This might explain a lot about you. just give me insight    Kristina Supler: I’m just sharing  my vulnerability with our listeners?   Susan Stone:  And I just want you to know how special that is, because Supler is a tough cat and she doesn't really share a lot. So thanks for sharing. supler, But I want to know what's Brad up to ?   Kristina Supler: what? So funny thing I have not ever cyber stalked Brad or really anyone from that period of time in my life. But one day I was driving down the street and I walked past an office and I saw his name and I was like, my gosh, here he is. He's alive and maybe well. And it just it brought back all these memories. And it's funny. I mean, literally, this was I don't even know how many years ago, but I saw the name and it immediately triggered the memory of my mortification and humiliation of the whole my friends and this cruel joke.   Susan Stone:  Well, I have two things to say.One, Brad,    Kristina Supler: your loss.    Susan Stone: Your loss. You're a total loser. And two, to those girls, they lose even more. And I win,    Kristina Supler: Aww thank you. Get lawyerly . Let's talk bullying in a in the legal sense.    Susan Stone: So first of all, let's unpack the definition of bullying because not all acts of unkindness amount to bullying.    Kristina Supler: Someone being mean to your kid. It's so hard. It's so hard because I know, like as a parent, there is nothing. Would you agree Nothing cuts you more than watching your children suffer and feel, you know, excluded or hurt or someone be unkind to them. I mean, that is it's awful.    Susan Stone: Only reason we can laugh about the Brad story is because it occurred many, many years ago and you're over it and it's you.But if it were, your daughter it wouldn’t  be funny.    Kristina Supler: No. Now, that's exactly right. And it's it's hard. I think I struggle when we, you know, get inquiries from people and parents share these horrible stories and the you know, my child's being bullied. My child's being bullied. I must have a really powerful lawsuit. Help me help me. And and it's it's hard when you say that sometimes sort of have to say to them, like, wow, that's awful. That’s so terrible. Your child must feel terrible. My heart goes out to you. But you don't have a lot of your    Susan Stone: occasional teasing, not bullying. It's going to be severe, and it's got to be persistent, and it's got to be pervasive. And it can also be personal. Or todays cyber.    Kristina Supler: Yeah, I mean, and so much of what we see is involves online social media, communication, group chats, things like that. But I mean, I think the key for our listeners in terms of like, how do you identify bullying? Because of course every state and school code of conduct has different definitions. I mean, of course there's similar themes in all of it, but there can be slightly different definitions. But, you know, again, it's got to be sort of recurring and ongoing and isolated incidents certainly could be a basis for a student or students violating school code of conduct.But I don't know if one incident,   Susan Stone:  one unkind word, does not amount to bullying, but a nine unkind word making fun of someone day after day after day after day. That's consistency is one of the identifiers for bullying.    Kristina Supler: What would you say in terms of whether there has to be like physical or emotional harm or some sort of threats? I mean,    Susan Stone: Well, certainly if you threaten someone that would amount to bullying, give me your lunch money or I will beat you up. I think that is bullying today    Kristina Supler: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. I agree. So what should be what are your thoughts about the issue of location?    Susan Stone: Yeah. So it's much easier to prove bullying if it happened at school because then it falls under what I would call the jurisdiction of the school. However, if there is off campus bullying and it impacts your child's ability to perform at school, I think there's an argument that the school's got to get involved.    Kristina Supler: Yeah, so I know that we not too long ago we had a situation involving some social media online communication and some was at school and some wasn't. And, you know, we were sort of I remember passing through and wrestling with, okay, what is the, you know, in lawyer speak, the jurisdictional analysis in terms of what can the school do when stuff maybe happens at home in the evenings on personal devices, not school issued devices,    Susan Stone: but it's complicated.   Kristina Supler: It's complicated. And kids show up at school the next day and there's still the fallout which you know again I'm lawyer speak for impact on education. You're right it's it's tough to know when I would say on the school side sometimes you know in fairness to our educators it's hard for them to know as well where that line is.   Susan Stone: Well, and you'd think about the Supreme Court case of Brandy Lovie, the cheerleader. You're a lot.    Kristina Supler:  tell our listeners about that because key case and I'm guessing many people out there in podcast world don't know what it is    Susan Stone: yeah, Brandy didn't make the cheerleading team    Kristina Supler: poor brandy   Susan Stone: poor brandy and I couldn't be a cheerleader.    Kristina Supler: I can't even do a cartwheel.   Susan Stone: I can't do a split up.    Kristina Supler: That's like literally not even up for discussion. I can't do that.   Susan Stone:  And it just sounds awful. But that's why we're lawyers. So Brandy didn't make the team, and she posted some nasty comments about the coaches online and they disciplined her and they went all the way up to SCOTUS and there was First Amendment protection. I think that's what schools wrestle and with. But remember, that only applies to public schools where you have a First Amendment freedom of speech to talk about things, but certain things are absolutely not protected. And we've talked about that in prior podcast.    Kristina Supler: And I'm going to drop a little bit of legal knowledge for some of our listeners out there and    Susan Stone: drop away.   Kristina Supler: Many find this surprising, but at a private school, at a private school on their campus, you don't have full First Amendment rights. And so, you know, schools are allowed to limit and respond to and some might say restrained speech.    Susan Stone: Correct. And that goes by their honor code and their policy. But I think it's universal that bullying someone based on their appearance, their race, their religion, their ethnicity, a disability will always be subject to discipline.   Kristina Supler: Absolutely. And I would say for poor parents, if you come to learn that your child is experiencing, you know, negative, hostile treatment by peers or staff, I mean, let's face it, that is something that should be immediately, immediately reported to the school and for schools. It's not even a close call school. Need to jump on that right away.   Susan Stone: Speaking of reporting, a lot of times we find out from parents they want to immediately sue the school for not bullying. And then I say, well, did you put the school on notice? Do they know about it    Kristina Supler: the old notice requirement? Yeah. So let's unpack that for our parent listeners out there. notice Look, why is why is known as so important for schools Like what? What does that have to do in relation to about whether there might be a lawsuit or not?    Susan Stone: Well, knock the nerd out again,    Kristina Supler: go nerd away.    Susan Stone: Go observe versus Lago Vista Independent School District that you cannot make a school district liable for something that they don't know about.    Kristina Supler: Make sense to me. I mean, some might say it's a tricky legal requirement, but if you think about it in a very practical level, if schools aren't clearly on notice about something, how can they fix it? But let me so let's take that a step further. What about and say, well, teachers saw it happen. They saw my child, you know, sat in the hallway. How could they not know?    Susan Stone: Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. But if it's not in writing, it didn't happen, then you know that.    Kristina Supler: There you go. There you go. And that's why it's important for I mean, look, not every single piece of communication needs to be in writing, but it's things you know, about misconduct, mistreatment. Send an email to the school. Nothing wrong with.    Susan Stone: I love documenting anything that you think you're going to want to rely on later as a piece of evidence and to prevent miscommunication, we often give advice, and I'd like to pingpong our common words of advice for parents, and I'll start the ping. Number one, put the school on notice and ask for an investigation.   Kristina Supler: Follow up. If you don't get a response and push for something to be done to keep your kids safe.  Susan Stone: Number two in While an investigation is pending, ask for interim measures. What does that mean?   Kristina Supler:  Well, an easy one that comes to mind is some sort of no contact or stay away. Order.    Susan Stone: Okay, Now separate the kids.    Kristina Supler: Maybe ask, for instance, for schedules to be changed, different lunch periods, maybe some sort of restrictions or regulations for who goes where at recess, on the playground, things like that.   Susan Stone: And the bus. the bus,    Kristina Supler: Yeah. I'm so glad you said that. We have a lot of matters where things are okay during the day and then kids get on the bus and everything rapidly falls apart.    Susan Stone: Number three, ask the school to provide mental health support services if your child's suffering.    Kristina Supler: And it's important, I would say that families really avail themselves to those services. Sometimes there can be a hesitation to take advantage of school services, but they're there. Use them. And particularly now, you know, this is such a cliche to say post-COVID, post-COVID, but truly there is such a shortage of available, readily available mental health services. And, you know, I know I think Susan, we here at least once a week in difficult I called the therapist and they can't take my kid. You know my kid's in a waitlist. It's going to be six weeks before we get an appointment. If you're tired suffering, you can't wait that long.   Susan Stone:  It's been really since COVID a struggle to get the mental health support for all those students who need that help. Last and this is self-serving, guys, I know it, but if you ever need doubt on how to handle things, consult a lawyer. Kristina Supler: That's right. We're here to support families in crisis, talk through the legal issues and really help kids. I mean, that is at the heart of our legal work. I think kids and using that label broadly, kids can be like 25 30 that the support students,    Susan Stone: you know, people think that just because you call a lawyer, we all sue. And while we do file lawsuits, that is one of our    Kristina Supler: we do we do    Susan Stone: we do a lot of other things like counseling and navigating and helping people through crisis. So don't just think because you call a lawyer that you're going to be suing the district. Maybe the lawyer will help you nip the situation in the bud and get a better resolution quickly.    Kristina Supler: And that really, I think, is a win, you know, because court, let's face it, though, we're our lawyers and go to court. Let's face it, it's not for everyone, that's for sure. And certainly it takes a toll on families and kids. But I think this was a good, good talk today.    Susan Stone: Yeah, And I have to say something. You girls who did that to my partner, Kristina Supler, if I ever meet you, I am going to be watching you and Brad. You missed out.    Kristina Supler: That's right. Look at me now.    Susan Stone: Yeah all, This is more.   Kristina Supler: Thanks for listening to Real Talk with Susan and Kristina. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to our show so you never miss an episode and leave us a review so other people can find the content we share here. You can follow us on Instagram. Just search our handle at Stones hoopla and for more resources, visit us online at Student Defense, Dot.com. Thank you so much for being a part of our real talk community. We'll see you next time.
Real Talk: Decoding Teen Slang
31-01-2024
Real Talk: Decoding Teen Slang
In this week's episode of 'Real Talk,' Susan and Kristina take on the daunting task of deciphering the ever-changing slang of today's kids. From navigating linguistic rollercoasters to tackling new words and phrases that pop up daily, they show that staying in the know is not just essential but also a fun challenge. Join them for some laughs and linguistic acrobatics as they take on today’s latest trends. TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Supler. We are full-time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations. Have a fun podcast today, Supler.   Kristina Supler: What are we talking about?   Susan Stone: We are going to talk about decoding teen slang and trends.   Kristina Supler: Oooo, fun, I like it.   Susan Stone: Yeah. Before we launch into our podcast today, can I just say it is so flipping cold out.   Kristina Supler: Oh my gosh. It is freezing out. To our listeners out there, We are in Cleveland where it's a balmy four degrees or one degree, depending upon the device you look at, and it is just frigid.   Susan Stone: Okay, So hubby last night noted that there are no terms for cold and it's been called an ‘arctic blast’. You ever thought that we were experiencing…    Kristina Supler: I feel like I've heard like local weather people use different iterations of Arctic blast. Arctic freeze. I don't know.   Susan Stone: All I know is I was trying to walk the dogs yesterday and it was truly a miserable experience for me and the dogs. They didn't even want to go out and go to the bathroom. It was awful.   Kristina Supler: Funny, I had the same experience this morning when I took my two dogs out. It was like quick rush, take your business and get back inside. But even inside, Freezing. Freezing, freezing, freezing.   Susan Stone: Yeah, and didn’t you have… What happened with your uh… was it your, was it your water heater? Your power? What happened this weekend?   Kristina Supler:  So, Cleveland got a big storm over the weekend and yeah, I didn't have power for 24 hours so I was, we were away. It's fortunate that we were away but it was a little nerve racking in terms of, I don't know, bad things happening in the house. Fortunately, my husband informed me that power has no impact on our heating system because we have steam. I didn't really know. Yes, but yeah, food in the fridge, all those fun issues that Midwesterners deal with, so on and so forth. But here we are today and hopefully we've got something light and funny that can warm things up.   Susan Stone: Yeah. You know what we did yesterday? I took my youngest and we went and saw Mean Girls.   Kristina Supler: Oh I read about the like re- uh, relaunch of that movie. I’ve never seen it. Tell me about it.   Susan Stone: Well, I love the original. And the original was amazing. Rachel McAdams, Lindsay Lohan,   Kristina Supler: I was gonna say isn’t Lindsay Lohan in it. That's. Yeah, the two comes to mind.   Susan Stone: Yeah. And that was one of her. And she's in the remake.   Kristina Supler: How’s she looking these days?   Susan Stone: She's looking gorgeous.   Kristina Supler: Really, good! Good.   Susan Stone: Shout out to you, Lindsay. You are aging fine. But I will say, Tori, my 18 year old, did not like the movie at all.   Kristina Supler: Really? Why? Now, did she had she seen the original or. No?   Susan Stone:  No, she had. She just thought.   Kristina Supler: the remake was not hitting her right?   Susan Stone: No. She thought it was insulting to her intelligence.   Kristina Supler: Why is that?   Susan Stone: Well, she felt like it didn't capture the original flavor of bullying. And she thought bullying is such an important topic that they sort of made fun of it and made light of it and made it seem ridiculous.   Kristina Supler:  So let me ask you, was there any, like redeeming message or takeaway for viewers of the movie? Any lessons to be learned?   Susan Stone: I mean It was the same lesson be kind, be nice, blah, blah, blah. I'm not trying to put down.   Kristina Supler: Sure that's and that's a good one, but it's a little basic.   Susan Stone: But the way it was delivered, that's the word   Kristina Supler: Basic.   Susan Stone:  It was basic. Yeah. So, you know, I wanted to love it. I want it to because I love the original and I know there's now the musical and, you know I love me a Musical.   Kristina Supler: You love a Musical.   Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. I mean, there isn't a musical that I don’t rush and see.   Kristina Supler: I think it's so funny that we're talking about this because I have to imagine while and I've experienced that, sometimes people think that as lawyers we’re, you know, reading the news and thinking about Supreme Court opinions and all these, you know, intellectual things, and here we are, “Hey, Supler I saw Mean Girls yesterday”.    Susan Stone: But on to our topic about the way kids talk and how language changes. So I was, I did a little research. Truthfully, I forgot the fun terms I used when I was in high school or were popular in the eighties.   Kristina Supler: Okay, lay it on me.    Susan Stone: Okay. Ready?   Kristina Supler: Ready.   Susan Stone: Gag me with the spoon. Did you say that?   Kristina Supler:  Never. No. I can honestly say no. I never said Gag me with a spoon.   Susan Stone: Ready?   Kristina Supler: Ready.   Susan Stone:  Eat my shorts.   Kristina Supler: Uh that, that I'm familiar with through one, Bart Simpson. You really said that? You said eat my shorts.    Susan Stone: I didn't, but others did.   Kristina Supler: I just. What does is it really mean? Like, like.   Susan Stone: Do you think it means Bug off? Maybe. I think that's what it means. Eat my shorts.    Kristina Supler: Okay.   Susan Stone: And gnarly.   Kristina Supler: Now, Now. Okay. Who doesn't know? Gnarly. Sure. I think gnarly still kind of with us. The West Coast vibe a bit. I don't know.   Susan Stone: So, Let's talk about some of the terms. I didn't know that well. Proposed by our fine marketing department.   Kristina Supler: Let me ask you, though, what's what generation were you? Are you?   Susan Stone: I am the beginning of Gen X.   Kristina Supler: Ohhhh.   Susan Stone: Babies baby   Kristina Supler:  Sure, sure, sure, sure.   Susan Stone: Madonna spoke. You can't see me Voguing. Voguing, guys.   Kristina Supler: Best music video ever. Ever! What's interesting about that is I think of myself as a Gen Xer, but actually, I shudder to admit this. I don't want to admit this, but I must. I am technically the beginning of millennials.   Susan Stone: There is nothing about you that’s a Millennials   Kristina Supler: I don't identify that way. I really see myself as a Gen Xer like the nineties vibe, but I guess according to the internet, according to Wikipedia or what have you, I'm technically a first year millennial.   Susan Stone: That's interesting that I’m a Gen Xer. I was a latchkey kid, and for those of you who don't know what that is, my mom went to work and I had a, what was it, a shoestring with a key.   Kristina Supler: You literally had a key on a shoestring.   Susan Stone: I literally had a key on a shoestring.   Kristina Supler: I didn't know that was a real thing.   Susan Stone: That's why they called it ‘latchkey kids’ Supler. It's a real thing.   Kristina Supler: Well, I have to confess, I grew up in a house that we never locked. I never had a key.   Susan Stone: That's a beautiful thing.   Kristina Supler: It actually is.   Susan Stone: That’s a beautiful thing .And I was the MTV generation who didn't remember Tabatha Sorenson. So cute. And I was on MTV once.    Kristina Supler: No.   Susan Stone: Yeah, I danced.   Kristina Supler: Tell me more.   Susan Stone: There's not that much to tell.   Kristina Supler: On the Grind? Were you on MTV on the Grind?   Susan Stone: It was one of those shows, you literally waited in line and when they told you to dance, you danced. It's hilarious.   Kristina Supler: But was it the Grind? Yes or no?   Susan Stone: I don't think so.   Kristina Supler:  Because I really hope that it was.   Susan Stone: And my roommate in college had a picture of Ronald Reagan above her bed.   Kristina Supler: (Laughing) What did she love him?   Susan Stone: She loved him.   Kristina Supler: Was she attracted to him?   Susan Stone:  I don’t know Ronny was hot. Ronny was hot.   Kristina Supler: Sensible citizen. Oh my God. Now that is the funniest thing.   Susan Stone: Okay, guys Let’s talk about some words and then we can respond to what this generation is "saying. And I am going to mispronounce it, but ’gyat’.   Kristina Supler: I, I just can't with this one. With this one, I just can't. I am told, so for all of our listeners out there, I've only recently come to learn this, this word, this phrase, and apparently it is a high compliment. It is a major, major compliment to give someone indicating that their derriere is large.    Susan Stone: Yeah. I asked my daughter, do you know what ‘gyat’ is? She’s just like ass. I'm like, okay.   Kristina Supler: Yeah. So I guess it rhymes with squat or bought    Susan Stone: or fiat.   Kristina Supler: And then it can also be, I guess I'm told, an acronym for something about the backside being thick. I don't know.   Susan Stone:  But I have to be honest, I've never heard it used in my house.   Kristina Supler: I've never heard it used. I've never seen it. I mean, in our work representing students, we read a lot of text messages and social media posts. I've never even read it in a text, so I personally am very circumspect about this word and its use and popularity. I feel like a journalist or someone Internet writer out there just like made it up or heard one person use it and then said, oh parents, hey, you need to know this word. And it's really not a thing.   Susan Stone: I don’t even like the way it sounds. But you know, you have a question for you. Why? When we read and we read thousands of text messages in our case, what's the point of Bruh B.R.U.H   Kristina Supler: I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I've got nothing for you on that. And we see it literally every day and it's constant, It's constant. Like every other thing is ‘bruh’. And then the other question I have for you is ‘lol’, after everything, even after stuff that's not funny, you still put ‘lol bruh’. That you see a lot as well. I don't know. That is more with people, our clients who are a little bit older. It's not like high schoolers, but that I see all the time and I feel like it's just a habit because it's literally like on text where there's not even something funny said.   Susan Stone: I don't get it, I don't get it. I agree.   Kristina Supler:
Real Talk: Parenting Through Tough Conversations
17-01-2024
Real Talk: Parenting Through Tough Conversations
Welcome to Real Talk with Susan and Kristina! In this episode, we’ll dive into the importance of addressing uncomfortable topics with your children. Join us as we explore why these difficult conversations are crucial for your child's well-being and navigating life's challenges. Gain practical tips on addressing sensitive subjects, fostering open communication, and dive into real-life situations drawn from our cases and personal experiences with our own children. LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW:  https://studentdefense.kjk.com/ https://www.instagram.com/stonesupler/https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Kid-Parents-Todays/dp/1637743807 TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina super. We are full time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversations.   Susan Stone: Okay. This is Martin Luther King Day, and we're in our new studio. What do you think about our new digs? Miss Supluar.    Kristina Supler: I like it. Fix some adjustment. But I. I actually. I think it's nice. It's cozy. It's more intimate.   Susan Stone: that is interesting. Well, hopefully not as interesting as our topic today, which is parenting through tough conversation. Anything recent you want to share from the old simpler house?    Kristina Supler: Funny you should ask. So recently we had a little tough conversation parenting moment in my household with my daughter and some Netflix content. Let me tell you, these these parent settings and these accounts, number one parent listeners out there, if you don't know how to do that and check for content and age-appropriate restrictions, please do so. Very important because if you don't, your child has unfettered access to everything, and I learned that on Netflix. If you don't put on like parental controls and kids are watching like they can access NC 17 material, there's some steamy stuff on there.    Susan Stone: You know what? I had no idea, but I want to know where to find that steamy material. (Laughing) Kidding    Kristina Supler: After a long day of work, Susan's going home and firing up the Netflix.   Susan Stone:  But my kids are older, so I don’t have to worry about it.   Kristina Supler: So, you can do that. That's right. That's right. But yes, there are these settings. Make sure you have you know, how they work, and they're turned on and fired up and good to go. But so, it was brought to my attention by, I'll just say, a family member    Susan Stone: a family member   Kristina Supler: that said, hey, you might want to give an eye towards, you know, what your daughter's looking at. And I said, my gosh, thank you for telling me. Because I think it's important to not always say, my child would never do that. You have to sort of be open to the possibility of your kid doing anything.    Susan Stone: Well, Supler considering you are a coauthor on a book saying, yes, your kid, it would be slightly hypocritical if you didn't think your own kid could do something.   Kristina Supler: Indeed, indeed. And to our listeners out there, check out. Yes, your kid available at all. Booksellers    Susan Stone: I did not mean for that to be a plug.   Kristina Supler: no no.   Susan Stone: But I was topical.   Kristina Supler: I had to seize the moment. So at any rate, I said, Well, let me do some digging and you know, you like to call me investigators Suplar   Susan Stone: Oh my gosh.For the listeners out there, nobody and I mean nobody can get to the bottom of different facts. Like my law partner Kristina Suplesr. So, what did you do?    Kristina Supler: Well, so I start doing a little a little digging just late light investigation. Let's say I call my husband and loop him in to what's before us. I get his thoughts. And I was like, you know, before before having that parent child moment, I want to get my own facts right so that I know. So I sort of like a little, I want to say test, but I suppose it is test like is my is my when I confront my daughter, will she be truthful with me or not? So that you know, I know where to go with the conversation. So we did some investigating and digging that my husband got all in on it and like for hours were testing iteration of what you can and can't do with these shows and what record shows up in this and that. Just to know, you know, what what actually happened, it is best we could. Of course. And it was interesting because my daughter eventually had a conversation. She said, Mom, I wasn't watching those shows.   Susan Stone: And is it true?   Kristina Supler:  I went through that viewing history up, down, left and right. You can download spreadsheets. We did all these simulated tests and delete history.    Susan Stone: Tacky for me, way too tacky.    Kristina Supler: The shows weren't there, so I don't know if look, we don't know what happened and who did what, but what I do know is that I saw no evidence that my daughter did what she was accused of doing.   Susan Stone: So, Not your kid,   Kristina Supler:  not my kid, fortunately. But that is not to say that it could never be my child. And I actually think you and I are both like very real about that possibility. That notwithstanding what we do for a living in conversations we have at home, things still happen.    Susan Stone: Yeah, we have difficult conversations with our clients every day.   Kristina Supler: Every day.   Susan Stone: And it is a skill.   Kristina Supler:  absolutely. And I would say it's a skill that requires cultivation and over time it's a skill you improve with experience, which is true of most things, but tough conversations, it's you get better at having them, but they don't ever really get easier.   Susan Stone:  It's not fun. But here's the deal. In today's day and age, what we're finding is that having tough conversations with your kids is more important. And at the same time, we're seeing a lot of conflict avoidance and it's creating bigger issues. Kristina Supler: I totally agree. I totally agree. And I will tell you, from our perspective as lawyers, of course, we want to help all of our clients and get the best outcome possible. But, you know, success. We arrest a lot. What's your success rate? And we sort of often say, well, you know, it's relative because every case is different. And the reality is, is that you can't always have a perfect outcome in every case. But the cases that hurt the most are the ones where we look at each other and we're like, this didn't have to happen this way.    Susan Stone: I agree. And when we talk to parents about why, why have the tough conversation? Because let's face it, nobody likes to confront their kid. Nobody wants to cause an argument.    Kristina Supler: No.   Susan Stone:  it's a fight.    Kristina Supler: No, you want to have nice, fun conversations about what are you getting for dinner and what's going on at school. But the reality is these tough conversations are so important because really, at any age, they're essential for helping, I think, keep your child safe, even when your child's a young adult.   Susan Stone: What I find is even when you're getting pushback from a particular child, they still hear you.    Kristina Supler: Oh absolutely. I totally agree. I totally agree. They hear you. And I think there's also just a component of sort of communicating to your child that you care and, you know, whether it's just that you want to see the best for them in all ways and it's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be curious, but you just have to be smart about the choices you're making here.   Susan Stone:  You know what? Kids need to know where their parents stand on issues.    Kristina Supler: I totally agree. I totally agree. And, you know, that's a tough one in this day and age, because I think that, you know, we're in a country that's so divided and there's all these political issues, cultural issues, religious issues.I mean, you name it every day. There's some like very hot ticket controversial thing on the news. But I think it's so important as our children are being, you know, bombarded with content from tick tock and who knows where else that they know what their parents think that they know. You're like my mom and dad say that's important or my mom and dad or say that that's really dangerous, that it's just giving some structure to your kids.   Susan Stone: Talk about how to have a conversation, because you know what we know how students behave when confronted and we're not going to sell you the bull, that it's going to go swimming. This isn't a sitcom. Life is not a sitcom. So you might have pushback. You may have a temper tantrum. I've heard even of situations where things have gotten physical between parent and child. Things can go really wrong.   Kristina Supler: Oh I believe it.   Susan Stone:  Yeah,    Kristina Supler: I believe it. Especially with teens. And when there's hormones and angst and rage about life being unfair, I absolutely.    Susan Stone: So, when you're going to have a conversation. I think first time in place.    Kristina Supler: Yes. So what what do you think? What are your preferred times and places?    Susan Stone: It's hard. I at first thing, I'm a working mom,    Kristina Supler: Mhmmm   Susan Stone: so I can't do after school. That's not realistic for me.   Kristina Supler:  Right.   Susan Stone:  Ideally, that really is the best time, right when they get home from school.    Kristina Supler: Well, depending on age though, I don't know if your kids are younger. If they're older, they probably have sports or job or other stuff after school. But I hear you.    Susan Stone: I like where they're a captive audience. So ideally, again, the car is a great place because where are they going to go?   Kristina Supler: I agree with that. The car is a great place. We I drive my kids to school in the morning and sometimes it's a good opportunity for a quick check in the short drive, but a quick check in    Susan Stone: and nothing wrong with that. But again, I now have older kids. Well, my I have two grown kids and one left, but so I don't really get the ones they start driving. You're not going to get more. I think at night you just pop in their room, knock on the door, come in and you have to dive, dig in. And and it's got to be organic sometimes, too, as things come up that you hear about, whether it's bullying or peer pressure, drugs, mental health, sexting, I mean, that topics are endless.   Kristina Supler: So let's do a hypothetical.   Susan Stone:  Sure.    Kristina Supler: You get a question? Yeah. There's there's buzz about sexting in your child's school. Let's keep this high school. You're hearing rumors from other parents, maybe like, I don't know, some online parent group, because actually I learn a lot in those parent groups online. And there's talk about nude images going around the school. Would you bring that up? And like, how would you go about having a conversation to make sure that it's understood that sexting is a no no?    Susan Stone: Well, that could be brought up at the dinner table because that's a general conversation. I don't consider that a difficult conversation just because it's a racy topic like vaping or marijuana use. To me, that's not difficult to recognize that I'm a little different when I think of a difficult conversation. I think you are confronting your child about something    Kristina Supler: Mhmmm   Susan Stone: you suspect they're doing. Yeah, general topics are important and hopefully can pave the way to not have a difficult conversation. But a difficult conversation is I think you're drinking with your friend. That's a difficult conversation.    Kristina Supler: Yeah. I mean, I'm. I'm not sure I totally agree with you, because I would say that you and I, given what we do for a living, are pretty comfortable in Converse. And are these types of issues, right, Like social media, drugs, sex, bullying, cancel culture. I could go on and on, but I think for a lot of families, I mean, the thought of having a conversation, much less at dinner with everyone there about nude images, I think a lot of parents find that incredibly difficult. And I think that's why we see so much of what we see in terms of families not understanding repercussions, kids not understanding repercussions, and parents wanting to talk to their kids about it, but they just don't quite know how.    Susan Stone: or I’ll tell you. What's a difficult conversation When kids get sloppy with their homework, and you get those alerts? I remember,    Kristina Supler: oh yeah,   Susan Stone:  when one of my children, it used to be and Il remember being at work and getting an alert that they didn't turn in homework and it would make me not like, why didn’t you turn in your homework? How hard is it? You do it, you put it in your book bag or you you turn it in. I guess they don't do that anymore. You do.   Kristina Supler: You upload it. Whatever,    Susan Stone: and do your homework. This is your job. And while the job of someone in school is to do the homework.  Kristina Supler:Yeah. Yeah. Well. And see that I would say is an easy conversation. It’s a frustrating conversation. Certainly, but not one that's necessarily that embarrassing or involves using body part words or something super incriminating. But I don't know let's so the sexting you thought that was easy That wasn't a hard one in your house?    Susan Stone: because also there's been a lot of education at my kids school about sexting and they all know about predators. And I think there's just a lot more awareness.    Kristina Supler:so how would you let's just say like, let's go with a low hanging fruit for what I would say. You know, most teenagers, drugs and alcohol, you're worried that your child may be experimenting with one or both and you want to, you know, have that confrontation in a, I don't know, firm but loving way. What are your thoughts on like how to has lean into that conversation with your child?    Susan Stone: First, of all I’m a lot like you in the sense that I do a lot of snooping and just want you to know there's no right to privacy in my home.    Kristina Supler: Totally agree. Totally agree. And I mean, I think it's important to, you know, let your kids know that once in a while you might be looking at their stuff or in our house.The rule is that we have to have all passcodes. And if we don't, the devices are gone. Because I'm very pro snooping. I think it's an essential part of parenting.   Susan Stone: Yeah. So I don't understand. I mean, occasionally you have to go into the bedroom and look around.    Kristina Supler: Well, and I'm going to I'm going to say something that's perhaps controversial.Yes. Children and parents are not equal.    Susan Stone: Whoa!   Kristina Supler: at the risk of sounding old fashioned, I'm going to say my house, my pocketbook, my rules. And so I yeah, I think that look, I think it's an interesting theoretical conversation to talk about, you know, kids and their right to privacy. But in my mind, the reality is if you have questions or concerns or doubts, look at the device.I think it will go through the bedroom. I don't see a problem with that. I don't    Susan Stone:  Now. It's funny. My number two, when I went out of town, threw a party.    Kristina Supler: Mhmmm Haven't we all.   Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. It it was devastating to learn about.   Kristina Supler: Sure  And how did you find out about it?   Susan Stone:  Oh my sister found out.   Kristina Supler: No. How did she find out? Did she drive by the house?    Susan Stone: She drove by the house.    Kristina Supler:Ahhhh   Susan Stone: I know she kicked the party out.    Kristina Supler:The kids weren't smart enough to, like, park around the corner or down the street.   Susan Stone: There were too many. Too many.    Kristina Supler:Oh my gosh.    Susan Stone: I was not calm during that. So I have to say, sometimes I have failed during difficult conversations.   I've raised my voice and I've become a raging, screaming lunatic. Yeah, I'm a yeller.   Kristina Supler: I think we all have no judgment. No judgment   Susan Stone:  in a perfect world. You know, we were looking at an article preparing today from Psychology Today. I love this.   Kristina Supler:Lay on me. What you got?   Susan Stone:  It says, stay calm.    Kristina Supler:Oh okay, Sure.   Susan Stone: Stay calm. Help your child feel safe.    Kristina Supler: Okay.   Susan Stone: I think none I lost my shit.    Kristina Supler: Sure.   Susan Stone: Okay. I did. I lost it.    Kristina Supler: It happens.    Susan Stone: Yeah, sometimes it does happen. And you know what? When you do lose it, it's okay later to apologize for that.  Kristina Supler: I agree with that as well. I in I myself have been in that position where maybe I didn't handle things as well as I would have liked to.And I totally think it's important and I think it's setting a really good example for your kids to go back, you know, maybe an hour or so later, maybe longer days, perhaps after the dust settles and just say, look, you know, I thought about our conversation and, you know, I'm sorry that I raised my voice, said, you know, fill in the blank. But I want you to know I love you no matter what. And you know, I was wrong. I think it's I don't know. I think it's important for your kids to see you admit fault, too. You know, I think it helps sort of teach them the importance of apologizing. We're not perfect and being thoughtful and maybe not writing people off right away to when they say something you don't agree with    Susan Stone: It kind of goes with the job. On the other hand, it's okay to walk out of the house, go to yoga, run around the block and do what you need to do to regroup, because raising teenagers can be really, really, really difficult. You have to have the conversation, you know, want. I feel bad sometimes when you and I having the conversation.   Kristina Supler: Oh yeah. I mean, just circling back to something I said earlier, Kids make mistakes. People we all make mistakes. And, you know, often it's mistakes that brings families to us in moments of crisis. But the really the heartbreaking ones are when we think, oh my gosh, if only there was a conversation about, I don't know, rough sex. We deal with that a lot. You know, having that conversation with your child about the dangers of choking and strangulation and just because everyone else is doing it, you know, what are the implications? In our title nine cases, we see that a lot.    Susan Stone: Well, we talk a lot about that in the book and actually the genesis for the book.But choking parents out there, you all need to tell your kids Cut that out, that no choking, choking, equal bad. Now, for parents, they all think, my kids wouldn't do that. And again, this is all in the book, but that is an important conversation to have. Don't choke. But things have changed from when I grew up because, I mean, my mother didn't have to tell me, don't let anyone choke you and don't choke others.   Kristina Supler: Oh having that that mental picture in my head right now, Having met Susan's mother, I'd love to envision this conversation.    Susan Stone: My mom was like, don't get pregnant.  Kristina Supler: Sure. Sure. And I think that that's, by and large, the conversation in my house as well. We're different generations, but it was still sort of that construct that, you know, the worst thing that could possibly happen or that could, you know, go wrong was unplanned pregnancy.    Susan Stone: and become a pothead. That was a big one.    Kristina Supler:Sure. Yeah.    Susan Stone: But parents today, the stakes are higher with fentanyl I really cannot make it. Yeah, I remember we did a podcast with Birdie light.    Kristina Supler: Yeah, yeah. That organization that is promoting education about that the fentanyl test strips super important thing to be aware of. So let me ask you this. You're trying to have that conversation and your your child is walking away saying, Mom, stop, I know this. Oh my gosh, leave me alone.    Susan Stone: That's okay.    Kristina Supler: What do you do? Do you leave him alone?    Susan Stone: Yeah. What are you going to do? Follow him in the room screaming like a lunatic? No, it's okay. They hear you.    Kristina Supler: Well, that's what I think as well. And again, I mean, our kids are different ages, but I do think that at all ages, kids are listening. They're like little sponges absorbing. And, you know, even if they pick up a little shred of what you're trying to instill in them, I think it you know, something will land and hopefully achieve the, you know, intended effect.   Susan Stone:  I do want to kind of recap and conclude one thing. Just because you have a conversation, you we're not God.Okay. As parents,  Kristina Supler:what do you mean by that?    Susan Stone: Meaning you can't necessarily stop something from happening.   Kristina Supler: Sure. Right.    Susan Stone: It can happen with the conversation. It can happen without a conversation. But at least if you're done your level best. It will help later with parental guilt. At least you can say I tried, man.   Kristina Supler: Yeah, parental guilt. That's an interesting one, because I experience it personally.I think we come across it in our jobs every day. And, yeah, I think that, you know, my goal is to not parent for, for my own selfish purposes, like, so that I don't feel guilt. But at the end of the day, let's be honest, life is hard, Life is unpredictable. We can't protect our kids from everything. And so hopefully we can at least arm our kids with information to make good choices.   Susan Stone: I’ll tell you what wouldn’t you as parents wouldn’t rather have the difficult conversation that have to hire two lawyers who are a complete stranger, be the first ones to talk to students about the fact you're doing too much,    Kristina Supler: you're engaging in dangerous sexual behaviors. Your putting yourself in a bad situation at school with cheating.   Susan Stone: cheating. Yeah, right in battle. And, you know, don't use that chatGPT.   Kristina Supler: Oh, but It's so it's just there and it just spits it out beautifully.   Susan Stone: Oh, yeah It’s a ticket out of college, you know that    Kristina Supler: Sure is. Sure is.    Susan Stone: Okay. I think we've covered it. What do you think?   Kristina Supler: Yeah, this has been a good conversation. I hope our listeners, all of you parents out there, I hope you've enjoyed it and we've given you some food for thought and we welcome your feedback as well.Thanks for joining us.    Thanks for listening to Real Talk with Susan and Kristina. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to our show so you never miss an episode and leave us a review so other people can find the content we share here. You can follow us on Instagram. Just search our handle at Stones Supler and for more resources, visit us online at Student Defense.kjk.com. Thank you so much for being a part of our real talk community. We'll see you next time.
Real Talk Podcast: The Insider's Guide to Summer Camp Success
06-12-2023
Real Talk Podcast: The Insider's Guide to Summer Camp Success
On this episode of Real Talk, Susan and Kristina are joined by Dr. Christopher Thurber for an insider’s guide to summer camp success.     Dr. Thurber has dedicated his professional life to improving how trusted adults nurture others and to enhancing the lives of adventurous youth. A graduate of Harvard and UCLA, Dr. Thurber has served as a psychologist and instructor at Phillips Exeter Academy since 1999. Over the past 25 years, he has been invited to lead workshops on five continents.   His best-selling family resource, The Summer Camp Handbook, was recently translated into Mandarin to help launch the youth camping movement in China. And his most recent book, The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure, was described by The Atlantic as “a tour de force” and “the rare parenting book that respects both parents and children.”   Dr. Thurber’s research and writing have focused on homesickness prevention and healthy parenting, especially in the domains of pressure and learning from mistakes.     LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW: https://drchristhurber.com/  https://www.exeter.edu/faculty/christopher-austin-thurber  https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Kid-Parents-Todays/dp/1637743807   SHOW NOTES:   Introduction and the importance of planning for children’s summer camp (00:21)Introduction of Dr. Christopher Thurber (00:57)Ideal age for children to start attending overnight summer camps (1:53)Benefits of longer stays at camps and how they affect homesickness and personal growth (3:07)Insights into the positive impacts of summer camps on children's social skills and self-confidence (5:54)Choosing the right summer camp and what to look for (7:34)The role of camp advisors and the best time to start looking for summer camps (9:19)Indicators of a camp’s quality (10:14)Tips on how to vet summer camps (11:46)Addressing homesickness and how to prepare your child for camp experiences (14:32)Impact of technology and social media on children's camp experiences (17:00)Guidance on managing communication with children at camp (19:19)Advice for parents on conversations to have with their children before sending them to camp for the first time (22:55)Importance of not making 'pickup deals' with children and fostering independence (24:24)Tips for selecting the right camp (26:00)Conclusion with final advice for parents on preparing for the camp season and fostering a positive experience for their children (28:00)   TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Suler. We are full-time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversation. Susan Stone: Kristina, believe it or not, even though we're looking outside and there's a lot of snow out there, yuck. Did you know what time it is? Kristina Supler: Well, umm, if I'm thinking about what we're going to talk about today, I'm gonna guess that we're in the time of year that despite the snow outside, we have to start planning for our children's summers. Susan Stone: And especially summer camp. Believe it or not, if you want your child to go to one of the more, uh, popular summer camps, now is the time that you would register. And it's hard to think about it because like Santa Claus hasn't even come down that shoe. Kristina Supler: I know, and I'm particularly excited to speak with today's guest because I'm in, in my own family, wrestling with the idea of sending my son off to camp. And so this is, I'm really looking forward to today's talk. Susan Stone: We might learn a little something on real talk. Why don't you introduce our guests? Kristina Supler: Sure. Today we are joined by Dr. Chris Thurber, who has dedicated his professional life to improving how adults nurture others and enhance the lives of youth. A graduate of Harvard and UCLA, Dr. Thurber has served as a psychologist and instructor at Phillips Exeter Academy since 1999. Susan Stone: I've heard of it. Kristina Supler: Sure, he's written some books. His best-selling family resource is the Summer Camp Handbook, which has been translated into Mandarin. Believe it or not, and more recently, he has authored The Unlikely Art of Parental Pressure, which was described by the Atlantic as, “the rare parenting book that respects both parents and children”. Dr. Thurber's research and writing have focused on homesickness prevention, healthy parenting and helping children learn from mistakes. So Doctor Thurber, thanks for joining us today. Dr. Chris Thurber: Thanks for having me as a guest. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Susan Stone: So it's so funny. I was thinking about summer camp and I still remember that when my oldest, whose birthday it is today, happy birthday, Alex. But when she was in 3rd grade, I went on a field trip to Maine with her and we looked at camps together. Kristina Supler: I can only imagine. Ohh camp touring. What a life. Susan Stone: Yeah, it was great. We had the best bonding time, but the question is for you. I chose for to be a rising 4th grader as a time to go to camp. We looked at camps when she was a rising 3rd grader. In your professional opinion, what is the best time to send students away for a summer camp and experience? And I just have a second part to that question. I chose a camp where I just threw my kid in for seven weeks because I was told on from a well-known Cleveland area psychologist that they do better with a longer stint because when you do a shorter stint, just as you're getting over homesickness, you're yanking them away. Thoughts? Dr. Chris Thurber: Well, in terms of what age a child should be at overnight summer camp and I, I do think that like any experience overnight timer camp is not for everyone. But I would say that in my experience as a parent, as a researcher, as a psychologist, there's probably a camp for everyone. And I think it's a perfect complement to the traditional classroom setting. So a way of boosting kids social and emotional learning, a way of increasing their social skills, their confidence, their sense of adventure. And there's wonderful research to support all of my life experience and anecdotal evidence. The age at which a young person might go to overnight camp for the first time depends a lot on their previous life experiences and a little bit on their personality, and I think the way I would answer that question is not by giving you a number like 7 years old or 8 years old or 9 years old. But I could say that most overnight camps uh would take children as young as seven or eight. So that tells you something about 150 years of trial and error has landed us at that age, but for particular child, it really is gonna depend on that parent or primary caregiver looking carefully at that child's readiness, which depends a lot on what previous experience that child has had away from home. I don't know for Alex, but I would imagine that she had spent overnight at a friend's house, or she'd been at her grandparents house without you there for a couple of days. And that's the perfect sort of preparation for multiple weeks at an overnight camp. Susan Stone: And do you have a thought about the second part of my question, 4 weeks versus 7 weeks or maybe even shorter depending on the camp? Dr. Chris Thurber: Well, I haven't in my experience noticed a difference in the factor that your friend cited, which is intensity of homesickness. In fact, this was what I wrote my dissertation on was homesickness and have followed the research that's been done since then, quite closely enough to know that there isn't a difference in, say, homesickness intensity between someone who's staying at camp for two weeks versus 4 weeks versus 7 weeks. That again, I would say your friend was right in that longer stays and I would say four weeks or more result in a more immersive experience for young people and that shorter stays just a few days are a good taste of what? Overnight camp is like, but aren't gonna create the kind of social bonds and result in the sort of self-reliance and you know, willingness to try new things that will happen with a longer stay. Susan Stone: That's exactly what I learned at that time. That you'd really takes a good chunk of time like 4 weeks as the minimum before you can really develop the friendships, develop leader styles, or even reinvent yourself. You could be that nerd at school and that fabulous person at camp. It's a chance of really defining yourself. Kristina Supler: Sounds like a good movie. Dr. Chris Thurber: It is very cool in that way. Well, it's a good movie and an even better experience. It's one we, you know, we underestimate sometimes. I think the social pressures that young people feel in elementary school even and you mentioned the unlikely art of parental pressure that I wrote with Hank Weissinger. We took a look at a lot of the research that's been done and were surprised ourselves to see how pernicious the effects of unhealthy pressure are for even elementary school age children and a lot of it is about pressure to conform, conform to dress, conform to preferences for favorite TV shows and how you present yourself online. So there are a lot of different domains of conformity, all of which happily evaporate at the best camps, and I think that that sort of reinventing yourself and boost in self-confidence can happen in as little as two weeks. I would also agree with you that a longer stay like 4 or 7 is going to strengthen that young person's confidence. Kristina Supler: Dr. Thurber, I'm curious to hear your thoughts for our listeners out there, parents with the child, let's just say in grade school age is irrelevant, but a child who's maybe only slept at grandparent's house or has had maybe one or two sleepovers with a friend family member, whomever, what advice would you give those parents for sort of the building blocks to help ease your child into this experience to go away from home? Dr. Chris Thurber: To have more of those, I mean, and we were at deficit because of having to quarantine many of us during the pandemic. So we have some catching up to do in providing healthy experiences for kids away from home. And just as you suggested in your question a day here a night here a couple days expanding to you know, two or three days, those sorts of experiences are what give a young person confidence in their ability to spend time away from home without their primary caregiver or caregivers and they can alert you as a parent to any sort of anxieties that need to be sorted out prior to a camp stay. Susan Stone: What should parents look for in and overnight camp? Kristina Supler: Hmm. That's a good question because no camp is gonna say yeah, send your kid here. We're OK. I mean, every camp has a long list of superlatives. Best, most fun. Exciting. You name it. You know, everyone's smiling on on the video on the website. What do you what should parents look for when vetting camps? Dr. Chris Thurber: You guys are cracking me up and it's such a great question. First of all, can I just say how happy I am that we're recording this in late November and hopefully it'll be provided to your listeners soon because as you said in the opener, this is the time. This is the time uh. I get asked to do podcasts all the time in May, right? Kristina Supler: But well, I know this was and this was Susan's idea, this idea, an experienced camp mom sender offer. Dr. Chris Thurber: Well, may all moms and dads be as pression as Susan and Kristina? Seriously, it's it's, you know, this is the time to be thinking about it. This is the time, as Christina said, to be preparing with practice time away from home and what you should look for in a summer camp is a great question because and you were joking about it, you go into a camp's website. Remember that that's marketing, and I'm not deriding camps or their websites, and it's important that they have them and there's great information on them. But remember, it's marketing and the the camps are gonna look similar. I mean, you can distinguish the all boys camps from the all girls camps, from the all gender camps, from the Coed camps and the ones that have horseback riding from the ones that don't have horseback riding. And that is information that you can call from a website, but that's not telling you anything about the quality. So I would say three things that I think parents need to look for and you have listeners all around the world, but let's bring it down to North America. In Canada, there are provincial camp associations like for Ontario and for British Columbia, et cetera. In the United States, we have the American Camp Association. These are the accrediting bodies for camps, and it doesn't guarantee that a particular camp is a great match for your kid. But these associations are a first step that can't that parents should look for is the camp accredited to be an operation? It needs to be certified by the Board of Health in most states, so you can assume that that's the case, but you can ask to see their, you know, Board of Health cert. Then I would say by whom are you accredited knowing that accreditation happens once every few years and it is a way of saying at the time this camp was visited by trained peers and the camp world it it met these minimum criteria? Or maybe exceeded them then is where it gets interesting, and that's why Jon Malinowski and I wrote the Summer Camp Handbook, because there are lots of accredited camps and some of them I wouldn't ever send my own child to and some of them I would be glad to. So I think what you need to look for is first and foremost after it's passed Board of Health and accreditation. Is this a place where there's a good deal of tenure among the staff now? Potentially, the director who was there for 30 years, just retired, and so the new directors only been there for a couple of years. But you wanna look over time? What's the average tenure of the director? What is the average tenure for the other senior staff, assistant directors, program directors, waterfront directors and how long did the staff who work there generally work there, and that tenure tells you a lot about the loyalty and the spirit and the consistency that will exist at that camp, which I think are all important contributors to a young person having a really positive experience. Next is where do they get their staff and how do they train them? And this is really my wheelhouse because yeah. Susan Stone: I remember that because the camp I had sent my children to through a lot of counselors that they receive from Australia and England, and I remember because they made my kids eat Vegemite and they thought that was hilarious, but they were great. They really had some really fun and they were learning the fun, cute accents and they love it and I don't know if you agree with this, but I really like that the camp we ended up selecting had a therapist and staff to deal with the issues and it really was quite helpful. Dr. Chris Thurber: Yeah, I endorsed that wholeheartedly. And I think that people in that position, a mental health professional who's part of a camp, often also participate in the staff training. So as I was saying, where the staff from where they how are they hired? How are they trained that that's really crucial, right? I mean, the centerpiece of the camp experience is gonna be your child's new relationship with this young adult surrogate caregiver. Will they make peer friends? Yes, of course. But who influences the experience more than anyone else are the young adult leaders. And so you wanna know as much as you can about them. Kristina Supler: That's a really great piece of advice for parents out there listening to this though, to look at the tenure of staff and employees, how many come back year after year because that speaks volumes for the nature of the experience, happy staff then hopefully translates to happy campers. So I love that. Dr. Chris Thurber: It definitely does. Susan Stone: Now, I don’t want to date myself in my next question. Do you remember the Alan Sherman song? Hello mudda. Hello fada. I won't sing for everybody. It's like one of my favorite songs. It's a really funny song. Alan Sherman. Hello mudda. Hello fada FADDUH. Great song for you listeners out there. I would play it, but it talks about homesickness and  you know, I remember when I sent my kids to camp. I I thoughts homesickness was normal, so when I got the first I miss you mom letter. I knew it was temporary and then by the time you picked them up, they're like, oh, I wanna stay in there crying that they're leaving. However, my kids were young and went to camp pre COVID and pre the mental health issues that Kristina and I wrestle with every day. I mean, I believe that kids are wrestling with social media. My kids did not have cell phones when they went to camp. It was unthinkable that a young child or a middle schooler would have a cell phone. Kristina Supler: That's so interesting that you say that, Susan. I hadn't thought about that, and imagining well my daughter, I mean, I guess I have a direct experience with this, but I hadn't really tied it to the context of our practice. When she's away at camp in the camp experience, she has every summer's two weeks of sleep away and there's no electronics or anything like that. And she's fine. I mean, she adores her camp experience, but for many students who are so tied to their devices, social media, all those connections to then have them ripped away, it makes the transition all the more difficult. And pile on top of that homesickness. It actually is a lot. It's a tall, emotional order for adolescence. Susan Stone: So how do you know Doctor Thurber between normal homesickness, that a parent should go, huh that'll pass, versus something's curious I need to check in on this and how. What is the appropriate way to check in on this? It is not get on a plane I assume and pull your kid out immediately. But is it? Dr. Chris Thurber: No, absolutely not. Susan Stone: I could be wrong. Dr. Chris Thurber: No, you're not wrong. Again, you're right. You're also again present in, saying that home sickness is normal because it absolutely is. Of course, it varies in intensity from one person to another, but adults miss things about home when they're away as well, like on a business trip or something like that. So right, so look, the and this is really essential preparation in addition to what I said earlier about some practice time away from home. But letting your child know that you expect that there will be some things they miss about home. Maybe it'll be home cooking. Maybe it'll be you, or if there's another parent in the household, maybe it'll be the comforts of their room. The dog, dog, sibling, whatever it might be and you know it's different things for different people. But with practice time away from home and with an understanding that this is an absolutely normal phenomenon. And I tell kids. Look, there's something about home you miss that means there's something about home you love. That's wonderful. And all those things that you love are gonna be there when camp wraps up. So love this while you're at camp, love this experience. Make yourself at home here and look forward to what you're going to return to. You know, it's fantastic, however. There are instances when you know the intensity of home sickness is getting in the way of that child's enjoying activities and participating in other ways at camp. It's getting in the way of their making new friends and it's getting in the way of their eating and sleeping and well-trained staff are gonna know. How to spot that? Here's a kid who isn't eating well, sleeping well, not participating, not making friends. So those sort of primary functions of a camper when they're, you know, a day or two, we're going to make it if it's that extreme on a chronic basis, that camper is not eating well, sleeping well. Connecting participating. The first thing that's gonna happen again with at a camp with a well-trained staff is someone at camp is gonna contact you and say, here's the situation. Here's how we've been managing it. Let's talk about options, but it would be a huge mistake for any parent to preemptively respond to what is in 99.9% of cases, a normative, homesick letter by getting themselves to the camp and robbing their child of such an important developmental experience. Kristina Supler: Do phone calls help or hurt a child sort of weather the storm of homesickness. Dr. Chris Thurber: Unequivocally, they hurt until you've passed at least the two-week mark and then phone calls, if it's a four or seven week experience, are appropriate if they are scheduled not as a treatment for homesickness, not you missed your mom or you miss your dad or and so let's get them on the phone. It's never a treatment for homesickness and it if it's ever used by camp directors who don't know the research, haven't been to one of my workshops or parents who, you know, haven't read this summer camp handbook. And again, these are loving, well-intentioned people, but it is absolutely the wrong thing to do. If it's a scheduled contact after the two-week Mark that's used simply as a way to keep in touch, great. Even better though, letter writing. Because think about the difference you have to ponder You have to personalize. You have to reflect and then to get a response you have to wait and that's really good for kids. They don't have enough practice. Susan Stone: Delayed gratification.   Kristina Supler: Though I will say that all the the shishi camps now, there's still some letter writing, but then there's the there's emails and it's not, you know, unfettered access, but you have to wait a day for your response. So there's a little bit of delayed gratification, but it's not like a week for the post to be delivered. Susan Stone: Oh, what about care packages? Because I know that I remember this like it was yesterday. What started out as send a few pieces of candy, then became my kids were saying this one got this and this one got that, and you don't love me if you don't send me this and…. Kristina Supler: The status thing, it almost turned into as well. The comparisons who got what. Susan Stone: And I was always on the bottom. Does that surprise you? Kristina Supler: I doubt that very much. Susan Stone: And I’m telling you I sent some good care packages. Thoughts? Dr. Chris Thurber: Well, if you know if, if you're bored this summer, you could send me some care packages just to my home because I won't be. But now I see it it that is the problem you just described it and most camps are moving to a policy of no care packages. Sending your child to camp investing your you know time and your money. Although many camps also offer financial aid, you did a wonderful thing by involving Susan, your child, in the search for what camp is it going to be? It gave Alex decision control. She felt involved in the process. That is a wonderful way to diminish the intensity of homesickness. So without having a conversation, the two of us, you did so many things well. And I would say if the camp now is not allowing care packages, they're doing something well, because having your child go to camp is a way of showing you care in all caps, bold exclamation point, italics underlined. This is a way of showing you care and the camp has wonderful food and snacks and lots of things to do. So you don't need to send care packages and that makes it easier for everybody, not just in the name of equity and preventing this kind of comparison, but also in the name of hygiene, you know, camps that allow care packages. Susan Stone: Or lack thereof. Dr. Chris Thurber: Ohh. Or exactly? Susan Stone: I mean, I came back and saw some yellow teeth. I doubt we're brushed, but you know that's part of it. Dr. Chris Thurber: Yeah, well, there's that. There's that, but there's also raccoons and mice and squirrels and all the other, you know, creepy crawlies that also love your chocolate chip cookies. Susan Stone: Yeah. Who wouldn't. Kristina Supler: I'm curious, are there any conversations that sort of come to mind that you encourage parents to have with their children before sending them off? Probably the first time or so to camp. Dr. Chris Thurber: So it's it, you know, it's normal for expect that your child is gonna express some kind of trepidation. It could be, what if I feel homesick? Or what if I don't like this? Or what if I'm not making friends, but the response that I coach parents to have when there's some kind of expression of, you know, concern is or anticipatory anxiety? Hey, I'm glad I'm glad we're talking about this. I think there will be some sort of adjustment because it's a new place with new traditions, different menu of activities and food. And of course, like that takes some getting used to. It's also part of the excitement is that it's different, different from home. It's different from school and I've every confidence that you will be able to push through those periods of adjustment those days when you feel like, ohh, you wish you had another friend or you're missing something from home or you don't like what's served for lunch. That's part of the experience and then you know, so that's the conversation to have is one that expresses optimism, optimism and confidence. The conversation not to have at any cost in any circumstance is the pickup deal, so saying, well, if you don't like it, I'll come and get you. Susan Stone: Umm, Nope, not happening. Dr. Chris Thurber: If you feel homesick, yeah. Because you have, you have just, you know, incapacitated the camp staff, whatever they would say to coach your child through a normal bout of homesickness is immediately surpassed by your offer on the table, which is there something you don't like? I'm gonna come and get you. What we wanna be doing as loving parents is saying, you know, there's something you don't like or if you're uncomfortable, I want you to learn the coping skills to manage that right. I mean, and you don't have to use those words, but when you say you can persevere, the camp staff are there to help you write to me about how you feel. And I'll write back. You know, this is this is what we want to say. Without ever, ever putting on the table a pickup deal it just it it it's horrible. Kristina Supler: But what's interesting is that essentially what I'm hearing you say, reading between the lines are listening between the lines. It is parents don't insert
Real Talk Podcast: College Students Discuss the 'Turkey Drop' and Thanksgiving Breakup Stories
22-11-2023
Real Talk Podcast: College Students Discuss the 'Turkey Drop' and Thanksgiving Breakup Stories
Are you familiar with the term "Turkey Drop"? This phenomenon occurs when college freshmen return home for Thanksgiving and often part ways with their hometown sweethearts. In a special Thanksgiving episode of Real Talk, hosts Susan and Kristina are joined by three students from a prominent midwestern university. Each student candidly shares their personal experiences of going through breakups during this period, offering valuable insights into the complexities and emotions leading up to these moments of transition.     LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW: https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Kid-Parents-Todays/dp/1637743807     SHOW NOTES: ·       Introduction to the show and hosts, Susan Stone and Kristina Supler (00:01) ·       Discussion on the excitement of the first Thanksgiving when students come home from college (00:14) ·       Introduction of the "Turkey drop" concept and personal experiences (00:38) ·       Introduction of three student guests: Laney, Jenna, and Morgan (01:41) ·       Discussion on the reasons behind the "Turkey drop" (06:02) ·       Sharing locations with friends and partners for safety and convenience (08:59) ·       Experiences post "Turkey drop" and current relationships with ex-partners (16:04) ·       Advice for freshmen with high school relationships (17:49) ·       Suggestion for a holiday gift: the book "Yes, your Kid" (19:35) ·       Conclusion and thanks to the guests (20:10) ·       Outro and promotion for the show (20:46)   TRANSCRIPT: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Kristina Suler. We are full-time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversation. Susan Stone: So in anticipation of Thanksgiving, Kristina, I wanted to do a really fun podcast, but I have to tell you that I know parents who have the freshmen who went off to college. The parents are so excited because there's nothing like that. First Thanksgiving when your kid comes home from college one day. You'll say that to me. I remember when you told me that. Kristina Supler: I'm sure I don't doubt it. Susan Stone: But not all is Turkey and pumpkins because some kids come home from college and they do the Turkey drop, which is when college kids come home and break up with their hometown, honey. But Kristina, you have an interesting view of this and actually so do I, but I want to hear what you say. Kristina Supler: I did not do the Turkey drop, so I married my high school sweetheart. I didn't come home from Thanksgiving and do the breakup that you see everywhere. And now I'm married and have two kids, Susan Stone: And I also want to share, and I hope I don't embarrass her, that my own daughter did not do the Turkey drop and she just married her high school sweetheart this summer. So it doesn't always happen. But with that said, I'm hoping we're going to get into some juicy conversation about it. Why don't you introduce our guests? Kristina Supler: Yes. We are really excited today to be joined by three students from a wonderful Midwestern university that we're very familiar with. We're joined today by Laney, Jenna, and Morgan, who are going to share with us their perspectives on the Turkey drop. So ladies, without giving away anything that would reveal your identities, tell us a little bit about yourselves and what you're doing at school and really what you know about the Turkey drop Susan Stone: And identify yourselves because of course our listeners can only hear you and not see you. So say it's Jenna, it's Laney. Jenna: I'm Jenna. I am currently applying to law school right now, which is exciting and going through the process. Yes, and I did participate in the Turkey drop my freshman year of college. Susan Stone: What happened? Jenna: Pretty much verbatim what the Turkey drop would be. Two days after Thanksgiving, he came over to my family Thanksgiving party and then I was like, this is just not it anymore. And then two days later we broke up and now he's dating my best friend from high school. Susan Stone: No, well, there you go. Jenna, what question? Were you both freshmen at different colleges or was he your hometown and still in high school? Jenna: He was from my hometown, but we were both at separate colleges. We went separate colleges, so did long distance for the first three months and then called it quits. Susan Stone: Was it hard for you? I was just going to ask. Jenna: I was upset a little bit, but I was very much ready for the relationship to be over. But I feel like when you're date for a while, it's always a little bit upsetting, but definitely. Well, it's Susan Stone: We’ll it’s always over until you meet the one, right? Right. Yeah. Laney, what about you? Lany: Okay, so my story's a little bit different. Well, I'm Laney and I am a marketing major, and I did the Turkey drop second or my second year of college, so my sophomore year. So we actually made it through the freshman year, but then sophomore year we did it for a while. I just kind of was like, I don't even know. I was kind of just bored. I needed something new and then I was seeing all these new faces at school, so I just decided to participate in the Turkey drop and it happened. Well, he knew it was coming that I was going to break up with him. So when we were from the same hometown, but we went to two separate colleges, but he knew I was going to break up with him, so he just made me do it over the phone because he didn't want to have to see me in person to do it. I think he was embarrassed. Susan Stone: I think that's reasonable, don't you? Yeah, I mean, Lany: Yeah, it's reasonable. We ended up talking after that, but we dated for about four years, so I feel like it would've been a little more mature if he let me do it in person. Kristina Supler: Oh, that's a long relationship to just have a breakup over the phone actually. I agree with you. Lany: Yeah, I agree. Yeah, but then we ended up talking later over Thanksgiving, I think at Christmas break is when we actually ended up talking in person. But nope, just over Thanksgiving break I went for a drive and just broke up with him over the phone. Kristina Supler: Morgan, what about you Morgan? Morgan: I know. So I participated in the Turkey job my freshman year of college and we went to two different colleges. We dated all through high school and I don't know, I kind of just got to college and realized there's more to do in the world than be with my high school boyfriend, and I just decided that it was becoming a lot, having to keep up with him all the time, and I thought it was time to go our separate ways. Susan Stone: And I mean, was the grass greener on the other side of the fence? Morgan: Yes, I will say I think that's so bad, but I think it was a long time coming Halloween and he surprised me on Halloween right before we went home for Thanksgiving and it was fine, except I think I realized that was when I wasn't the most excited to be seeing him. I was excited for a fun Halloween with my new friends that I had met at college. So it was definitely that for me that I realized I think I was better off just doing my own thing and being more independent than having to rely on my high school boyfriend. Susan Stone: Well, that leads me to the question for all three of you, and maybe we just kind of go in reverse order. What do you think the main reasons are for the Turkey drop? Morgan: I think for me, it wasn't even like I met someone new at school that I was interested in. I think it was more just realizing I didn't want to have to be, I don't know. I wanted to be able to go out and not have to worry about texting my boyfriend where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. And that's kind of what it was for me freshman year because I know for me, I really loved my school, but for him it was a bit of a different story. So it was just two different dynamics and I think it was just time for us to part ways and meet new people.  Lany: I would say almost the same thing. Yeah, we went to two very different schools. He was playing a sport in college, the division one sport, so he was super busy and we were just living two completely different lives and I was just meeting a bunch of people and we're in a sorority, so taking people to date parties, it kind of just got to the point where I just wanted to be able to go to more date parties with boys and bring them to mine. And I don't know, just our schools were very different, so I feel like I would be doing things completely different than he would on the weekends. He would be going to games and I would be going out and stuff. Just meeting a lot of people.  Jenna: And then I think for me was our relationship was fine, except I think that once we both went our separate ways to college, we were a little too okay without each other and we never went to visit each other, never really cared to. So I think it was more of a just fizzling out of a relationship because we just really kind of realized that we were very okay without each other and didn't really need that anymore. Susan Stone: So I have a question, Jenna, you mentioned not wanting to have to go out and then check in with your boyfriend when you got home. I am curious, how common is it that you share your locations and you check in with each other after a night out? Are all college students doing that now or is that something that only parents do to keep an eye on their students? Jenna: It's actually funny. I still have his location. He still has mine really, because we just never unshared them. But I think, all my friends have my locations and stuff, so I think it's really common now just for a lot of people to have your location, not necessarily making sure you're in a certain place or whatever, more for safety purposes and stuff and just because fun to see where everyone is. I do think it's kind of normal now if you guys would say the same. Yeah, definitely.  Susan Stone: I just want to point out that I always disagree with parents about locations. I'm one of the few parents I know who does not share location.  Kristina Supler: You always say Susan, I don't want to know. Let them lead their lives. I want to live my life. Susan Stone: Well, parents say to me, but it's a safety thing, and I respond back, what are you going to do? Students: That's so true. Yeah, that is very true. Susan Stone: And I also don't want to know my husband's location, and you know what? I don't want him to know mine. I am. Amen. Yeah, I just feel like I got to be a level of trust. Do you think, do you view it because I know all our clients sharing location is a thing, so do you view it as a way of forming intimacy with a friend or a boyfriend or a safety issue? Because I find it creepy. Lany: I feel like I use it a lot more for my friends than I do with my family. Like you said, what are you going to do about it? Yeah, if I'm going out and it's two in the morning, my mom's sleeping, she's not looking at my location. But I feel like for friends, it's super nice, like, oh, we're at one bar, but I don't know where my friends are. You just look at their location. If sometimes in the bars your phone's not working or people just aren't on them, it's good to just be able, oh, they're here. I can go there. Or someone's picking you up from class and you can just check to see how far they are. I feel like it's honestly very useful. Convenient. Convenient for roommates, but I'm not ever really looking at my mom or dad's location. Well, my dad will share it. I feel like locations be a good thing until you take it. If someone was to take it out of pocket, I feel like if you had a boyfriend really tracking you and keeping tabs on where you are, then I feel like that's just taken to the next level. But I agree. I think I use my location more for just us. Yeah, for sure.  Susan Stone: Interesting. Kristina Supler: Yeah. I'm wondering for, so the three of you have all done the Turkey Drop. Do you have any friends who have done it but then maybe reunited with the dropped person later? Student:  I do. I have a friend who did. I don't remember if she did Turkey drop or if it was over Christmas break, one of the two. But then, yeah, they reunited back over summer, but then broke up two months after that. So I think it was for the best that the Turkey drop should have just stayed. Susan Stone: Do you think you could manage, if you sort of were on the fence, okay, that you realized, I do love this person, but I don't want to be timed down. Could you remain open or is that too much? Student: I feel like that's the point. Student: I agree with that. I feel like I was to the point where I was like, if I'm going to break up with him, I just like it's going to happen. I didn't want to, don't know. I feel like I was past the point of making the effort, trying new things of if I would do open or anything. It was kind of just past that point. She was staying open.  Student: I think that I feel like I was already kind of doing that. We really didn't. I never texted him the whole time when I was out. I did my own thing. I usually really never knew where he was or what he was doing, which just goes to my point where I think we were a little bit too comfortable with being away from each other.  Student: I think mine was more of kind of random. I remember calling my mom, she's like, why are you breaking up with him? I didn't really have a reason. I feel like it was just not being able to see him. We lived in the same neighborhood, so I saw him all the time before every single day. So I think just kind of growing apart and nothing really happened, so it was hard, but I feel like, I don't know what I'm even going with this, but I feel like if we would've went to the same schools, we probably would've stayed together.  Student: I feel like when it begins to feel like you have to text them and you have to tell them things, you kind of just know this is fizzling out. We're
Real Talk Podcast: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex
08-11-2023
Real Talk Podcast: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex
On this episode of Real Talk, Susan and Kristina are joined by Dr. Debby Herbenick to discuss their new book, Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex. Covering various aspects of sexuality and sexual education including the challenges of working with students in crisis situations, the evolving definitions of what constitutes "sex," and the prevalence of rough sex practices, specifically choking, in contemporary sexual experiences. In this episode, they touch on the confusion and lack of comprehensive sexual education, and how the digital age and online media have further complicated these issues. The conversation highlights how different individuals may have varying definitions and perspectives on what constitutes sexual activity.   Pre-Order Our Book "Yes, Your Kid" Today!   Links Mentioned in the Show ·       https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Kid-Parents-Todays/dp/1637743807 ·       https://sexualhealth.indiana.edu/   Show Notes: Book announcement (00:25)Introduction of Dr. Debby Herbenick (1:50)Book summary (3:10)Why should parents buy this book? (4:10)The different perspectives during the writing process (6:10)How the research is different from the legal perspective (9:57)How the types of cases change over time (13:30)How sex changes (15:00)How choking has grown in prevalence (18:10)How well are students educated about sex (19:40)How the internet changes student education (21:40)How the definition of sex changes over time (22:20)How different groups of people define sex (25:45)The goal of being an “askable” parent “(27:50)The importance of providing information to kids and students (30:00)What was your favorite part of writing this book (32:05)How sex on the spectrum is discussed (34:50)Current trends of mental health in students (36:30)
Real Talk Podcast: The Current Digital Landscape
25-10-2023
Real Talk Podcast: The Current Digital Landscape
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler discuss the digital landscape, what parents should be aware of and how to promote healthy offline connections. Pre-Order Our Book "Yes, Your Kid" Today! Show Notes: ·         Discussing the digital landscape, what’s new and what parents should be aware of (00:45) ·         What platforms are commonly used? (1:20) ·         Description and explanation of Snapchat (2:15) ·         What can parents do at home (3:20) ·         Cell phones and driving (4:35) ·         How phones effect sleep (5:20) ·         How to help promote healthy offline connections (6:10) ·         How the pandemic effected digital habits (7:15) ·         Offline activities (8:30) ·         Being aware of online bullying (9:20) ·         Social media and FOMO (9:50) Transcript Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Christina Soupler. We are full-time moms and attorneys, bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real, candid conversation. After school time is happening, and I think you and I need to explore what we saw last year to helpfully give our listeners some food for thoughts this school year for younger kids, the middle school and high school crowd.   Kristina Supler: Today we're going to talk about the digital landscape and what parents need to know and what's going on out here.   Susan Stone: Now what's new? And what's new today will not be new, it changes every day. So I think our first piece of advice to parents is stay on it.   Kristina Supler: And don't give up hope. I mean so often we hear, I don't know, I'm not good with tech these kids in their phones, who knows. But I mean at the end of the day, you don't have to know the intricacies of how to post the most perfect video. You just have to understand the platforms that kids are using and generally what's going on and what are the dangers of those platforms really.   Susan Stone: So to prepare, I called my rising senior and said, "What is everyone on your grade on?" I thought I'd start there and I wasn't surprised. We knew the answers.   Kristina Supler: TikTok and Snapchat.   Susan Stone: TikTok and Snapchat. Everybody is both viewing and making videos on TikTok, TikTok, is trending really well. And that B-roll, B-real, right, Kristina?   Kristina Supler: B-real.   Susan Stone: B-real. Real film. Got it. Where they would send a notification and then you have to take a quick picture. What was the purpose of that? That was a new one.   Kristina Supler: I guess to be spontaneous and be your authentic self versus having these perfectly choreographed videos. And anyway, it's always changing. But there's ways for parents to find out what's going on out there.   Susan Stone: Word of advice on snapchat. So the whole idea of parents for those of you who don't know is that you send a snap, I guess that's what it's called, and then it disappears. Does it?   Kristina Supler: I would say yes and no or sometimes. I mean, it seems like every case that we have there's an issue with snapchat and sometimes messages are recoverable, believe it or not, through backup files and other means and forensic analysis. But often they're not. And, you know, again, sometimes it's a blessing that messages can't be recovered. And then you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I would do anything if we could track down these messages. So, you know, I think snapchat it's just one of those things where the bottom line should be, you don't know what's going to happen. Just be thoughtful about what you put out into the universe.   Susan Stone: And don't assume just because you send a snap to somebody that it is going to disappear before someone has had a time, a chance to take a screenshot. Show and reproduce and send off that snap. Careful what you snap in a snap.   Kristina Supler: Amen, there you go. What about, I mean, what can parents do at home to educate their children about online safety and then model healthy behaviors?   Susan Stone: Well, I don't like lecturing. It never works. I think modeling healthy behaviors,   Kristina Supler: I totally agree.   Susan Stone: And I just share one pet peeve that I see all the time. I hate phones at the dinner table.   Kristina Supler: I agree. And in my house, we're actually very strict about that because if we weren't, there absolutely be a cell phone and then iPad at the dinner table. There'd be a YouTube video playing in the background and my husband and I was like, turn it off, turn it off. And it's just sort of like, eyeroll, okay, mom, fine. But if we didn't make them do it, they wouldn't do it.   Susan Stone: Well, let's be clear. Adults are just as bad about looking at their phone.   Kristina Supler:  Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Absolutely. It's how often do I know I catch myself all the time. I'm in a conversation, I'm listening and then I pull out my phone and I'm still kind of listening, but I'm also like totally engrossed in my Instagram feed and it's just you don't even realize how splintered your attention is.   Susan Stone: Do not look at your phone while you're driving that is in no bueno distracted driving is a huge problem. Kristina Supler:  And I don't have data. I wish I had some study to say I'm sure there's good research out there, but you know, I would say the reality is regardless of your age, texting and driving, bad, dangerous because if you're looking at your phone, by definition, you're not looking at the road.   Susan Stone: I'm very mindful that my children have always seen a pile of books. Very messily next to on my bed, stand next to my bed.   Kristina Supler: Same with me.   Susan Stone: I mean, I always have five books going, but the other night I caught myself looking at my phone and you know, it's not good for healthy sleep.   Kristina Supler:  No, and actually that that was something. I guess you could say I had the good fortune of learning back in college. I had tremendous trouble with sleeping. Insomnia, I would dread going to bed because I was just later for hours and hours and hours. Yeah, and you know, through that though, I learned the importance of having really good boundaries with electronics and the bedroom. And so not laying in bed on your phone or not looking at your laptop, shooting off some emails before you try to go to bed because you can't wind down.   Susan Stone: Well, and again, it's that modeling. If you want your kids not to be addicted to their devices, we have to establish healthy boundary with our own devices.   Kristina Supler: Absolutely. So what do your thoughts, Susan, on how to help promote really healthy offline connections?   Susan Stone: By doing.   Kristina Supler: Yeah.   Susan Stone: Again, it's that modeling. And so, I think it's important to, when I know when I go out and walk the dog to just say, "Hey, you want to come with me to walk the dog?"   Kristina Supler: Yeah, and I think this is one of those things that it's ironic that we're talking about this in the context of healthy tech habits because I think the practical advice is rooted in just old fashioned behaviors. And by that, I mean, just do stuff, try sports, try other clubs, maybe it's theater, just find stuff that's interesting. And it's through trial and error, you know, some kids are going to find stuff easier than others that they like. Some kids like everything they do. Others don't. Others, it's a more difficult journey to find stuff that's interesting and exciting. But you just have to keep encouraging them. And I think as parents, it's so easy, we come home from work, we're exhausted. Our children just want to be left alone in their bedrooms, but we still have to encourage them to do stuff. We still have to make the effort to have conversations, right?   Susan Stone: It was really challenging during the pandemic. Everybody lived virtually. For me, the conversation is how lucky we are that we're not living that pandemic life, even though, of course, people still get COVID. And it's here to stay. We're not locked in our homes. We can interact. There are people out and about into really show gratitude for things that were taken away from us.   Kristina Supler: That's such a great point about, you know, essentially perspective, because if you think about it in 2021, 2020, when we were locked in our houses and couldn't go anywhere, it was just like, "Oh, you do anything. You'd be exciting to go to Target, right?" And now it's interesting to see how sometimes we lose perspective on having the ability to go out and do things and socialize and interact with people. Susan Stone: I love going to the movies again. I don't care what anybody says. To me, there is nothing better than getting a big box of junior mints and sitting and watching a flick in a theater.cI love it.   Kristina Supler: I still want to be with you on this one. But I know like movie theaters. I actually, I am one of those people. I'd rather watch a movie in the comfort of my own home. But I hear you, though. I agree with your point generally speaking. Let's just getting out and doing things.   Susan Stone: And live theater in summer concerts.   Kristina Supler: Yeah. Yeah.   Susan Stone: Musical theater. I have my tickets for Six.   Kristina Supler: Oh, yes. I was looking at that over the weekend.   Susan Stone: The best. It'll be the second time I saw it. So I'm a repeat offender for sometimes seeing the same musicals. But everybody out there needs to stay informed on what's happening online. And be cautious about online bullying too.   Kristina Supler: Oh, that's that's such an important topic. And I actually think particularly with younger children now, little school, it's something that they're very aware of because they're taught so much about it in school. Which is a good thing that they know about it because let's face it, it does happen. And I mean, they don't want to be a total Debbie Downer, but let's face it, the internet is full of dangerous stuff. And people with bad intentions.   Susan Stone: The last topic I want to bring up is FOMO.   Kristina Supler: Hmm. Tell me more.   Susan Stone: Let's talk about this because I think here again, modeling can come through. Just because you see people smiling on that Instagram picture. It's a picture. It's a moment in time. It's okay if you're not included in that event.
Real Talk Podcast: The Importance of Interviewing in Title IX Complaints and Crime Reporting
11-10-2023
Real Talk Podcast: The Importance of Interviewing in Title IX Complaints and Crime Reporting
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Carrie Hull, who founded the You Have Options Program, nationally recognized for providing reporting options for survivors of sexual violence. Carrie also created the Certified FETI® Program, standardizing trauma interviews. They discuss the importance of utilizing effective interviewing techniques in investigations, specifically within the realms of law enforcement and Title IX cases. They also explore the necessity of gathering accurate information and avoiding biased assumptions through neutral questioning. The role of body language and filtering out implicit bias is also discussed.   Show Notes: ·         Carrie’s Background (1:30) ·         The FETI framework (2:30) ·         The science and study behind FETI (4:15) ·         The applications of a FETI interview (5:30) ·         How to ask questions using the FETI methodology (7:00) ·         Collecting the dots vs connecting the dots (08:30) ·         Receiving answers without judgement (10:00) ·         Use in different disciplines (11:45) ·         How FETI can be used in Title IX cases (13:50) ·         The importance of framing an investigation (16:30) ·         The role of body language in an interview (18:00) ·         How to prevent leading questions (19:45) ·         How to filter implicit bias (21:00) ·         How a FETI investigation differs (23:00) ·         Conclusion (25:20)     Transcript: Susan Stone: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Christina Subler. We are full-time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real candid conversation. Today's episode is gonna focus on a topic that Christina and I really take for granted, and that's the actual interviewing process of somebody who is either reporting a Title IX complaint or a crime. Kristina Supler:  I am excited for today's guest because I think that sometimes when lawyers are brought in for student advisors, in particularly campus Title IX cases, there's so much focus on the hearing. But I know Susan, you and I always talk about how important the interview is, and we spend so much time preparing our students for their interview. Susan Stone:  I agree. And we have seen so many different styles of investigators. It's like snowflakes no two are the same. And I, I really do mean that we've seen people who make our students feel interrogated. Kristina Supler: Sure. And, and then we've also had, you know, investigators who I felt were very impartial and truly there to just have a conversation to collect evidence. Susan Stone: On the flip side, you want your investigator to be impartial, but you also want the details to come out and you wanna make sure they circle back and do a thorough investigation and really try to dig out the truth. Kristina Supler That's right. That's right. Well, I'm excited to speak with today's guest, Carrie Hall. Yeah. Carrie is an Oregon native, a former de detective with the Ashland Police Department and a leading figure in improving law enforcement responses to sexual violence. She created the Certified FETI® Program, which is an interviewing methodology intended to sort of standardize investigative interviews. And through her consultancy, Carrie Hall Consulting, she also offers specialized training to law enforcements across the globe. We're really pleased to have you join us today. Carrie. Welcome. Welcome, Carrie. Carrie Hull: Well, thanks so much.   Susan Stone: We're gonna start with the first question. We like to go broad and then whittle down called the, is that the funnel approach? Carrie?   Carrie Hull: Funnel Technique. Funnel Susan Stone: So describe the FETI framework. How's that? Carrie Hull: Yeah, so FETI stands for the Forensic Experiential Trauma Interview, and it really is made up of a series of principles and foundational, you know, metrics that are on the practitioner. So when we say practitioner, we mean the person who is conducting the interview. We don't have any requirements or any restrictions that are placed on what we consider the participant. We don't view our participants as victims, witnesses, suspects, anything like that, because we really want them to remain and us to remain in the neutral. We are fully just a methodology that is about information collection. So it's been very interesting when I, when I was listening to that introduction and you talking about interacting with some of these different investigators, what I think is such a defining piece for me as an investigator of FETI is that it forces me to stay in the interviewer role and not conflate being an investigator at the same time, which lets me gather information in such a, well, more robust way, but also a more accurate way, because I'm not driving towards a conclusion, which is really more of that investigative side. So what FETI does is it asks the practitioners to really just be an interviewer, even if their other roles are also to investigate and to put things together. What the forensic experiential trauma interview methodology allows us to do is stay very, very specifically in information collection. So within that, we have some, you know, pieces of our framework. It's science-based. That's very, very important for us because that as that changes, as the neuroscience and, you know, the information about the brain comes out about memory and encoding and retrieval, we wanna make sure that we are actually are applying that and it's not taking years and years to be able to bring that into our methodologies. And then we have something called opportunities for information, and that's the bulk of the methodology. It's talking about using brain-based cues, very specific, we call them systems of security, to provide a lot of options for the people who are stepping forward and giving information to be able to actually have that information collected, but also have it documented accurately. So for us, it's very, very specifically not an investigations practice. It's all about information collection. Kristina Supler: And what are the, the realms in which the applications for use of FETI methodology, criminal cases, school cases, a mix? Carrie Hull: Yeah, it's definitely a mix. It started out very much focused within sexual violence cases. So this was born out of law enforcement, specifically out of the Department of Defense in the Army. One of our instructors who was very active still with us, Lori Hyman, was the first one to actually use the FETI methodology within an investigation. And that was within the Army criminal command. And, and that was focused around sexual violence cases predominantly. So it started out being used with people who were stepping forward and either identified themselves or identified by someone else as a victim. What it has grown into in mainly because we wanna enhance that neutrality. Our learning was that this needed to not focus so much on what somebody was saying they were, or putting them into a box, but just trying to really gather the experience of what they are saying happened in a really three-dimensional way. Then we take that information and we move it into another system. That could be an investigation, that also could be a hiring process. I do a lot of work, surprisingly. I I did never intend for this to be the case in human resources. We use this a lot within human resources. So the applications are endless. It really is focused on if somebody has had an experience, being able to gather that and document it accurately. Susan Stone: Carrie, I have a question that drives me crazy when I listen to interviews and it's how should fact gatherers? 'cause I'm not gonna call you investigators. I'm learning, try to elicit information as to the ultimate issue without being too obvious. So for example, if you ask somebody, did you steal the cookie? What do you expect? No, no. With crumbs all over. And the reason I say that is we were just involved in an investigation where there were just blanket denials. And I can't help but think that the reason everyone was just denying was because the questions were just too conclusive. Kristina Supler: Did you do this really bad thing? It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Carrie Hull: Well, and, and for me, it's so funny when I hear stuff like this because it just takes me back to the beginning of my career as a detective. Well, even prior to that as an officer. And I wish that I had this understanding then, because I used to, you know, find myself in very similar situations. And it was frustrating for everybody. 'cause you just didn't seem like you were able to do anything with it. Right? You just had people on one end denying people on one end, assuming, and then not a lot of information being shared in between, which is not helpful. So if I just use the cookie analogy, I'll just use that as an example. Let's say you have somebody that has res all over their face, right? And you have somebody who's accusing them of taking a cookie that they weren't supposed to have.  And so what we would say with FETI is move back from looking and making the accusation, because you might be wrong, right? The experience of the crumbs could have come from numerous other things other than a stolen cookie. Some of them might be unlikely, but it doesn't mean that they're impossible. And so we really just focus on gathering what that experience was for the person. So if I was walking up and interviewing the person who had crumbs all over their face, I might start out by saying, you know, help me understand how you feel right now instead of accusing them of doing something. Because just like what you mentioned, that's not one gonna be probably the most fruitful way to do it. But more importantly, you might be wrong. And what you're doing by, by going into that sort of investigative focus, driving towards an answer is you're losing all the information that helps you ultimately get to the answer. So what we've found is by just backing away from trying to, you know, connect the dots, we say in FETI, we collect the dots. We do not connect them. This is a massive shift from where we started when, when FETI was in its infancy, we used to use this analogy of puzzle pieces. And we used to say like, you're gathering the puzzle pieces. And the instructors would go up in front of the room and they would like throw a puzzle up in the air and do this big, you know, explanation of some puzzle pieces are upside down and right side up. And the goal right in the interview is to be able to gather them and put them together. That was so misinformed. And, and this is one of the things I love about this methodology, is we're, we're not guardians of it. We want it to change. And as neuroscientists push back, as practitioners push back, we realized, no, our goal as an interviewer is not to put the puzzle together. Our goal is just to collect the dots. So we, we say in our training that the dots are information, we collect them, we do not connect them. Connecting the dots is what you do in the investigation after you've collected that information. So to go back to that cookie analogy, I would just collect as much information as I could. You know, help me understand what I'm able to see on your face right now, and then let them answer. Right? Let them, even if let's just say they are absolutely fabricating, they, they come up with whatever it is. You know, aliens came down from outer space and rubbed a cookie all over my face, right? I'll just give a ridiculous one. Okay, tell me more about the aliens. And genuinely we're not gonna say that, you know, with any sort of judgment, we're not gonna say anything with that because that's not my role.  My role is to document whatever they're able to share with me at that time, and then to really, really be able to allow them space in that experience. And if that is a fabrication or a lie, that's okay, I'm gonna document that. That's just as important to take forward into an investigative process to be able to corroborate or refute that as, you know, this sort of feeling that we need to solve it in the moment. And once I realized that I didn't need to have the answer in the interview, life just got so much more effective. And it actually got simpler. My job was actually what it truly was, which was to interview. What I see people do instead is they call an an interview, you know, this form of gathering information. But when I review it, when I evaluate these, they are absolutely investigating. They're not interviewing, and they've completely bypassed the interview at all. And they've moved right, to trying to draw conclusions. So that's really what the methodology does, is it, it puts those kind of breaks and those reminders on the practitioner to truly go in and gather. Susan Stone: So you don't make credibility calls. Carrie Hull: We do not within the interview. Now, in other functions of like my work, I will absolutely be part of that process. But what I would say to my team if I'm working with them or myself, is I, have I gathered enough to be able to make that credibility assessment, right? So it is, and it can be pretty fluid, you know, as a police officer, we work all the time with people that are patrol and we work, you know, we don't ever encourage somebody to like say to the person they're interacting with right now, I'm doing an interview with you, right? And hold on, I need to stop and now I'm gonna be doing an investigation. That's absolutely not what we're saying. These are fluid principles and processes that you might be moving in and out of sometimes within a very short period of time. I'll give you a really quick example. We never anticipated this to be used, be used with paramedics. This a hundred percent was first for law enforcement and detectives. And we started seeing these paramedics coming to our trainings, and I remember I got to talk to some of them and I said, you know, one of our cues help me understand using this methodology in your work. And they started talking about just little tweaks that they were able to make to the questions that they're asking of their patients. And, you know, this was always the pushback we got is, I don't have time to do this. It takes too much time. And I love this example because it shows that it's really, the onus is on the practitioner for the words coming outta their mouth for how the data's collected. So they have somebody in the back of an ambulance and they said, they've just modified from before. They would say, where are you injured? Instead, now they've shifted to, what are you able to tell me about your body right now? And it's such a distinct and important difference. It costs the same amount of time to say, but what I'm told is they get so much more valuable information because one is asking for a conclusion, and it's also asking for a patient to be able to assess what injury is. That is a complicated thing for a brain, let alone if they're experiencing some sort of physical event to their body. So instead they say, what are you able to tell me about your body right now? And they're, yes, some of the information may not be relevant, but a lot of it is. And then they can pass all that information off to the ER staff who then are essentially, you know, the equivalent of the investigators that are gonna take that intel and decide whether it's relevant and whether it's needed for their assessment. So I, I really see that as sort of this enlightening of separating out the investigation from the interview. Kristina Supler: It's interesting to hear you speak so much about, I like the phrase collect dots, don't connect the dots. Yeah. It, when students come to us, particularly in the Title IX realm, and we're sort of preparing to embark on navigating the student through the process, oftentimes we're just engaging in information gathering and, and trying to identify what evidence might be out there. And so often, particularly with sex cases of any type, we're met with the response. Well, it, it was just, there was just two of us alone in a room. So who's to say it's one person's word against another? Carrie, I'd like to hear from you what sort of damage can occur when an investigator in Title IX case frames a case as a a, he said, she said, or something along those lines during an interview. Carrie Hull: Oh, it's my most hated phrase, and there's a lot of things that I don't like hearing, but he said, she said is just one that crawls up my back and, and gives me the worst feeling. So what I will say when I'm working with investigators specifically, and, and I get a lot of pushback for this, some of them take it very personally, and I think they should. But I am adamant if you as an investigator are ever saying it's a he said, she said case. Now, again, I'm talking as an investigator. Unfortunately society uses this term way too much. But as a professional, if you are using the term he said, she said, what you are communicating to me loud and clear is that you are very bad at your job. So if I, if I work with somebody, well, because what, what you have communicated, if you say, I have a he said, she said case one, the gendered problem is right there out, out as the front. But let's just say it is somebody stepping forward who identifies as a male and somebody identifies as a female. All you are telling me is that you have done two things in that case at best, you've talked to the female and you've talked to the male, you haven't investigated anything. So you don't have a case. You have two interviews. That's not a he said, she said case. And so that's where I say, you are really bad at your job if you said you have a, he said, she said case. There is always something to corroborate or refute, even in the cases that seemingly have very little information, you need to actually put the time and work in. This requires effort. These investigations require effort. And so if you are just going forward and you're taking a, you know, the report from one person and you're going and talking to the other person, and you're not doing anything else to corroborate or refute the information that's gathered in those, you don't have a case, you have two interviews and you just need to be accurate in your documentation that that's all you did. Susan Stone: 2 What I worry about in terms of what is considered cooperation, it's often bringing up prior mud slinging character evidence saying, oh, well she has a reputation of X, he has a reputation of Y and therefore they must have behaved a certain way at the incident in question. And so I agree with you, there are, it is limited when you frame something as, let's say they said, they said to be more neutral, but I also get worried what we consider to be valid corroborating evidence. Carrie Hull: Sure. And again, that's where I separate out the interview from the investigation, because now we're talking about drawing conclusions, we're talking about bringing that in. And instead, if somebody said to me, I just go immediately to my, my interviewer mind when I hear somebody say like mud slinging, for instance. And that's, of course this happens and it's horrible and it shouldn't, well, let's just go with the reality of it happening. If somebody came to me in one of my investigations and they said something like that, well, this person A, here's the reason that they should not be believed. I am going, Ooh, this is another opportunity for an interview. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna ask permission, you know, would you be willing to sit down and tell me more about that? Because when it is truly just the quote unquote mudslinging, right, there's no real relevancy. It falls apart in a really good professional interview when you have somebody who's skilled and knows what they're doing, or you can at least get back to this is where that credibility potential comes in. And at least now you're taking all those dots and you're offering them to whoever is the finder of fact or whoever's making that determination so that they have more than just a one or two word statement, which is traditionally what I see now that should not be entered in there, but, but there could be really good intel underneath that, right? Help me understand more about this, whatever that is. And I'm gonna have them explore it. And if it comes into, it's just an opinion, we don't really weigh opinions in our investigations very much. There needs to be more than that. We don't disregard it. We include everything that somebody gives us. But again, it's for that professional finder of fact that needs to determine the weight of it. Kristina Supler: Carrie, what role does body language play in both an interview and then I guess subsequently in an investigation because they're very different roles? Carrie Hull: Yeah, so for us as an interviewer, any sort of somatic response is again, just an opportunity. We, we really, this is a huge part of the framework where we talk about opportunities for information. We don't draw any conclusions about it. We just gather it and we document it. For instance, I do a lot of human trafficking work. There's just a ton of, you know, investigations that I get invited into to do the interviews for both people who are accused of being involved in human trafficking and people who are, you know, stepping forward as a victim of it or identified as a victim. And in those interviews, it is very, very common for there to be body movement, right? So, you know, as we're going in and, and they're, they're sort of inviting us into their experience. We'll do a lot of tell me mores. And as somebody's talking about it, I will might see them touch a part of their body. Sometimes it could be outside of their awareness, sometimes it could, it's not for me to determine that, but for instance, I might see them do this, right? Touch their wrist or do something like this. Now that can just be something that somebody does that could just be that they do that frequently when they talk. Or it might be something that is connected to the memory of what they're telling me about. My job as the interviewer is not to make a determination. My job is to cue to it. Now, what I won't do in an interview is I won't point out, oh, I see you that you're rubbing your wrist because that's leading, that's the same as a leading question. And I don't wanna do that. What I will say instead is, when appropriate, without interrupting them, what, if anything, are you able to tell me about your wrist at that time? Right? If they're talking about a specific
Real Talk Podcast: Hazing Culture And How To Eradicate It
27-09-2023
Real Talk Podcast: Hazing Culture And How To Eradicate It
Real Talk podcast is joined by Hank Nuwer, a renowned anti-hazing journalist, author, and scholar with over four decades of experience. He is known for his unwavering dedication to eradicating hazing culture and has authored many influential books on the subject. Hank maintains a comprehensive database of hazing deaths and continues to be a leading voice in raising awareness and advocating for prevention efforts in colleges and beyond. He is a respected authority on hazing and has conducted extensive research and interviews to shed light on this issue.   Show Notes: ●     Sharing personal experiences with hazing (01:20) ●     Analyzing the role of institutions in hazing prevention (05:10) ●     Highlighting the importance of education and awareness (08:15) ●     Should schools abolish Greek life or fraternity sororities? (10:25) ●     Discussion about different types of hazing (13:00) ●     How to define hazing (13.40) ●     How hazing manifests in different organizations (15:00) ●     Hank discusses his books and plays (19:00) ●     Hank discusses future projects (20:30) ●     Positive turn around stories from institutions (21:52) ●     Experiences at other universities (23:50) ●     How can we get coaches involved (25:00) ●     How lonliness factors into hazing (26:30) ●     Conclusion (28:00) Transcript:   Kristina Supler: Welcome back to Real Talk with Susan Stone and Christina Supler. We are full-time moms and attorneys bringing our student defense legal practice to life with real, candid conversations. Susan Stone: Today's podcast is going to tackle the issue of hazing and what a lot of you out there may not know is that Christina and I have looked at hazing from many different perspectives in our career. We have defended accused of hazing. We've actually been asked to help a Greek organization against accusations of hazing. And we have represented victims of hazing. So we have a real 360, don't Christina? Kristina Supler: We do and we're, as our listeners may know, we're located in Ohio, but we handle cases across the country. And what's interesting is that Ohio has been a real hotbed of this activity, though, of course, it happens in students across the country are dealing with these sorts of issues. So we're excited to jump into this topic today. Susan Stone: I really am too. And I am super excited about the guest we have. I feel very fortunate. I want all our listeners know before we give our name out that we reach out to him or her. And we just kept at it because I really wanted this guest on the podcast. So with that, why don't you do the intro? Kristina Supler: Sure. We are joined today by Hank Newer, who is a renowned anti-hazing journalist, author and scholar, known for his unwavering dedication to eradicating hazing culture. With over four decades of experience, he's authored many influential books. He maintains a comprehensive database of hazing deaths. And he continues to be a leading voice in raising awareness and advocating for prevention efforts in colleges and beyond. Welcome, Hank. We're so happy to have you with us today. Hank Newer: Thank you. I'm very pleased to be here. Susan Stone: And I got to add. We just learned Hank lives in Alaska. So we got a little northern exposure going on here. So I love it. But with Hank, let's kick it off. How did hazing become your career focus? Hank Newer: Not because I was hazed, but because I was at the University of Nevada, Reno. And we had a hazing death that was just off campus. But I had seen the initiation. At that time, hazing was rampant, not against the law in a lot of places. I had seen the initiation on campus. And then at a campus bar, I saw someone passed out at a pool table. He was foaming at the mouth. The organization was called the Sun Downers. And their alumni are some of the leading citizens in Nevada. The initiation consisted of making people drink ever clear. And they would throw a match at their lips. So a lot of people were-- Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. Hank Newer: Yeah, that was supposed to be funny. Kristina Supler: That's shocking. Hank Newer: It was. So the person that was foaming I got them to take him and walk him. But I think if I had called the police or so, they wouldn't have done it another time. And John Davies might still be alive. So they did it one more time. And they did this one, not in public. They went to an Indian reservation. And John Davies died, and another pledge was without oxygen for a while. And so I've done database reporting since the 70s. So I made a database of all the hazing deaths that were out there. And editor friend of mine put me in touch with Human Behavior Magazine. And so in the mid 70s, that first article came out. And I kept the database going ever since. Susan Stone: Wow. I can't even respond. Kristina Supler: I think your database is really an important resource. And tell us more about how you receive information and reports that you put into your database. And how do you verify the accuracy of this information? Hank Newer: It's actually time consuming. I also on the page have a long list of deaths that are not considered hazing deaths, but appeared in the press as deaths. Some of these, in particularly around 1900, were with sensational reporting. And I had to track them to find out if these really did occur. So mostly it's from media reports. But people get in touch all the time. If there's a death, the chances of me talking to the parents within two or three days are very good. They're going to be calling for information. And now I would say it's the most difficult part of doing this job. But it was a lot of time. And it was very expensive in the 70s. I had a pay for Lexus Nexus myself. I paid the New York Times for their database. And I started a list serve in the 80s. And people were sending in information on that list serve, which you still could find some places online. So I just kept that over and over. And the good thing about being so public, if people disagree or want to talk about it, it's all out there with full disclosure, where the information comes from. Kristina Supler: That's the purpose of the database. Hank Newer: Because in the set, as I said before, there were a lot of deaths that did not occur that were listed. People were taking any alcohol related death at all and calling it hazing. And so I was trying to break down the details as much as anything else. The next database I'll do will be all these sexual haze and cases involving athletes. And I hope to have that done next year. Susan Stone I'm sure you're thinking about that because of the Yates versus Northwestern case, am I correct? Hank Newer: You have a lot of phone calls about that. Kristina Supler: And we're seeing a real rise in those sorts of cases in our practice that we handle the issue from all different angles. So I think that's really important work you're doing. Susan Stone: I applaud you. What I want to know in your work because we address this, so I'm going to ask you a very selfish question, because I want to know the answer. But I'm sure Christina does too. So much of hazing is shrouded in secrecy and the members of hazing protect each other. What's the best way for a person who's a victim of hazing to gather the evidence to expose what's going on, especially in a culture of silence? Hank Newer: The way I try to do things is I go to the alums, people who've graduated a year or two earlier. And that's very, very quickly after a death when I'm doing a story. Talking to the alums, yes, some of them will close, you know, shut the phone on you, but others will talk about it. And it's a good way of getting into the middle. I try to talk to the advisors and get information from them. And if you just talk to people on campus, hazing isn't as shrouded in secrecy as you think. People are going to be talking to their significant others. So it's not the secret that fraternity members would like to think that it is. Susan Stone: For sports organizations, correct? Hank Newer: Yeah, for sport, well, one of the big problems is they don't consider it as hazing Kristina Supler: No, we know. We got it. We got it. I just wanted to comment that I think it's also important to point out, and I'd like to hear more of your thoughts. I think often hazing is sort of conceptually conceived of as just happening among young men in fraternities. And in fact, it spans across all student organizations, entities, athletic teams, military groups. And it's also not exclusively a male issue. I mean, Susan and I have plenty of case experiences involving female athletes in hazing. Can you talk a little bit more about what you're seeing in the breakdown? And is there any rise in female hazing in your research? Susan Stone: Generally, what are the trends? Hank Newer: Yeah, I don't really see a rise. I think it's consistent. We've not had a death this year or last year, but we've had so many close calls. So people would like to think that we have a trend of deaths ending. We don't. The people were lucky. Maybe what's happening is they're quicker to call 911 and not to just drop somebody off at the hospital where a few deaths have happened. Susan Stone: Or leave them at the foot of the stairs like at Penn State? Hank Newer: Yeah. Well, that-- he was just left alone there. But several times, members have gotten frightened and taken somebody to the hospital and just dropped them off at the emergency. And it's too late at that particular point. From what I saw in the one case, people went from standing up to being dead drunk and just short amount of time. So they're talking, talking, talking, and then suddenly, it hits them. That case of foaming at the mouth was the most dramatic that I've ever seen. Kristina Supler: I can't imagine. I just can't imagine what that must have been like and how that experience has obviously stayed with you. Hank, I'm curious. I'd like to hear your thoughts on whether you think schools should abolish Greek life fraternity sororities? Or do you think that there's value in these organizations? Hank Newer: With certainty, abolish pledging. Not abolish Greek life. I taught 18 years of Franklin College. We didn't have any incidents. I was the advisor to the honor society there, which is male and female. And we had positive initiations that could not in any way shape or form be considered hazing. And the students brought their parents or grandparents to the ceremony. But for me, it's like a mathematical equation, pledging, becomes hazing as pledging becomes hazing. In terms of sports, get rid of the word rookie and stop this dominant subordinate culture that we have out there. And the other is a lot of the coaches will either turn their heads or say, don't take it too far. And that is very, very common. Now, it's very, very dangerous for coaches to do that. If you say, don't take it too far, and you're allowing it. And if alcohol is involved, it is going to go too far. Susan Stone: Hank, just to kind of turn the question and turn the dial a little differently, there are the extreme cases of alcohol. The one you described you witness is horrific. And we've also worked on some pretty scary cases. But I have to say, we've also worked on cases where activities were labeled as hazing and taken as this serious infraction. I don't know. I didn't think it was so serious. I want to give you an example and get your response. We worked on a case where there was a pledging and when the pledges went active, there was a champagne shower. Like they do after car racing. Kristina Supler:  Yeah, it celebrates. Susan Stone: That was investigated for being hazing. I don't think that's hazing. What do you think? Hank Newer: I broke it out out into criminal hazing and non-criminal hazing. Certainly, with something that you're describing, I would have never gotten into this kind of thing. The hazing that I had as a fraternity member was being dropped off in the country. We knew about it ahead of time and had money to call friends. So when you look at it that way, you don't think it's so bad. But then you look at Grove City College in Pennsylvania. Four pledges were killed and aligned as they were walking. And actually, alcohol wasn't involved for them when they were in the middle of nowhere. So the problem is that what would look like innocent fun, sometimes things go wrong. In that case, it's a hard line between what's hazing and what's an accident. And in talking to fraternity advisors, you can't punish the same way. You can't punish somebody for having a pledge pen, the same way that you would for having them drink a handle of alcohol. But in some cases, hazing is hazing, and it's punished that way. It doesn't make any sense at all. Susan Stone: So how do you define hazing? Hank Newer: And hazing to me would be any activity that's silly, dangerous, or repulsive, that's done to newcomers by veterans in order to bring them into the organization. Susan Stone: Why silly? Kristina Supler:  Is it because you think it's humiliating and embarrassing? Hank Newer: We're talking about the things that you said were not so bad. Like for me, I think it says something about male attitudes toward women when baseball players make each other dress up and go on to play in women's clothing or so on. But what about singing a song? Singing your fight song?  That was in the movie, Paper Lion. Alex Karris was in that particular movie. George Plympton, who I interviewed about it, was pretending to be a player, a quarterback on the Detroit Lions, and he brought out a lot of that. So that kind of culture is still there. The only problem is, and there's no real study on it, our people going to take it farther if you have this kind of dominance. Somehow it got into from singing to tying people up to a goal post. And these are big, burly guys fighting back in people have been injured. Or hockey, it's gotten sexualized as you probably have seen in your research. Susan Stone: We have.
More Recent Harassment Claims and the Impact on Students Going Forward
13-09-2023
More Recent Harassment Claims and the Impact on Students Going Forward
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Carly Boyd, a domestic relations attorney.  In this episode, they talk about the effects of a recent Department of Justice Investigation at Case Western Reserve University will have on student life.  They discuss the biggest misperceptions students have around Title IX issues, why students don't report harassment cases in both Greek organizations and Sports Teams, and what triggers most harassment cases. Show Notes: (04:31)  Biggest Misperceptions Students Have with TitleIX and Other Issues (05:28)  The Reaction to the DOJ Sexual Conduct Investigation at Case University (08:41)  Why More Students Don’t Come Forward (11:32)  Why Athletes Don’t Report Harassment (14:08)  What Lies at the Heart of Most Harassment Claims (15:32)  Is Bystander Intervention Training Effective? (16:46)  Carly’s Advice for Students this New Academic Year Transcript: Susan Stone: So Kristina, last week we just received a copy of the resolution agreement between the federal government and Case Western Reserve University. And for our listeners out there, Case is right in our backyard. It's where I went to law school. And apparently the Department of Justice conducted an investigation of the university's response to reports of claims by student on student and employee on student sexual harassment between the years of 2017 and 18, 20 and 21. So right smack in the pandemic. There were a lot of interviews were conducted with a whole host of administrators. And in particular, I couldn't help but notice there was a lot of interviews and roundtables that were facilitated with Interfraternity Council and the Women's Health Center and a lot of Greek organizations. Kristina Supler: Yeah, it was really interesting report to read, Susan. And I was surprised to see the report come out. I think a real upside to this is that Case is committed to strengthening its strength. It's training in response to programs associated with reports of sexual assault or harassment.  Susan Stone: Exactly, because the Case is actually rolling out it's a whole entire program called It's on CWRU, which is a violence prevention campaign. And it'll be interesting to see how that impacts Greek culture and hazing in general.  Kristina Supler: There's a lot of new obligations in that resolution agreement that the university is committed to. But also that fall on members of Greek life and,for example, sororities and fraternities have to disclose to the chapter when there's internal investigations of sexual misconduct. There's new operating protocols. And I'm really curious to hear more about how this is going to play out on campus, day to day realities. Susan Stone: We are so lucky because our very own Carly Boyd, our partner, might have some inside scoop.  Kristina Supler: Welcome Carly. We're pleased to be joined by Carly Boyd. She's a skilled domestic relations attorney who has been working in that field for over a decade and she's in the firms here at KJK family law practice group. And Carly, you might be thinking, why are you having a domestic relations attorney on this podcast. But Carly is actually a former advisor to the Alpha Gamma Delta sorority at Case Western Reserve.  And so she's here today to just talk with us about this resolution agreement and looking to the future, what it means for Greek life. So welcome, Carly.  Carly Boyd: Welcome, Ladies. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here and talk about this.  Susan Stone: Yeah. Carly, just tell us to start, what do you do or what did you do? Because I know you just stepped down in July for, and can I call the Alpha Gamma Delta the Alpha Gams? Is that correct?  Carly Boyd: Yeah, that's Okay. I was their chapter wellness advisor from 2018 to just this past summer. Case Western just added Alpha Gam in 2018. It was a new chapter for them, which was really exciting. Just, like Susan and I went to Case Western for law school and I was really excited to combine my passion for Alpha Gam at Case.  And so in a sorority and a fraternity, they have a main chapter advisor. And then there was a bunch of different ones to help with the different directors. So I was there to assist with the director as they needed me. The chapter wellness kind of focuses on membership on activities and really just being there for retention of members was where I was at. They didn't need me all the time, but there was issues I could be there as a guidance and as a true advisor for them. Kristina Supler: So you were really, in the trenches having contact with the students. I'm curious to hear, Carly, based on your experience working with the students, what do you see as the biggest, misperception or misunderstanding among students about issues like Title IX or maybe hazing and other student conduct issues? Carly Boyd: Yeah, I think, when it comes to the Greek life and the misperceptions and what people think of, it's all bad. It's all hazing, and it's all drinking. It's all, Just horrible stories that come out of the Greek life. And I think there's a balance between there's a really good of Greek life, benefits. When it comes to Title IX, I think people mainly look to like men and women's sports or inequality in that way. I don't know if people outside of your practice, understand the larger implications of what Title IX means on a campus and that it goes down into sexual harassment and misconduct and on those deeper levels. when I was thinking about this, I do believe just the idea of a Title IX investigation, do people understand how. What that really means in a detail of what they were looking into.  Susan Stone: When you read the resolution agreement, what are your impressions? Carly Boyd: I'm surprised that these things weren't happening already. It was my first thought. Really? I just, I think of this day and age of just trainings and so many things that we have to do as professionals. That I'm surprised that just certain annual trainings and reports weren't happening already. And I do believe that my experience with my chapters, they were doing those things that were very on top of providing resources, mandatory trainings. And so maybe I was just surprised that wasn't on a higher level happening at the university. I'm glad  Susan Stone: to see that. We don't know. I happen to believe that it probably was happening. But we don't know all the backstory. We're only looking at the resolution agreement.  Kristina Supler: Yeah, Carly, I'm interested to hear, since you seem to have some surprise when you read this, in some ways this is a whole bunch of nothing. Shouldn't, wasn't this already going on? What do you see realistically to be in terms of likely impact on Greek life, starting this academic year?  Carly Boyd: I hope there's a big impact and implication and how people feel in the Greek community. I hope they feel protected and heard through all these things. I don't know if there'll be a change in the actual work that needs to be done. If they were already doing their local chapters, we're already requiring annual trainings. The Navy doesn't change their day today. For, my chapter, you had to do certain trainings for the whole chapter to be in good standing and you had a report in it. And that's been like that for years internationally. Isn't that? Wasn't just a case Western thing. So I would hope that on a day today. The chapters are used to when you get new members, you educate them, you're doing these regular trainings. If they weren't, I'm looking forward to seeing how that could be implemented and that it's a positive effect in the community. Just because you do these trainings, though, are the members actually feeling like they're doing something good? Just because we all do these trainings and everyone has to go through it to check a box. Are people actually going and hearing it and feeling protected and safe because of those trainings. And so that's what I look forward to seeing is what is the impact of these trainings.  Susan Stone: From our perspective, and Kristina, correct me if you're wrong, we want there to be a culture of reporting. We want, yeah, We want students to come forward. I don't know, Carly, if you've had a chance to look at the complaint against Northwestern and what was going on with the team there, the football team, I believe. Kristina Supler: And swimming. And it's. As they're digging deeper, far wider spread than initially suspected, and according to the news, right?  Susan Stone: And it's not just sexual assault. It's bullying. It's harassment of every kind. And as attorneys who represent students, we want to hear from those parents. We want to hear from those students. We want to be proactive. So we're hoping that more resolution agreements that lead to more training will lead to a culture of people feeling more comfortable to come forward. What are your thoughts on that? I Carly Boyd: think that's great. If people can come forward, But I think it's if I come forward, what's, what do people do with that information? If I don't believe a university or a team or Greek life will actually do anything with my complaint, why am I going to come forward?  And I think that's the biggest part is, I think the negative view of Greek life is this hazing aspect. You have to be tough, you're hazed, that's just normal. Maybe your parents were in Greek life, your dad went through it, so you just deal with it because that's the culture. And I think that's the dangerous part of Greek life, is if I say something am I going to be looked at as weak or am I going to be kicked out? Am I going to be isolated? And maybe I'm at a different college, I'm out of state. I don't know anybody. And this was going to be my community. If I speak up what happens, especially if no one listens. So I'd love, the resolutions, I like the transparency. I like that people can report. But then looking to the institutions to actually act on what's being reported and doing it right,  Kristina Supler: Carly. You've just made me think about. there's a portion of the resolution agreement with Case that specifically is focused on Greek life. However, you were a collegiate athlete as well, weren't you?  Carly Boyd: I was supposed to be but my sister was. At a Big Ten school as well. So I went to a Big Ten school and I was about to be and I backed out at the last  Kristina Supler: minute. Well, you're still qualified to answer my question or share some thoughts. So I'm curious, and Susan, feel free to chime in as well.  Susan Stone: Do I ever not chime in? True. Very true. come on. Are we, is this not real talk?  Kristina Supler: It's real. It's real. For better and for worse, right? But I'm curious that this notion of training and bystander intervention and having students feel free to Terrific question. Come forward and report when they see something that isn't right.  Do you think there's really any difference between how sports teams handle these issues versus Greek life? Is there you know at the core some cultural differences between the different environments? Or do you think it's the same foundational issues in terms of helping students understand what resources are available and how they can participate in a process if they choose to.  Susan Stone: That's so deep. Because basically, are you asking, is it the type of organization or is it just changing group think in general?  Kristina Supler: Exactly, because I'm thinking, what's the difference between a sports team and a fraternity or sorority if it's You know, there are obviously many differences, but in terms of these types of issues, what are your thoughts, Carly? Like a band.  Susan Stone: Does it really matter? Are we always picking on one type of organization for this? Or is it endemic to certain types of groups? I don't know. This is deep. Carly Boyd: I think it is. I'll go back to the sports versus their Greek life. I think sports has such a different environment because if you speak up, are you now going to be the starting position in your college team? Yeah, you speak up. And if you're not starting, are you then not getting to the next level? Are you not going to  Kristina Supler: Fear from retaliation? Right?  Carly Boyd: I think that is a much. Worse fear in sports is that retaliation. There's another person there to take your position on the team or on the relay if you speak up. And how easy it is to know. Yes, you didn't practice as hard. There's no measuring that. And all of a sudden, why would I speak up Greek life? If you speak up, you might have social implications. You're going to remove yourself from that fraternity. And I use the term fraternity for both sorority and fraternity. But I don't think there's as much future implications there if you are removed from Greek life. And I think that's where sports teams are different. I think that's where they foster a lot more is because they have a lot more on the line. Maybe, they've trained their whole lives to be there. They want to make their parents proud. They have this persona. I think that's where it's such a different mentality. Kristina Supler: Interesting. Well, and sports teams are also inherently competitive, Whereas Greek life isn't supposed to be, in an ideal way.  Susan Stone: Correct. Well, it's the opposite. It's fostering community and a family relationship.  Carly Boyd: That's absolutely correct. And I think, I do think that sports teams have both of that. When I was going to college and I decided not to swim, I did turn to the sorority life for that family. I was going out of state to a college and I wanted someplace where I could belong and meet people. But it is less competitive. I think there's a lot, there's a different, there's a different, that fear of retaliation, you are correct in how to look at that. I still  Susan Stone: wonder if at the heart of most claims is the root is drinking. The sexual assault, maybe even the bullying, feeling a little more comfortable to let certain words out of your mouth or treat someone in a different way that if you were sober, would you behave that way? From your work on the campus, how do you see? the drinking and the drug use. And do you agree with me that at the heart of it all roads lead to consumption?  Carly Boyd: I would imagine if you looked at the cases, where there's alcohol is a lot higher when there's not alcohol. And I think that's the hard part with Greek life is in Greek life, you have specific purposes of putting Fraternities and sororities at a social event, right? That's a very specific thing you do each fall, each weekend. And then there's alcohol at these events. So you're already putting yourself in a position of alcohol and partying. I believe if it's all done correct, it can be monitored and done right. But again, it goes back to, are people going to actually follow that? So you can have as many policies as you want as to managing alcohol, monitoring it. I don't see it as an issue necessarily. But I also wasn't there to see it on that level. I'll put that out there. So I was as an advisor knew what we approved what they came to us about. That was our role. And that's what we handled. if it's done right, you're get you're having sober monitors. You're having sober drivers. You're there was rules to prevent anything that goes wrong. Because I do believe it's around alcohol.  Kristina Supler: In your experience, Carly, how effective is bystander intervention training? Do you see students really taking that training to heart and implementing it? Carly Boyd: When it comes to bystander intervention training, I don't have as much knowledge on that and what is happening with that on campus or what maybe, if it's happening, I'm not realizing that's what it's called, I'll say. So what is, to you guys in your experience, what is a bystander intervention training specifically? Susan Stone: Teaching people to intervene if they see a buddy who's drunk, making sure that the person gets home safely, reporting if you see something happening that's concerning to  Carly Boyd: you. I think those are very important trainings, because I think, I was thinking about this, these are still college students that are young. They all come to college with different experiences and backgrounds. And they may not have the tools. They may not have never drank before. They've never been in those situations to have those training, at least planted in their mind of what they would do when they see it. And I think having more of those trainings and exposing people to those methods is beneficial to everybody. Kristina Supler: I would agree. I guess as a parting, note, Carly, what would you, for our student listeners out there, what would you like them to know or hear going into, being at the beginning of this school year?  Carly Boyd: I think it's important for the students to know that people do care. These resolutions are put into place to protect their students and that people are listening and they have heard and that there is, people looking out for them. They want to know if there are issues. They want them to be safe and that you can be a college student, you can be in the Greek life and enjoy it and not feel pressure or feel unsafe.  Susan Stone: One of the many joys of being a partner at KJK and working with attorneys like you, Carly, is that you mix your professional experience working with families and your personal life, working with people, volunteering, hoping that there are better relationships, because really that's what you are. You build relationships and when they're ending, you make sure that they end in what I would call a respectful way.  So thank you, and thank you for being on our podcast and enjoying a little student athlete defense time. Kristina Supler: Thanks Carly. Thanks for having me.
Advice and Tips for Parents: Helping Kids Navigate Drugs and Alcohol on Campus
30-08-2023
Advice and Tips for Parents: Helping Kids Navigate Drugs and Alcohol on Campus
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler talk about when and how parents should talk to their college bound kids about drugs and alcohol, practical advice about drugs on campus, and tips on how parents can better monitor their child’s academics while on campus. Show Notes: (01:15)  When should parents talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol (03:57)  Tips to help parents have conversations with their kids about drugs and alcohol (04:31)  Borrowing another students medication and Fentanyl (05:11)  Dangers of mixing alcohol with medication (07:05)  Do you know the campus culture your student is going to be in? (08:34)  How to tell if your child is doing well in their classes (09:06)  Why parents need to get a FERPA (10:27)  Is your child a good fit for college?  Are they ready for college? (12:02)  The Red Zone:  Is your child at risk? Transcript: Susan Stone: I love having guests and actually I do too. I know I love talking to our guests. But sometimes I feel like our listeners miss out on what makes us. And that's just the two of us talking to other.  Kristina Supler: I have fun talking to you. And I think that we often,We have such different and unique life experiences and together I think we just have, interesting insights. Susan Stone: So you ready to talk? Let's talk. Okay. What are we talking about? I wanna talk about school starting. Kids are going off to college. Let's have a real conversation. What parents should say to their students about drugs and alcohol.  Kristina Supler: Let's. I think it's a good time of year for us to have this conversation because families are busy planning for the future. And sometimes that's when you just overlook these sort of foundational building block conversations with your kids. Susan Stone: I think the best place to start is really being honest with yourself where your student is with regard to their relationship with drugs and alcohol in high school. So for example, some kids, and I don't wanna label them, but some kids are not using drugs or drinking alcohol. They're just not.  Kristina Supler: Oh, absolutely. I think sometimes when there's discussion about these issues, it's easy to paint with a broad brush and say all high schoolers are partying and drinking and using drugs and having sex and engaging in everything over the top. But that's not always true.  Susan Stone: That's not true. So for those students, there's gotta be one conversation about, look, you're going to college, you're obviously gonna be exposed to this. You probably have already made choices that are good choices. Keep up the good work.  Kristina Supler: This makes me think also about being realistic. We say this a lot, but it's true. Be realistic about who your child is for better and for worse. In terms of how likely are they to succumb to peer pressure? Are they, is your child of the personality type of like more is always better? Or do you have a child who's more reserved and maybe shy and unlikely to jump into social situations.  Susan Stone: And anybody can be in a social situation and decide to make a choice to have a drink or experiment with something. I, and again, I hate the idea of labeling students, but anybody at any time can make a choice that doesn't turn out to end well.  Kristina Supler: I'm imagining some of our listeners saying, okay ladies, sure. You are assuming that parents have accurate insight into, how their children behave socially and maybe not all parents do, right? I agree. Agree. I mean, I, I,I think it would be, it would actually be foolish for us to assume that we know everything our own kids are doing. But I think you still know fundamentally who your child is in terms of tolerance  Susan Stone: and things like that. I agree. And I've also heard stories of students who were big partier in high school, got to college and really grew up and buckled down. So the reverse can be true. Just because you have a big partier in high school does not mean you're gonna have a partier in college. And just because you have a kid who doesn't party in high school doesn't mean that they're gonna stay that way in college. So I think the conversations must be had. So let's just highlight some of our favorite tips for parents.  Kristina Supler: I think. first of all, when talking to your kids about drugs and alcohol in college, it's just important to have a conversation about how there's more danger out there. And not to be fatalistic about what's out there in the world. But in this day and age, things are being recorded. The danger of drugs, it's so much more intense than it ever used to be.  Susan Stone: I'll give you an example. Fentanyl. Yeah, that was not a problem when I went to college. Did that in, was that on your campus?  Kristina Supler: No. Oh gosh, no. No.  Susan Stone: So we do know that there, every year there are students who borrow a Friend's a. A D H D medicine, for example, and the Adderall. The Adderall. And it's laced with fentanyl. It's really important to talk to your students that you are never, ever to use anybody's prescription drugs. If they need a prescription drug, they have to see a doctor and get their own prescription drug. That to me, is a rule that you just have to pound in your student's head. Please don't ever borrow anybody's drugs.  Kristina Supler: I'm also thinking about, we've had so many cases where, the students involved were experiencing some form of depression or anxiety and just navigating mental health issues. And in this day and age, it's fairly well known, but you can't assume everyone knows, mixing those prescription medications with alcohol can have really dangerous consequences.  Susan Stone: including feeling more depressed. Because alcohol is a depressant. So I think it's very important if you know your student is on various medications, to maybe even have a conversation with your student's doctor and get the facts straight. What will happen? Does it reduce the effectiveness of the medication? Does it increase depression? Education is the key there and a conversation about it is the key. Can we just talk about binge drinking now? That was around when I went to college.  Kristina Supler: Yes, indeed. Changed there and it sure is still here to stay, unfortunately. But I think that,with binge drinking, again, this idea of the hookup and everything that happens when students quote unquote party. We're just in a different day and age now. And some of that, I think there's many students out there who recognize that, but there's also many who don't.  Susan Stone: I'll tell you the difference that is new. I don't remember people planning on drinking so much that they became blackout or brownout drunk. That language of being blackout, brownout, gray out, that was not part of my college language.  Kristina Supler: When I was in school. I mean, I definitely had friends who talked about oh, I was so blacked out last night. But I don't remember anyone. going out with the goal of becoming blacked out. I, that's definitely, I don't know, I guess something that's quote unquote newer. I don't know. It's certainly not anything I experienced in college. The other thing that I'm thinking about though, as we're having this discussion is just the importance of being aware of the campus culture for the school where your child picked up. I agree. not all schools are alike.  Susan Stone: Some schools are big drug schools. Some schools are big drinking schools. Some schools don't have the same level of party atmosphere. And by the way, you can send your kid to the biggest party school. But that doesn't mean that they're gonna have that kind of friend group too.  Kristina Supler: Absolutely. Because if you think about it, also, many of the schools where, perhaps they're in cities, but not even necessarily if there's just more access to interesting things in the community. There's more for students to do other than party. I Susan Stone: agree. They're busier. There's more cultural outlets, more athletic outlets, more restaurants. I know as I'm looking at schools for my rising senior. It's very important for her to be in a city where there's great food. She's quite the foodie.  Kristina Supler: Amen.  Susan Stone: So let's talk about school.  Kristina Supler: academic consequences, right? Yeah.  Susan Stone: And the red flags for parents. You send Johnny, or Janie, or Barry, whatever name you have for your kid off to school. How do you know if they're drinking too much? You're not there.  Kristina Supler: Yeah. That's such a. You're right, you're not there, so you don't know. But I still think that as parents, I mean it with mothers or fathers in your gut, you know your kid. And we often have that sense, could something be off? So if you're calling your kid, texting your child and you're just not hearing back until you 2, 2, 3, you're asking them how's your economics class? And they don't really have anything terribly substantive to say. You think, gee, are you really going to class? What's going on here?  Susan Stone: Look at the grades.  Kristina Supler: Oh, that. I think one of the most important things that we should encourage our listeners out there to be on top of parents of college students, make sure you get assigned FERPA release. Otherwise you can wear your little heart out, call the school a gazillion times. You're not gonna get any information.  Susan Stone: And you still won't get information. Remember, this is college. So we do every year have parents who call us and say, why didn't the RA tell me that my student is drinking too much? That call is not gonna happen. Kristina Supler: Those are some of the, I think most difficult calls we get is they cry for help from parents after sometimes it's too late. And the anxiety and the anger, like, how could no one tell me? And we have to be the cold callous lawyers and say, legally, the school wasn't required to tell you anything. And every year we get so many of those phone calls. It's,  Susan Stone: it's hard.  that being said, If you need to make an executive decision. And you find that your student is not hitting the ground running, and the drinking and the partying are really getting in the way of success, it's okay to pull a withdrawal and say you're not there for the right reason. Get your head together. Come home. Maybe get therapy. And we'll evaluate whether you're at the right school or whether you're really ready.  Kristina Supler: Yeah, and it's Plans change, right? just thinking about the future and our hopes and dreams for our children. Again, so many people say, oh, such and such university was my dream school. If you're not going to class, if you're drinking too much, whatever the circumstance may be, if those things are happening, maybe it's not the right place for you. And it's okay to withdraw from school to transfer, to take some time off. you don't. There's nothing wrong with, thinking about maybe a leave of absence for a semester. Those are all important things for families to keep in mind.  Susan Stone: I do want parents out there to be aware of the withdrawal deadlines.  Kristina Supler: Oh, yeah. Good point. Let's talk about this more. Because every school can have different deadlines, and once the deadline's passed, It's passed.  Susan Stone: Right? So what that more specifically means if you can withdraw before a deadline, you don't have a failing grade on the transcript or an incomplete, you just have a withdrawal. The first couple weeks of college are the toughest for any student. And we all know that homesickness comes in. I say it takes until Thanksgiving break before you really know if something's a good fit. But, just do a little more check-in. Not too much. But do a little, be a little more on top of things as parents.  I would say. September, October, which also coincides with our Red Zone Talk. Hmm.why don't you tell, remind our readers, I know we and our listeners out there what a Red Zone is.  Kristina Supler: Sure. So the red zone is a hot topic of controversy. Is it a real thing? Is it not a real thing. But broadly speaking it, refers to periods of time on college campuses, colleges and universities, even high schools, where reports of sexual assaults increase.  And so students all the way around are just at greater risk for having to navigate, behaviors that could lead to the Title IX office.  Susan Stone: Our hope, to all of our parents out there and their students is they prepare and they're packing up for college, is that everybody has a safe experience, a healthy experience, and a happy experience. Because college is a great growing time. But if there's a bump on the road, pay attention to your campus resources.  Kristina Supler: It's really important that parents and students alike understand what resources are available through a college and university, and then also in the community where the school is located. Because, let's face it, some schools have more readily available resources than others. But students need to know where they can turn to for help, in any type of situation.  Susan Stone: And just like ET phone home. There's gotta be that conversation if something goes wrong, just feel that you can keep the lines of communication open with your student. I like this talk. This was a good way to help our listeners kick their students out of the nest.  Kristina Supler: Food for thought. Until next time,
How Grief Recovery Impacts Our Mental and Physical Health
16-08-2023
How Grief Recovery Impacts Our Mental and Physical Health
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Samantha Pierce, CEO of Renegade Soul.  In this episode, they talk about topics relating to health and fitness.  They discuss why physical fitness is mroe than just lifting weights, how grief recovery impacts our health and physical fitness, ways we can plant seeds to effect someone's trajectory change. Show Notes: (02:57) How Samantha is Much More than a Personal Trainer (04:11)  Sam’s Plan to Build Confidence (06:33)  Shut Negative Self-Talk Down (08:10)  What Age Should Kids Start Exercising (10:08)  What Parents can do to Get Their Kids Exercising (13:44)  Body Dysmorphia: What We Can Do (17:06)  When to Tell If You Should Cut Back on Indulgences (19:13)  Why We Numb Ourselves with Food, Alcohol, Sex, etc (20:56)  Why Numbing Doesn’t Work (21:58)  Grief Training:  Why We Numb Ourselves (25:20)  How Tragic Loss Changed Samantha’s Trajectory (28:11)  How Grief Recovery Impacts Our Health Physical Fitness (31:14)  Alarming Stats with Grief Recovery and Prison Populations (34:22)  How Anything Can Plant the Seeds of Trajectory Change (36:34)  Reframing How You View a Bad Situation Into Something Positive Transcript: Susan Stone: We are going to talk a little bit about exercise and wellness and the benefits that you might not think you're getting when you get up and go to the gym in the morning. And I know that. A lot of our podcast, Kristina, is dedicated to mental health as it pertains to our clients. And just that when you find yourself in crisis, you get stuck. You think it's gonna last forever, whatever you're going on.  Kristina Supler: And some, sometimes it lasts longer than others, but I think today we are here to talk about how to get unstuck or to use the phrase of our esteemed guest effectuate a trajectory change.  Susan Stone: You know, when we learned about that phrase, I sound like my 17 year old mic drop trajectory change. Yeah, we love that phrase. Oh my gosh, I wish I had coined it. Because no matter what's happening in your life, no matter how dark things seem, Until it's over, you can do a trajectory change. And I'm really excited about this guest because she's gonna teach everyone out there who's listening to this podcast how they can have a trajectory change no matter what the circumstances. So with that, Given Invi an intro.  Kristina Supler: Sure. So today we are pleased to be joined by Samantha Pierce, who is the C E O and founder of Renegade Soul. Sam is a master's level social worker, a certified personal trainer, and a grief recovery specialist. With her background in social work, she really brings a holistic approach to her personal training. Sam designed Renegade to take care of black women of childbearing age in particular, and today she works with child, clients from all different backgrounds, ages, shapes, and sizes. And I have to add, I'm pleased to note that I am one of Sam's Renegades.  Susan Stone: You are. You have joined the Renegade Supler.  Kristina Supler: So happy to have done so. So Sam, welcome to.  Samantha Pierce: Thank you. Thank you. It's such a pleasure to be here with you ladies.  Susan Stone: So Sam, you are so much more than about just squatting and pushups. You, isn't that the truth? You are about trajectory change. So could you tell everybody about how you are so much more than just a personal trainer in what you do and what you bring to those clients? It's really incredible. It is.  Samantha Pierce: It's a loaded question, really. When people ask me what do I do, I just look at them like, well, where do you want me to start? Okay. So personal training is what I wake up in the morning and head out the door to do. But when you said trajectory change, the reason that I say that is because your life trajectory is something that we often study in social work. Especially when you get a person in front of you and then you just can't look at the person in front of you. You gotta look at their past and their parents' past and all those different pasts that sets them on this trajectory. But we are actually really in control. So when I'm at the gym with personal client, with personal training clients, a lot of times they come to me because they wanna lose weight. Sure. Literally, they have no idea that I have a whole different plan for them, right? Yeah. You gonna drop this weight, but we gonna work on, we gonna work on that gut that you're trying to lose. We're gonna, build arms and muscles and legs and all of that. We are also gonna build confidence. are going to work on where you are in your soul spiritually. Like you, you just never know what you're gonna walk into in the gym. On at any given time, on any given day.  Susan Stone: How do you do that?  how do you I think that  Samantha Pierce: I'm very open as a person and the conversation. I'm never, I am never afraid of a conversation. So I don't veer away from any conversation. Someone says, Tim, I really need to ask you this. Go right ahead. Because I'm an open book. But I think that is just where my life trajectory has me. That I've gone through a lot of hard things in my life. And instead of being quiet about it, I'm very verbal about it. I'm very open about it. And I understand, it might be too soon to even say this, but I'm just gonna say it. I understand God's plan.  That a lot of times things happen, but it is not, to put you in a bad place, but it's to put the next person in a better place because, oh, you're ready to come and master this thing. You're getting ready to move this mountain. So that you can teach the next person how to move that mountain. And there are people that are just watching you and they don't even need you to teach them to move, how to move the mountain. They're watching you do it, and they're already motivated. So things happen for a reason and sometimes it has nothing to do with you. So when we talk about getting into the gym and being able to talk to different people about different things and putting them on. Programs that will not only change their body, but also change their mind. That comes very natural to me, especially as a, I'm a I, I call myself a recovering community organizer and a social worker, so that's what I am, and then I use all of that energy and personal training.  Susan Stone: Sometimes I go to the gym and I have all this internal negative talk. My thighs look like this. My stomach looks like that. I'm getting old. Do you ever have that internal negative self-talk?  Kristina Supler: Oh my gosh. Every day I.  Samantha Pierce: Every day. I think I, yeah,  Kristina Supler: it's and it's one of those things where you feel frustrated at times when you put in all this work or at least what you believe to be hard works 'cause it isn't always right. and don't see results. And then that affects your mind, your spirit and it can continue on through your day. So it's something I've been working on personally is how to, Hold onto those endorphins and feeling good when I leave the gym and carry that through my day and not get bogged down in negative self-talk. Samantha Pierce: in Renegade land you aren't even allowed to come in with negative self-talk. Nope.  Susan Stone: But how do you know Sam, if it's going on the inside?  Samantha Pierce: How do you check that?  Well, you know what, it comes, it always comes out. If you're thinking it, it comes out. if a client says, I can't do that, that's automatically self negative, self-taught. And so before a client even comes into the gym, when they sign up, I send a welcome email and I send this link to a video that I did about I am statements and how careful you have to be with your I Am statements. And Kristina, I don't know if you watched that video or not, but it talked about, how God referred to himself as I am. And so anything that you say after I am is invoking the power of God himself. And in fact, if you say something negative, you might be just using his name in va. So you gotta be careful what you say behind I am. Because when people say I can't do a thing, or I'm fat, or I feel fat, or my stomach is that, and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. We gonna re we gonna rephrase that altogether. So I am fat, meaning I am at the gym changing how I look because I want it to.  Kristina Supler: Love that I do too. Sam, let's roll it back to basics. As many of our audience listeners are parents who are raising children of all different ages. So at, for our parents out there who are listening who maybe have a child who seems to be a little stuck, particularly as we've gone through Covid these past couple years, what should parents know about the age at which children should begin exercising? Samantha Pierce: oh, that's easy. So exercising should begin. act actually exercising does begin at crawling. they're scooting, right? They're trying to move their bodies, trying to move their legs, move their hands a little bit. That's exercise. And as soon as they start walking, they take that first step and boom, they take off. You gotta chase them all around the house. 'cause now they know how to walk. I would say to cultivate that energy from that moment on, get them out into the park. They love that stuff. Anyway. They're gonna do whatever you wanna do anyway. And so I remember when my kids were younger that we would go into the mall when it's cold outside. So we are in Oh, wonderful. Weathered Cleveland. And so we get mostly cold weather and then three months of hot weather, right? So during the cold weather, we used to take our kids to the mall and we would just let them walk and just, that's just a way of moving your body a little bit. But there, it's never too soon to start your children on exercise. And exercise looks different for everybody and it doesn't have to be regimented like that. So when we think, oh, I gotta do my cardio, some people think, oh, I have to be on the treadmill, sweating my, my, my hair out in order to consider it as cardio. And it's no, not necessarily. you just have to undo. So Renegade needs to. to subside what you thought as societal norms is regular, right? So renegade is you have to forget everything you thought you knew, right? So everything you thought you knew isn't necessarily it. So when you think about your kids and exercise, just get them out there walking, moving. And then as you become, as they become older and you become more active, they will see what you are doing and they will automatically become more active.  Susan Stone: But how do you fight that teenager who just wants to stay in their room, play  Kristina Supler: video  Samantha Pierce: games? Yeah. I remind you, you're the parent. Oh yeah. Oh, Touche. Oh yeah. Say to them, you know what? Put the game up or you're gonna lose it for the month. We gonna go for this walk. And they're like, I don't wanna do that. You're the parent. Take it. Take that game away and make them go for that walk or wherever it is that you're trying to go. Susan Stone: not only are you a parent, and I love how you say you are the parent, but you are so in charge. When you're in the gym training, it's not just, like you say, get on that machine and. Do that leg lift, but you also have that I'm in charge. Go do it. And I think that really helps, don't you?  Kristina Supler: Oh, absolutely. I think that, something that's really important and wonderful about working with you, Sam, is this balance between. Go do it. But then also encouragement and positivity when there is a little like,no, it's no, go do it. You can do it. Which is refreshing and nice.  Samantha Pierce: Yeah, I wouldn't tell you to do it if I didn't think that you could do it's right. So here's the thing about that though, you have to have a certain level of confidence. And so you have to find as a parent what you're absolutely confident in. And so as a parent, I know for a fact that if I don't get my kid exercising, they're gonna grow up to be unhealthy. As a parent, I'm like, oh no, that's not gonna happen on my dime. You could do that on your dime, like when I'm long gone and you decide you're gonna sit on your butt for the rest of your life. I've already given you all that I can and I'm gone. But as long as I'm alive and you're under my care, then I am confident that if I tell you to do a certain thing, it is for your best interest and you're gonna get up and you're gonna do that. And it's the same way with dealing with clients. Kristina, grab those 20 pound weights and go lunch and you're looking like, what? And I'm like, yeah, I'm confident that you can make it down that aisle and back and that your legs are gonna be stronger and bigger because of it. So go do it. Like I said, it's the same thing as parenting you. You just gotta be confident in what you're telling them. Like when you give them that Tylenol, when they have that toothache, you know that Tylenol is gonna work. There's no question about it. You don't even leave room for, I don't wanna take the Tylenol. Nope. Take this Tylenol. You gotta have the same confidence when you're dealing with your kids and exercise. Susan Stone: How do you balance, because I know I struggle with this wanting to never, I grew up, Sam, I'm gonna share something with you where every girl I knew struggled with some level of body dysmorphia was. Either throwing up or starving themselves. And then I saw a positive shift of body positivity.  Kristina Supler: I was gonna say that those issues were still in my generation as well through high school and college. Everyone had some sort of issue going on.  Samantha Pierce: Right.  Susan Stone: So you wanna be potty body positive. But is there a point where you're also saying to someone, You don't wanna have that cookie and you do need to exercise. Like how do you balance those thoughts? And I know we've talked about this on prior podcast. And I'm bringing it up again, so it must be a real issue for me if I'm bringing it up again.  Samantha Pierce: So here, okay. I don't know if you've ever talked to a bodybuilder about this. has this conversation ever happened with a bodybuilder before? no, I have not had this conversation with therapist. Kristina Supler: Therapist. Okay. Or pediatrician. Or pediatrician. So Samantha Pierce: here it goes. We all suffer from body dysmorphia. Every last one of us. We all have something, especially as a, so what you didn't say is that I'm a bodybuilder and that I actually compete on stage. And let's just backtrack for two seconds and let you know that in itself is one of the hardest things that I've ever done in my entire life. And that is because every bit of body dysmorphia that I've ever had and is encompassed in that journey by itself. It is a 24 week journey to the stage, right? 24 weeks to get to the stage, and the body does so much in those 24 weeks. So we get to eat. Then we get to do all of this cardio, all of this lifting, and then all of a sudden we begin depletion and he starts cutting everything to expose the muscle, right? So when you are dealing with, how do you come away from the stage body? Because to get to the stage body, you have to do so many things that is not sustainable. So the stage body is not a sustainable body, no way, shape, or form. And I'm sure you've seen the pictures of all of the bodybuilders in the hallway. That is a body that we cannot maintain even if we wanted to because of how hard it's to get to there. That there is a point and the journey where we're literally eating about maybe 700 calories per day. I Susan Stone: can't imagine how I would think.  Samantha Pierce: Yeah. Yeah. I still don't know how I was thinking. But anyway, commitment and dedication, it gets to that point, and then you get, you hit the stage, it's lights, camera, action, and then boom, you're done. I don't know if you can think about how much of a a brain fart that could cause It's  Kristina Supler: whiplash. Yeah. All of a sudden you're done  Samantha Pierce: trying to balance, right? Do you run to Mitchell's to regular people? Regular people who struggle with a cookie? So I, and trust me, we get donuts every Wednesday in my house for the kids. It's donut Wednesday. We go get donuts before school and everybody eats donuts every Wednesday except for when I'm on prep. And so when it comes down to what the discipline is that is necessary to maintain, what I tell my clients is, when you're beginning a journey, you need to do what you regularly do, and then as the journey progresses, you start progressing. So I don't expect any client to come in and start training two to three times a week and then cut everything out of their diet. No, I tell them not to even change anything that they're eating. Let's get into the regimen of the workout first, and then as you progress and you want more, then you're willing to give up more. So then you're saying, eh, I plateaued. I'm gonna give up. I don't know, wine. Whoa. Those are Sam Wine. Kristina Supler: Sam, you struck a nerve. My gosh, Sam,  Samantha Pierce: anything but the wine.  Susan Stone: Okay. I'll fight you for my wine.  Kristina Supler: Okay.  Samantha Pierce: Wine and only have wine on the weekend. You're not gonna have wine every night. Maybe, oh, that got very personal. I had so many conversations with Susan where I'm like, it's real.  Kristina Supler: girl, you know you're not gonna cut the wine.  Samantha Pierce: But you never know. There may come a point in her fitness journey where she says, I can't get rid of this Pudge right here. And her trainer might say, give up wine for seven days and take a picture every single day, and then see what happens with your pictures and if you see a difference. And then at the end of seven days she'll say, wow, there's a huge difference here. That's a lot of sugar. And she might say, I'm not gonna drink any more wine, I'm gonna switch to vodka. True story. That is exactly what happened to me. So anyway, so the journey is the journey. But you have to be patient in any journey. Not just the fitness journey, but in any journey, you have to be patient and know that evolution is natural. You will evolve into the person that you need to be in order to do a certain thing. That is how God built us. So as you progress, you'll say to yourself, Kristina, one day you'll just come to me out of the blue and be like, This ain't working. And maybe I need a meal plan, and I'm gonna say, perfect. I've been waiting for you to say that. And then, because only when you say, I'm ready to make a change in this area, will you actually make the change in this area. And the meal plan may be something simple okay, what are you eating? Okay, let's do that every single day except cut this rice at the end of the night. Or, whatever the case may be. Something simple, but it. It's an evolution. And so the cookie that you struggle with is a matter of what do I want more? Do I want this cookie more? Do I want these abs? Because if what I really want is abs, then I, a cookie is nothing. I can say I forego that cookie. Let me see what my body does. If I don't do the, I already know what my body does when I eat the cookies. Lemme see what my body does when I don't.  Susan Stone: How does this mindset help college kids or kids of any age. Who suffer from anxiety and depression and wanna turn to alcohol or drugs  Kristina Supler: well or numbing out with food even, or  Susan Stone: numbing out with,  Samantha Pierce: we can numb out with just about anything. But can you numb out with exercise? You can actually, in grief recovery, I'm a grief recovery specialist. We call this, it's a disturb. Give me a second to pull this out of my brain. It is a temporary relief of of what you're feeling. I can't pull all of the S T E R b, I can't even pull it outta my brain right now, but it's a temporary relief of whatever it is that you're feeling and it comes out in many different ways. And exercise is one. Alcohol. Definitely one. Sex definitely one. There's so many different things that you can use as comfort, right? And so when you're talking about college age kids and, and high school age kids and anybody before and after, as a matter of fact, these behaviors are learned through just living. So they may have seen a parent do it that way. My parent comes home from a long day of work and what does he do? He grabs a beer. And so that's the behavior that we just learn, right? And what I would say when we are dealing with kids of any age and even adults our age, is that, sometimes it's, it is better to sit in the feeling and sometimes if uhoh, what did I, strike a nerve again, Susan. Susan Stone: Yeah, you struck a big nerve because I know that it is so hard. Just sit in the feeling. 'cause sometimes it just hurts. Feels yucky. Oh, it just hurts so bad. Yeah. It just gets you and you cry. But that's not bad is it?  Samantha Pierce: But it is hard to explain to children and young adults how bad it's gonna hurt when it comes back around. So you can numb this with alcohol, drugs, whatever, exercise, food, whatever it is that you're gonna numb that with. But when you, when the numbing subsides, you are going to feel it anyway. And it's hard to explain to children and young adults. It's easier to explain to an adult. I can say that to you and you say, oh dang. I hadn't thought about that. But kids, it, that's just not gonna sit with them. So a lot of times what they need is, we are talking about children and young adults. What they need is someone who can sit in it with them without the judgment. Now, are you a parent that's going to be able to sit with them? I'm a trainer that can sit with clients. So a really good example is a client comes in and she's in full blown tears. And you know her. She's I can leave if I need to. And I'm like, no, you here. You're here for a reason. Let's sit in this and, figure out what needs to happen next. And so a lot of times though, I do a lot of grief, not a lot. I do grief training, right? I have clients that come to me out of grief, and their training looks different. In fact, a lot of times their training is separate from everyone else because what they need is a quiet space where nobody's around and like a million wrecks of something that they can just say, okay, she told me to do a hundred squats. I'll never get through these a hundred squats, but at least now I have something to do. And distraction. and they just start moving, right? And I'm just standing there like this,just, waiting for them to do whatever it is. They might do 20 of them and then they'll turn around and say, was that a hundred girl? Yes, that was a hundred. Let's move on to the next thing you know, and that as long as you can move your body, Grief and pain and things like that, it just helps. And but I know that because I am a grief person, like I work in grief recovery. I, my specialty is child loss, parents and grief. So what I,  Susan Stone: What could be more painful? What could be more painful? Nothing.  Samantha Pierce: I'm sure there is some things that could be more painful, but I think it depends on who you're asking. Like I think that the child loss has been my greatest pain. But somebody else could say that rape has been their greatest pain. Okay. It just depends on, see, child loss can happen to, to two different people and it affects them differently. Sure. And that's not to negate abortion as child loss because that affects people differently too. People come from different backgrounds and what they view as the most painful thing they've ever experienced is going to differ from person to person. I  Susan Stone: remember I had two miscarriages. And I remember after both miscarriages, my mother saying to me, that's just God's way of making sure you only have a healthy child. And I remember thinking, that does not help. That was not helpful, mom. I know she meant to help. She meant well. But she missed. Missed the mark. She did mean well. But she missed the mark on that. 'cause I was grieving.  Samantha Pierce: Yes. And so your mom is of a different generation. And they don't know how to put that into a healthy place. And grief recovery, we talk about this all the time, spiritual truths that are just not helpful. And then people, people come to you and say, God gives, and God takes away. And it's I know. That don't help. Just like you just said that don't help, and that doesn't mean that God didn't want me to have a, an unhealthy baby because there are children out here with autism and children with other special needs that are born and that are good. So it's not like God was just trying to protect me from a thing. It's just, this just happened and now I have to deal with it. Yeah, I think different things hit people differently, and generationally speaking, we are differently equipped to deal with certain things.  Kristina Supler: Sam, I'd like to hear a little bit more about your grief recovery training. That's something I've never heard of before and I just think it's interesting 'cause it sounds and please tell me if I'm wrong, it is a combination of in many respects, meditation and exercise in a way.  Susan Stone: And this is great because I know you may not know this. Kristine and I both love yoga, so  Samantha Pierce: I think I did know that. Yeah. Love my yoga. I'm a yoga instructor. So grief recovery is, it now, after the twins, I have twins that passed away. They were born at 21.6 weeks, and they had no chance of living because they just didn't have lung function. And they each lived about an hour after they were born, and they were born on separate days. One came. And then we had to induce the other. Oh my gosh. And so after that, my husband and I went to tons of counseling. We saw, we saw a group,which was great. We went to phototherapy, we went to individual counseling. We did all kinds of different counseling. And it wasn't until during my work on a pregnancy and infant loss committee for the county that they brought in a grief recovery specialist. What they were doing was, and I did not know this, they threw me into this mix. But what they were doing was they were going to make everyone on the committee go through grief recovery method. And then they were gonna train us to become grief recovery specialists. So they signed us up for the Grief Recovery Group. And I went to it as an eight week group. This one in particular was an eight week group. And I was like, yeah, I'm here for child loss. yada, yada, yada. And when I got there, we were talking about all kind of other losses. We were talking about losses of teddy bears when I was six years old and what that did to me and what that meant, and loss of keys and job interviews and stuff like that. I'm sitting there, I'm confused, I'm just like, what? What are we doing here? And it was the most thorough, I actually called the, my, the chair of my committee, and I was like, I'm not doing this. This is not what I signed.  Kristina Supler: I think they put me, I'm in the wrong group. I belong in  Samantha Pierce: the group down the hall. Yeah. what are we doing? Like, why are we talking about all these different losses? And I'm tore up from the floor up, like I'm just gone. And she was like,no. This is accurate. You are okay. Just stay with the group. And so when I completed it, what I realized is that this was the most thorough grief class I have ever participated in. And it starts from childhood and then it takes you through a relationship. So what we say in grief recovery is that grief begins as soon as you come out the womb, right? You come out of that warm space, you are covered. You come out, it's cold, there are bright lights, you cry and some doctor slaps you on the butt. And this is your intro to life.  Susan Stone: How do you incorporate that knowledge in the Renegade Group you run?  Samantha Pierce: Oh, honey, I spot them. Actually, in fact, I've had several renegades go through, grief recovery method. I offer them a discount. I did a group of Renegades, but when, like for the example that I gave you a little while ago, the lady that came in absolute tears, I said, you need grief recovery and we're gonna start that next week. And I took her through the for one-on-one and seven weeks, the seven week program, and she was like, I didn't even realize I was dealing with all of this. Because a lot of times listen carefully to this. We did not talk about this before, so this was never in any of the prep questions, but a lot of times you get stuck a journey. Journey. And it's related to grief. It's not related to anything else.  So you think you're stuck because you wanna eat macaroni and cheese in a fitness journey. But the truth is, you're stuck because you've got this unresolved relationship of a person that is gone from your life, has been gone from your life for 20 years, and you're stuck in emotion that you didn't realize and that has got you not able to make other changes because this person loved macaroni and cheese, they always made it for me. And so I'm gonna eat it. It was my beloved mother. Whatever the case may be. And this is just a wild example. So this is not anything that has actually happened, but this macaroni and cheese is in your way of your ads. And so when we go through the grief recovery method, when we start talking about what different relationships affected you, and you start working through relationships for the unresolved things that happen and unsaid things that you never got to say before they left your life, whether it was from death or just Estrangement, it is, it just opens up a different world in your brain of being able to deal with other things because now you can see, oh, this was compounded with that and this, and I've never been able to deal with this particular situation, and so I've never been able to trust another person. With this part of me, you, it just opens you up to something totally different and a different piece. A different piece of healing that can occur.  Susan Stone: We, Kristina and I deal with sex issues every day. Every day we talk to college kids about sex. We help students on their journey dealing with either defending against an allegation of sexual assault and what that feels like to be accused, or people who have been have  Kristina Supler: experienced sexual violence. Susan Stone: And we talk every day about that. I'm wondering, and we're seeing a lot of. Violent behaviors in the college dorm room. And I'm wondering if grief ties into sex and in the way we have sex and the way we make love with each other. Do you have thoughts on that?  Samantha Pierce: I got a lot of thoughts on that. Let's back up. I saw a study, a long time ago that said that 60% and this number could be off. And I don't recall where I saw the statistics, but we probably can find this somewhere, but it was something like 60% of the prison population was heavy in grief. And can we just add, oh my gosh,  Susan Stone: that's  Samantha Pierce: amazing. We put every single person that's sitting in
Adoption: Understanding the Dynamic between Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and the Child
02-08-2023
Adoption: Understanding the Dynamic between Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents, and the Child
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Becca Gruenspan of RG Adoption Consulting.  In this episode, topics include the myths around adoption, how adoptive parents can improve their chances of a successful adoption, and the competing emotions between birth parents, adoptive parents, and the adopted child. Links: RG Adoption Consulting: https://rgadoptionconsulting.com/ Show Notes: (02:40)  How One Adoption Lead to a Purpose-Filled Mission (06:39)  Why Becca focuses on domestic adoptions (08:47)  Greatest Fear: Will the Birth Mother Show Up Again? (11:03)  Adoption Roadmap: the Proprietary Process to Help Adopting Parents (13:54)  Details Matter:  What is Important to the Birth Mother (15:16)  How RG Adoptive Consulting Helps Improve the Chances of Success (17:36)  What Some of the Difficult Obstacles are for Adoptive Parents (19:31)  Addiction:  How Babies Fare When Born Addicted to Drugs (21:26)  Competing Emotions:  What Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents Feel (24:43)  What Adoptive Children Struggle with Emotionally Transcript: Susan Stone: We're gonna talk about adoption today. And the reason we're gonna talk about adoption is that in our special education practice, we've represented a number of families of adopted kids, and the unique issues that children or students who are adopted had such as, attachment issues.  Kristina Supler: I'm really excited about today's episode. Because Susan Adoption's something that, you and I have no direct personal experience with. But it's an issue that comes up so often in our cases. And we regularly see the issues that adopted children's often experience in schools. And then the issues that the PA parents and families navigate through as well. Susan Stone: I agree. And at this point I think I've worked on close to 50 to a hundred cases where there has been a student with an issue that is direct, directly related to the fact of the adoption status. But again, by the time you come to our office, it's because there is a need or a crisis or an issue that needs to be worked out. I hate the fact that I never get to hear the success stories.  Kristina Supler: I know. I'm excited for today's guests to, to learn more about the adoption process, some of the challenges, but then also the good things and the success. Because you're right, Susan, we don't often hear about that so  Susan Stone: We never, I just wanna remind you, remember I always say we only get to see the dark side of life sometimes. It's great to see when things go swimmingly well.  Kristina Supler: With that, let's welcome our guest today. We are joined by Rebecca Gruenspan. And Becky is a single mom who herself has gone through open adoption. She founded RG Adoption Consulting shortly after adopting her son in 2011. And we're so happy to have you with us today. Susan Stone: And do you go by Becky, Rebecca.  Becca Gruenspan: Becca.  Susan Stone: Thank you. Okay,  Kristina Supler: Becca, tell us a little bit about your role as the Founder and CEO of RG Adoption Consulting. Becca Gruenspan: Thanks for having me today. I started my business, we're about to be celebrating our 10 year anniversary. Um, wow.  Susan Stone: A decade.  Becca Gruenspan: Yes, we're very excited. I started it two years after I adopted my son as a single woman, at the time who had gone through years of infertility and just really knew I was meant to be a mom. And I really wanted to be a mom. So I sought out first on the fertility path. And after that I failed, for lack of a better word. I thought about adoption. But it really scared me probably for all the reasons you said you don't hear the good side. I was scared 'cause that was all I knew to, as well as all the stories I put into my head about what it meant to have to, to adopt. And then I was put in touch with, and it was also very overwhelming having gone through so much loss already. And long story short, I was put in touch with an adoption consultant. And I was told that this consultant was gonna hold my hand, tell me what to do, and how to do it and where to go and what to read and what not to read. And I was like, okay, I could use an easy button I'm around about now. And nine months to the day that I first called my consultant, I had my son in my arms.  Susan Stone: So it was a great experience using a consultant. Correct?  Becca Gruenspan: It was. Interestingly, I was told because I was in my forties and single and Jewish, that it was gonna be really hard for me. But voila, nine months later, I adopted. So it was a very, great experience. Also scary. And I knew that, after I adopted my son, I wanted to help other people and I became this magnet to people who wanted to adopt. And I was very, passionate about the fact that they really needed help going through this. Because you don't know what you don't know. Sure. Long short, two years later, I became an a consultant myself. And I thought, gosh, I'm putting all this money into my consultant that I use Pocket. I think I can do this now. I. and so that's when I started my business.  Susan Stone: Kristina. I had the privilege of actually going to yoga and having dinner with Becca. And I learned that Becca's not alone in this venture. How many people work for your business?  Becca Gruenspan: Yeah, I think there, my team is seven or eight people right now. And we are all across the country. And we only work with the hopeful adoptive parent. We do not work with the birth mom or expectant mom. So that's really a distinct, a distinction between an adoption consultant and other entities such as a facilitator or an adoption agency. We are not.  Susan Stone: So you are hired by the potential parents. And I just for clarification purposes, you only work on domestic, not international adoptions. Am I Correct?  Becca Gruenspan: You are correct.  Kristina Supler: Tell us why. But what's the difference between the two. Or why did you choose to just focus on domestic?  Becca Gruenspan: I can't even talk to you that much about the difference between the two because there is a big difference. And so it's like you go down one path or the other, as well as like foster to adopt. That's a whole nother path as well. Each path has its own nuances, its own clearances, its own licensing. And it's done. Each is done very differently and is its own separate path, even though the end result is being an adoptive parent. So I didn't know anything much about, international. I know just enough about all three routes that I just mentioned to talk about the pros and cons of each. But not enough to really guide someone through those, those paths.  Susan Stone: Certainly if you chose domestic and that's what your business is focused on. Can you tell us what the benefits are of a domestic adoption?  Becca Gruenspan: Sure. I think the biggest benefit is the fact that most domestic adoptions now are open on some level. Now that automatically scares people. And people have all sorts of questions about, is that a good thing? Aren't you scared that your child is gonna want to go back? Is, aren't you scared that someone's gonna show up at your doorstep? And the fact of the matter is 20 years ago, most adoptions were closed. And what that does is create a sense of fantasy in a child's mind about where they came from and who they are instead of a reality and an openness about. Everybody wants to know who they are and where they came from, right? Your identity is such a huge part. It's everything, of who you are. And so by able, by being able to have an open adoption, you can know health history, you can have a relationship with the first mom or the birth mom and the birth dad. You can see what kind of life they have.  So a child is no longer needing to live in this fantasy world of where they came from, who they are, what other people look like them. There's so much good about a healthy, open adoption relationship. And that doesn't mean it doesn't come with some complications. Sometimes it does. And healthy boundaries need to be put in place. It's Cousins, right? Having, you don't, you're not best friends with all of your cousins in your extended family. But you learn how to live together and navigate the relationship. And some are great and super, super close. And some are a little bit more difficult and you have to, manage that. Kristina Supler: Well, it's interesting to hear you talk about the benefits of open adoption, but also the importance of boundaries. Because I know that sometimes, there's a fear. if we do an adult, an open adoption, the birth mom's gonna come back and haunt us or try to take the child back. Is  Susan Stone: Well Becca just mentioned it. People think they're gonna show up at the door.  Kristina Supler: How realistic, of course there's always extremes. But in general, is that. Just a myth that's taken hold? Or is it something that rarely happens or can you talk a little more about that?  Becca Gruenspan: It is absolutely a myth. It really, I don't. I don't even think I know one situation where that's happened. The laws  Kristina Supler: that's really a powerful piece of information there. Yeah. That you just shared with us.  Becca Gruenspan: The laws are in place to protect everyone really. And every state, and this is the confusing part, every state has its own set of laws around when a mother can terminate her rights, like at what point after birth can a mom terminate her rights as a parent. And at what point It's irrevocable. So every state has different laws. So for instance, we tend to work in states where an expectant mom can sign her rights away can terminate her parental rights between 24 to 72 hours and then it's irrevocable. You cannot change your mind by law. Unless you can prove that it, they were made to sign under duress or fraud. Susan Stone: You mean 22 to 72 hours? I wanna clarify after birth.  Becca Gruenspan: I'm sorry, ask me that again.  Susan Stone: You said 22 4 to 72 hours, but you, I just wanna clarify for our listeners. You mean after the birth of the child?  Becca Gruenspan: After the birth of the child. Now that's just some states. Every state has different laws about the length of time you have to wait. Some they can sign right away. But then they have 30 days to change their mind. That's scary for an expectant, for an adoptive parent. That's also nerve wracking, I would think, for a birth mom who just gave birth, who had already kind of worked through all of this. Hopefully they were getting good options, counseling and went through all the things to make sure that the, this decision was the right decision for them.  But again, every state has their own laws and we tend to work in the ones that are more compact.  Susan Stone: So does your business focus on the potential parent that wants to adopt until what point? Do you take them through when the baby gets in their hands? Or are you there to provide support and services throughout the life of the adoption, the childhood.  Becca Gruenspan: Great question, and this is I think, what differentiates maybe RG Adoption Consulting from other consultants. So we have a four step proprietary process called the Adoption Roadmap.  Kristina Supler: Very, tell us about the roadmap. Becca Gruenspan: Yeah, take a second. The adoption roadmap has four different steps to it. So we work with to, to answer your question simply, we work with people from the very, very beginning. I wanna start the process and I don't know how. All the way their contract ends once they bring their baby home. However, we work with our families for a lifetime. So the four steps are this: one is we educate people about adoption. So we want people to understand what the process is going to look like before they start it. So that there's not any real surprises as they're going through the process and then we help them, find the right places to go to get what's called a home study, which is the legal process that they have to go through to be approved to be able to adopt a baby. So every person has to go through what's called a home study. Somebody comes to your home, they interview the people in the family, they make sure you have the right finances, they do FBI clearances, all of that to be able to make sure that you are who you say you are. And that you are able and well to take care of a baby or a child in your home. And then the second step is the storybook process where you put together what's called an adoption profile. It's a storybook of your life through pictures and letters. Think Shutterfly book. But we do even nicer ones 'cause we work with a designer. So we help them do that because that is the sole tool that's used for an expectant mom to choose who she wants or who they want if dad's involved too, to parent their child.  Susan Stone: Wow. Is it like a dating app almost? a more detailed book.  Kristina Supler: Pitch for your family, right? Yeah. Yeah.  Becca Gruenspan: you're really showing an expectant mom. What is your child gonna look like in our life? Let me try to give you a little bit of a picture, a little bit of peek into our window of life. Susan Stone: Wow. Tell us what goes in that book. I'm so fascinated.  Becca Gruenspan: Yeah, it's really cool. And this is where I love working with families 'cause I get to know them on such a  Kristina Supler: deeper,  I'm sure that process personalizes everything for  Susan Stone: like, you show the house, the family dog, the kitchen, what's in the cupboard.  Becca Gruenspan: You know what? That might be a good thing. I'm gonna use that next time. What's in the, what's in your cupboards? But those, funny you should ask that, but sometimes it's exactly those little details. Sure. Mom like, go, oh my god. I can relate to this. Or I love this about them. and sometimes people don't realize how important those little details are in their life. Who are their friends? What are the, what does their friend makeup look like? Is it diverse? is it not diverse? Does everybody look the same? Does anybody have tattoos? Do they not? Do you have dogs? What does your family look like? Where do you go on vacation? Where do you work? All those things are really important. And so the pictures are important. The words are important. The stories are important to really relay and get the feeling of your personality across. So it's, I hate to use the word marketing tool, but if you're gonna if anything, it is a marketing tool on who your family is. And a lot of people don't understand either that in most cases, an expectant mom chooses the family. So it's like they both choose each other. She first chooses them. But then they have to also say, yeah, I, after learning about her and her situation, we choose her too. And then a match is made. Kristina Supler: Becca. I'm wondering,if a family, an individual or a family really want to adopt domestically, how likely is it for to be successful in the process? Are there instances, is it common for a family to maybe not, be chosen or be able to adopt? Or in the US is it generally if a family or individual wants to adopt, they'll be able to? Becca Gruenspan: Yeah. So to help answer that question, I'm going to explain my step three in the process, which is where they put together their agency portfolio. So let me ask you guys a question, and this is a question I always pose to people wanting to find out about our process. When you go to a financial planner and you say, here's a million dollars I wanna invest, wouldn't that be nice? First of all. Do you, will that financial planners say, great. We're gonna put it all into this one stock. No, you diversify. Exactly. And that's the strategy that I use with my family. So instead of putting all your eggs in one basket and signing up with one agency, say, we're gonna pick the largest agency. It's $15,000 up front. And we're gonna, they have great success. I say, why don't we sign up with three or four agencies for $5,000? And that way you're at way more places. Plus when agencies and attorneys are stuck and either don't have the right family for what an expected mom is looking for. Or maybe they don't even keep a list because sometimes that's a pain for them. They'll reach out to me and say, do you have any families for this particular situation?  So now I have a family who's at four agencies that they've signed up with. Plus I'm getting situations every month that I'm sending to them. Their chances of matching successfully are so much higher because their profiles in front of more people. They're seeing more situations. So to answer your question, it's very high percentage of people who are successful. In fact, the people that I have worked with who have not been successful are really, truly only the people who give up. If you don't give up, your chances are very high to adopt.  Susan Stone: Are there certain adoptions that are more difficult, such as you mentioned that you were single Jewish female? Are interracial differences a problem, same sex couples, like what is the most, is there, I'm just curious about the difference  Kristina Supler: Profiles that are chosen more often or, less frequently.  Becca Gruenspan: So the ones that are most difficult are families with multiple children already. I'd say if. If it's a couple, if you're both over 50, but, and if you're single over 50, that's gonna be more difficult. I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. And then the more narrow your criteria is, the more difficult it's gonna be. As open as you can be, the easier it's gonna be. So sometimes people will come in and have a gender preference and have a preference on are very narrow on, they don't want any drug exposure or they don't want any mental health. Yeah. And that's gonna be much more difficult 'cause then we're looking for more of a unicorn. And that's, those people are not placing their babies. Yeah, those people aren't the children. They cannot, handle because of their life situation to parent at that time. So you have to be wow open and you have to do a lot of education to understand who is an expectant mom. And typically it's a woman who has multiple children already. Who can't hold down her job because she can't afford childcare and parenting. Who can't afford another child and maybe just lost her condo. So is going from family member to family member or friend to live with heart. Heartbreaking. Yeah. And maybe,birth father isn't involved. And he has five other children of his own that he doesn't support either. This is just one scenario. There is no two scenarios that are the same.  Susan Stone: How do the kiddos that have come from birth mothers who have used alcohol and or drugs fair? We deal with those, that population and it, the cases again, that we see, it's a rough road  Kristina Supler: Right. The, the impact of fetal alcohol syndrome is lifelong.  Becca Gruenspan: Yeah. The good news is we do not see alcohol as an issue as much as drugs. And opioids, we all know about the opioid epidemic in the world. And that certainly translates into the expectant moms and the birth moms that we are seeing and that our clients are working with. alcohol is, is rare. More rare  Susan Stone: With the babies, how long do those babies go through withdrawal at  Becca Gruenspan: birth?  Yeah. What I have seen with through my client's eyes is typically three to five days. Oh. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But the good news is these babies are so resilient. And we have had many a, an adoption medicine doctor speak to our community and the children fare very well. They do well once they go through that with withdrawal. And I'm talking the drugs more than the alcohol. But opioids they tend to thrive really, and grow up just like any other, child as it pertains to those, that substance exposure.  Kristina Supler: You're listening to, you speak it, it's really reminding me or making me think about what a complex process adoption is emotionally In terms of, for the parents or individual who are adopting the child. It's an exciting and happy time. Maybe, some anxiety as well. But at the same time, how do you reconcile that with the idea that perhaps a beautiful thing in your life is beginning on the heels of a heartbreak or a tragedy in someone else's life. Whether it's substance abuse or whatever the circumstances are for why the child is being put into the adoption system.  And so how do you, how do you talk to parents about that or prepare them to work through all those competing emotions?  Becca Gruenspan: Well, you hit the nail on the head. Because every adoption starts with trauma. It starts with loss. And it is. Imagine being in a hospital. And on one side, and I have the chills talking about it on one side. Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. Me too. I'm just thinking about it.  Becca Gruenspan: Are so excited that their dream is coming true.  On the other side, you have a woman who is doing the most difficult thing that she could ever do in her life. And probably is really suffering because of this decision that she had to make for whatever reason. And in the middle. You have a child that is feeling maybe not consciously yet, both sides of that. So this child is growing up having experienced loss for the very first breaths of their lives. And that stays with them. We try to do another thing that really differentiates RG Adoption Consulting is that is the education component. So education and community, I believe, are two things that you cannot go through this process without. You need education, which never ends. I am almost 12 years in and I learned something all the time about what my child is experiencing and the different developmental stages and what, how they process identity issues at different stages. And if I didn't commit to continually learning, I. from adoption professionals and trauma specialists, I wouldn't understand how to be the best parent for my child. So when when you choose adoption, you really have to know that it's at least an 18 year commitment. And that you have to commit yourself to continuing to learn about your child. Because if you don't, your child is going to, No, it's gonna affect your child. And ultimately, everybody wants to be a good parent to their child, right? And if you're not doing the work, that's only going to get in between your relationship with you and your child.  And so there are so many layers. So education and community, just being around people who have, who understand this in a way that nobody else does, you know as well-meaning as our friends and families are. They don't know.  Susan Stone: I just wanna interrupt. I remember when we had dinner. Yeah. And I made the comment that children who get to land in wonderful homes are so lucky. And you really corrected me rightly so that is not a great way to frame adoption. Because there are aspects that are unlucky.  And we all have visions of Daddy Warbucks and Orphan Nanny, and everybody's dancing off the stage. But we have to remember that as wonderful as your adoptive parents are, children are conflicted. When does that conflict get integrated? Or does it ever, if ever, yeah.  Becca Gruenspan: You know that term lucky, right? Everybody can feel lucky. Individually at different stages throughout this process, right? From all different, we call it the adoption triad or the adoption constellation. So it's the adoptive parent, the birth parent, and the, adoptee. If somebody says to my child, wow, you're so lucky. You guys are so lucky you have each other. That doesn't give my child who may be struggling internally, because of the adoption, that doesn't give him room to have those feelings of, wow, why does, struggle of all the feels. Because that puts so much pressure on him to have to feel like, oh, I'm supposed to be really grateful to my grateful. Yeah. And that's a lot of pressure for someone to go through life feeling I can't ever talk about what I'm experiencing as an adoptee. I don't look the same as anyone else in my family. But I'm supposed to be this one way because everybody tells me how lucky I am.  Kristina Supler: That is really powerful food for thought, Susan. I would've made the same, gaff that you did. And I, it's just, a different perspective that I'd never thought about and, I hear you, Becca. That's really, thank you for sharing that. Because I hadn't really thought about, the alternative considerations.  Susan Stone: And when I made the comment and you responded in such a poignant way, it's obviously stuck with me. And I probably will stick with me for life because I was like, wow, not that all children. I know I have the talk with my kids. You don't appreciate me. I think all parents that feel that way. Have you ever said that  Kristina Supler: to your kids?  Never. I feel appreciated and valued every day. Yeah.  Susan Stone: yeah. I'm still working on it and my oldest is 25. But and I do say that to my kids. Show a little gratitude. But, we have to remember the circumstances. Becca, I could talk to you forever and in fact, this is my second time talking to you and I still have more. So we might have to do a part two with you. Okay. I would love that. And it's just great having you as  Kristina Supler: it's been wonderful talking. Yeah. And a lot of good information, for our listeners out there. And we are really appreciative of your time today. So thank you.  Becca Gruenspan: Thank you. Thank you.
Big Changes coming to the SAT!  How This Impacts Your Student
19-07-2023
Big Changes coming to the SAT! How This Impacts Your Student
In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Mark Coffin, the owner and President of Academy Custom Test Prep.  In this episode, they talk about the sweep changes coming to the SAT.  Topics include what big changes are coming to the SAT, how colleges are responding to those changes, and what strategies students should consider when preparing for either the SAT or ACT. Links: Academy Custom Test Prep:  https://academycustomtestprep.com/ Show Notes: (01:45)  What are the Big Changes to SAT in 2024 (04:49)  How will the SAT be different? (06:58)  Some Key Differences Between the SAT and ACT (07:34)  What the new SAT Focuses on with Reading and Grammar (09:52)  The Mysterious Logic Behind Taking the SAT Online (12:08)  The Biggest Change to Taking the SAT (12:54)  Cheating: Varsity Blues Scandal Explained (14:10)  All Scores are Not Created Equal (14:33)  Adaptive Tests:  Are They Equal? (17:08)  Will Colleges Know if You Got a Hard or Easy Test? (18:15)  Will the new SAT be of Any Value? (18:39)  The Response from ACT (19:55)  Do Colleges Prefer SAT over the ACT? (21:37)  Should Students Go with the ACT? (22:43)  A Simple Strategy Students Can Use to Prepare for the SAT (24:40)  How Colleges Are Responding to the SAT Changes (26:33)  Tutoring versus Self-Prep:  What works better? Susan Stone: Kristina, is this the first time we're recording a podcast and we're not together?  Kristina Supler: It is and it feels weird. I feel so alone.  Susan Stone: I was gonna say, I feel so disconnected from you. This is so weird everyone. You know that we're always attached at the hip, but I'm in New York and I.  Kristina Supler: I'm in our studio in Cleveland, Ohio, and, we're gonna do this with technology today, and I think we're gonna be talking about technology a lot today. Susan, what are we talking about today?  Susan Stone: Oh my gosh. We're gonna talk about the changes to the SAT because there's a lot happening and I'm gonna also wanna delve into, is the ACT gonna do the same thing, it's. The time of year where everybody's trying to get their last scores in before college applications go out. So good time for this talk. And, with that, why don't you introduce our guest?  Kristina Supler: Sure. We are joined today by Mark Coffin. Mark's the proud owner of Academy Custom Test Prep. ACT P helps students with the ACT , SAT, P-SAT and GRE tests, as well as common app essays and other college admissions essays. So Mark, thanks for joining us today.  Susan Stone: Happy to be here.  So Mark, big changes are coming to the SAT in 2024. Yeah. Complete. Describe the dun da. So can you describe the changes?  Mark Coffin: Sure. It's a complete revamp. The, college board who, runs both the P-SAT and SAT testing, they make up the tests and score 'em and all that. They made major changes to the SAT in 2016. So this isn't a long time for them to have had this new test. They made it then much closer to the ACT. Now effective with the P-SAT. This fall they're given traditionally in the high schools to juniors, sophomores, and juniors in October of each year. So this fall, both sophomores and juniors will take the new version of the P-SAT, which will be very much like the new version of the SAT. The first new SAT will be in March of 24. So current juniors who pretty much have already taken some of these tests, have taken the old s a, the current SAT. The new one will be for current sophomores and younger kids starting next March. Now a current sophomore could in fact take SAT tests this fall. There are, four testing dates. And take the current version on paper. But starting with March, it's going to be a very different format, for a number of reasons. Number one, the test is gonna be completely online. So there'll be no printed tests. Students will take it at testing centers, not at home, designated as they do now, but they can use their own computers or they, a computer will be provided when they go in and get ready for the test and start, their computer will basically be frozen. So they can't use it for research or texting or anything else they might want. And they download through a link, the new SAT test. And so they will have their own test on their machine or on a provided machine that's online and everything must be done online. The test will be shorter. It's currently a little over three hours. It's gonna be two hours. They're shortening it by combining some of the sections and reduce, just simply reducing the number of questions. The current SAT has a reading section. And a writing or grammar section. And those will now be, those are now separate sections. You finish one and then go on when the time's up to the next one. And then it current one has two math sections. One without a calculator. You can't use a calculator. And then one with a calculator. And again, you do the non calculator. You finish when the time's up. You go on to the next one.  Susan Stone: Mark. I just wanna interrupt, how did they know whether you have a calculator or a non calculator? Do the proctors manage that? Yeah, the proctors.  Mark Coffin: The proctors are walking around and they see you with a calculator. you're kicked out. so  Kristina Supler: it sounds like it's almost, it's a really different test.  Mark Coffin: It's different in a lot of other ways too. One hugely important way, which I'll get to after I've covered the more, the simpler questions. So the current two sections that are reading and grammar, they call it writing and language, are gonna be combined into one section so you don't finish big. That's a big, that's a big change. That's a big change. In the, reading part, in the current test, you generally have around 11 paragraphs to read, eight to 11, and then you answer 10 or 11 questions about each paragraph. So you have to be not only a perceptive reader, but a pretty quick reader because I'll give you a lot of time. The current, the new test will reduce this, I think, to four passages for the reading with one question and just be a paragraph with only one question per paragraph. The, reasoning is that students will have more time to absorb the material and answer one sort of more broader question about the point of the paragraph so they have more time to ponder it in effect.  Susan Stone: Mark,  Kristina Supler: is that easier?  Yeah, it sounds like they're in some ways watering the test down. Am I wrong?  Mark Coffin: The questions are not easy. I don't think it's easier. It's easier in the time sense. You're not hurried to read a paragraph and answer 10 or 11 questions. Because you have to have pretty good recall to read a paragraph and then immediately go to the questions and remember 11 different answers. Now it'll be one answer. And I've taken a practice test. Khan Academy, which many people are familiar with, is Sure. An online practicing entity for basically the SAT. They now have a couple of these, new format practice tests. And I've taken one, the question's not, I'm not a junior in high school, so I may be somewhat better at taking these tests than some kids, but,it's a fairly difficult question, I thought for a junior. Susan Stone: Okay. So sorry to, they're taking  Kristina Supler: the time management pressure out of it, but the substance of the questions is still weighty.  Mark Coffin: Yes, I think so. The. Yeah, they're trying to give kids more time. The SAT compared to the ACT has never been a time crunch. The way the ACT is. The ACT is much more direct, and so there are many more questions in the same three hour period. For example, the math section in the ACT is 60 questions in 60 minutes. you gotta move. SAT was never that time crunch. But they're dropping it from three hours to two dramatically reducing the number of questions. The whole idea is to make it, an easier test, frankly.  Susan Stone: So let's go back. What are the other changes, cuz I wanna make sure we cover 'em all.  Mark Coffin: I told you they combined the two reading and grammar. Grammar will have much more emphasis on vocabulary. The SAT before they changed it in 2016, was much more of a vocabulary test than the then new SAT. They reduced the, you really had to study vocabulary if you took an SAT in 2005. Kristina Supler: so are we back to that? Are we back to studying vocabulary?  Mark Coffin: I think so, somewhat. The but they'll, there'll be more emphasis on vocabulary, not so much, you don't have to define words, but they will have a blank in a sentence and ask you which word best fills in that blank. So you don't have to know the definition, but you have to know pretty much the context of words, how they're used. And in some words will be absurd. You just wouldn't use 'em. It might be farmer, where the right word is horse. I'm using simplistic examples, but you would never put farmer in the, in that blank. So some of them will be obvious, but some won't be. It'll be difficult. So anyway, those are two of the changes. The, making the math all, maybe I didn't get to that. The math is now gonna be all with a calculator, fewer questions than the two previous sections. But you can use a calculator anywhere. And you don't bring a calculator. The calculator is on the screen. One of the big changes with this test going online is that you have to be adept at taking the test online. With a paper test going forwards and back, skipping a problem, but coming back to it later because you circled it on your paper. Those things are second nature to kids now. I'm much older than a junior in high school. I think many of these kids are much more adept at online testing than I am.  Kristina Supler: There's all sorts of online testing now, for sure. Yeah, I Susan Stone: know, but I would struggle because I remember that taking the SAT and seeing something that was challenging, saying, okay, I'm gonna come back, and I would just jot where to go back. But now you've got a manage and negotiate everything on the screen.  Mark Coffin: Well, you can have to help with that. You can have scratch paper, obviously you can't bring anything other than blank paper. They'll provide scratch paper. So you can write down section one. I wanna come back to number 11 or something. But you still gotta be able to do it on the screen. Now there are arrows. Kids know how to do that. But it's another step I think thatIt just makes it, for me, it makes it much more challenging to take this test online. So essentially those are the format is largely the same. The material tested largely the same. Just many fewer questions. Their thinking is that by making it shorter and online, I don't know how they come up with this logic, but that it will appeal to many more kids. That it'll be fairer. I don't know what makes this fairer. That's what they put in their press releases, that they think more kids will take it. I think that may be true, but not because they've improved the test. I think kids will be, a p will be attracted by the two hours instead of three. These tests are no fault.  Susan Stone: for sure.  Kristina Supler: So were these, what motivated, or caused SAT to make these sweeping changes?  Mark Coffin: There's no question that these tests, ACT or SAT are culturally biased. If you come from a good school system, a nuclear family, maybe get prep work, tutoring, you have a huge advantage over a student that doesn't have those things. So that makes the score. The score is it's almost a. It's hard for an inner city kid, for example, to score, and many do nonetheless, but they have a bigger hurdle to get the kind of scores that a kid's kid from a top flight, public or private school can get.  Kristina Supler: So in other words, if you have resources, you can game the test. Mark Coffin: I tell people only partly inject ingest that academy's job is to be a legal cheater. Our job is to train these kids interesting, to improve the on the test. And think of this as a move on an athletic field. Think of prepping as a move on an athletic field or learning in an instrument or lines in a play. If you do the test over and over in practice, you're just simply gonna get better.  Susan Stone: Yeah, but Mark, my understanding of the TE biggest test change is that students will get different tests cuz the computer will spit out different questions based on how you do.  Kristina Supler: Is that true? I'm gonna track you, Susan? Is that what you're getting at?  Mark Coffin: There's two parts to that answer, and it's the biggest change. The first part is everyone in the room will have a different test. Forget the adaptive nature I'll get to next. Every, the person sitting next to you will have a different test than yours. I believe. That's simply a plain attempt to stop cheating. You can't look at the person next to you and see what they're answering. Not only is it online, but they have a different test. They're gonna have, 17 is gonna be a different question for John than Mary.  Susan Stone: so you can't use AI to help you with the test. Kristina Supler: No. This was one thing I was wondering as well, aside from ai, is this some sort of response to the varsity blues, matter and all the cheating that happened just a couple years ago?  Mark Coffin: That was pretty genius, frankly, what that guy did it, it hinged on you moving your test center to one of his. And to do that was very simple. He said, I've got a wedding that day in Texas and can I take the test there? Yeah, sure. And you take the test to his test center and he either, gave you the answers or he had someone else take the test.  Susan Stone: Just sit there. Yeah. That wouldn't have prevented varsity blue because he actually I agree had someone take the test for you. But you won't be able to really move test centers, correct?  Mark Coffin: No. I don't know that. You go, you still go to a test center, so I guess that same argument still applies. But obviously they're paying much more attention. That was a, he called it a side door. And of course the bad part of that was that he had athletic coaches, letting a guy who lives in a desert get in on the crew team kind of thing. Susan Stone: But the question is, now that everybody has a different test, how do you compare? How can a school say, look at Johnny Smith versus Johnny Jones. And if they both have a 1300, how do you compare? Cuz they're two different tests,  Kristina Supler: right? Not all 13 hundreds are created equal with an adaptive test, right? Mark Coffin: Yeah, that's correct. And of course some kids are better at certain phraseology, better re even though you end up with the same score, you might do well on certain questions that the other guy didn't do well on. But it comes out to the same score because vice versa. And other questions. The yeah, there is no comparative value that I can see. and I haven't even gotten to the big change. Susan Stone: Okay. give us the big change. Yeah. wait,  Mark Coffin: take us there. I'll one more comment though, on the sitting next to people with different tests. The college board maintains that the test, no matter being different, they're equivalent. Well, that's a value judgment. And I don't know how you That's a great comment. How you can really ascertain that or say it with a straight face. If it's a different test, by definition, it's not compar comparable. So you're right. So that's a fairly big change right there. But here's the killer. The tests are now gonna be adaptive, meaning I, I mentioned, I think I mentioned before, that when you do the verbal part, the reading and the grammar. They're gonna be two modules. And the same thing with math. Two modules. So when you finish the first one, say the, reading in, in grammar, the program is gonna analyze how you did and either give you harder questions for the second module or easier ones. So if you screw up early on, even if you're brilliant, and then just half asleep and start off slowly, you're gonna get easier questions. Same thing in the math. After the first module, they're gonna adjust the following questions. That also will adjust the score you can get the maximum score is gonna stay still. 1600, 800, 800 on the two sections. Which is pretty hard to get by the way. But the maximum score now will be essentially 1200. So if you get in both sections, the easier Second module, your score will be capped in each section at 600, so two would be 1200. Even if you answer the second module, both the verbal and the math perfectly, your score can't go over 1200, or maybe it's 1225. It's not specific, but it's low 12 hundreds. And it's nowhere near 1600. Now if you, obviously, if you do well in the sections, you get the harder questions and your maximum score could be the 1600. But this means, again, Everyone is taking a different test that when you start changing the second module from the first module. And by the way, the first module is already different, and now you're gonna change the second one. What possible value do two scores have when be like a batter's batting average when they're in a different ballpark against a different pitch. It's not the same ballgame.  Susan Stone: Mark, will colleges have any way of knowing that? Let's say Kristina and I both took it. I got an easy version. She got a hard,  Mark Coffin: I. Not in anything I've read. I don't believe so. It's a very good question. But I don't think colleges will know. college board has been quiet on that and colleges have been crickets on this. They haven't said anything basically about this new test. Part of that is because it's not in their ball ballpark yet. The kids that are gonna be taking this test, are gonna be next year's juniors. They don't apply until the fall of senior year. So we're two years away from colleges even having to think about these scores. D do they matter or not?  Kristina Supler: Well, it's interesting to think about the change, really significant changes in the SAT coupled with the affirmative action ruling from the Supreme Court. You know how that the trickle down effect of both those changes on the college admissions landscape. It's it's gonna be really significant.  Mark Coffin: Well, certainly certain minorities are gonna have a harder time. They're not getting favoritism theoretically on paper. And is that good or bad? We could argue the point. But, and they're, both sides have plenty of value in the argument. But yeah, it. In my mind, this new SAT will be of no value whatsoever to colleges. Because its only value is comparative. And that's a limited value. But if you take the comparison value away, what, what's left? They took, they got a score.  Susan Stone: So what is ACT gonna do? Are they gonna sit back and hold the course? And what that test is?  Mark Coffin: So far, the ACT has said they are not doing anything except they're investigating, going online with their test. And they, the SAT is has already been online abroad. If you took it, if you're a student taking it abroad and want to apply to a US college, which many do, that is currently the new version of the SAT and it's online. The ACT, all they've said is they're looking into going online, away from paper tests.  Now, here's problem for a company like mine. There are no paper tests anymore. The college board currently puts out a big blue book, has eight practice tests. And kids that's how we give kids homework and that's how they improve. They do the tests,  Kristina Supler: ah, materials for practicing, and yeah, so on and so forth.  Mark Coffin: There are no materials now. I don't have any way of having a tutor sit with a student and go over the questions and answers. It's just, it's not on paper. It's not there. You can't do women computers.  Kristina Supler: Mark, I'm wondering, irrespective of the changes to SAT, let's set that aside for a moment. As things currently stand, in your opinion, do colleges and universities prefer the SAT over the ACT or vice versa?  Mark Coffin: No, they did 20 years ago, 15 years ago. They clearly did. The East Coast was an SAT area. Largely they preferred the SAT. So if you were uva, Harvard, any, any East Coast team you wanted an SAT. Same thing with the West Coast. They wanted SAT. Basically the Midwest has always been the ACT home. But that all changed, I don't know, 2 20 12 kind of thing. All colleges then and now say that they don't have a preference. And of course, as many colleges have gone test, some are test blind. If you turn in a test, they won't even consider it. But many are test optional. So many kids have opted out, would've opted out of even taken the test. Cuz it's no fun. If you really want to do well, you pretty much have to prep. And that's expensive and time consuming. And these kids are busy. Junior year is a really busy year for a high school kid. So many of them have opted to go test fun. And of course any student who forget, just not wanting to bother. any student who knows they're a weak test taker or maybe takes the test one time and is very disappointed, of course they're not turning that score in and they're not gonna take it again. So test optional is still, it helps if a school's test optional, you can turn in a good score. It helps in two ways. It's a tie breaker for a student that looks like you on paper without a score. And it's also a help for marade. Almost all colleges consider if they get a score, it's a factor in. And colleges, as are really expensive. So getting merit aid is a big plus. But, you're only turning in a good score. So you can see what that does to the average scores that colleges now.  Susan Stone: The average score is now higher. I'm gonna have two follow up questions based on what Kristina said. One is, now with the change of the SAT, would you recommend students just stick with the ACT? Because it'll give Yeah. Pardon?  Mark Coffin: Completely. Partly because I can't, and I'm on it. I've already started talking to parents whose kids are, rising juniors. We're not tutoring the SAT I can't do it. And I also don't think you should take it. If you're going to take the test, a test, take one that matters. Why take a test that's meaningless?  Susan Stone: And then my follow up is something that you said if it's gonna be online and it's difficult for you to get practice materials, are you just gonna tutor with like, general testing strategy. Mark Coffin: Well, we're doing that with some kids. We have our, or we're set up to do that with some rising juniors who know they are not taking a paper test in the fall. They're taking the first in March, the first,new format. And the mom said to me, since the material's largely the same, I understand the timing and all those things are different. But can you just tutor her for the current SAT using paper tests? She'll be better, won't she? At the real, the new SAT the answer. That's a great question. Of course she will be. And we are doing that with some kids. And I've suggested that to some moms. But,But it's not, it's still not prepping him for the exact same test. So that as a businessman, that makes me a little uncomfortable taking your money, but I'm preparing you for something you're not gonna do.  Susan Stone: So what are you going do? How are you going?  Mark Coffin: Just ACT. And so unless something changes now, we're still a ways away from next March. If there are sufficient numbers of online practice tests and they become accessible somehow. I'm not a computer geek, so I don't know what that means, but if there's some way we can use them sitting down one-on-one with a kid, yeah, of course we'll do that. Except again, I think it's hard for me to justify to a mother. Why do, why are you gonna take the SAT? Why's your student taking the SAT? It's a pointless test now. And I think colleges will come to that conclusion. Now, if you get a 1500. Whether it's a different test or not, of course that's an indicator. You're a pretty, pretty good student, at least at this type of work. Does it compare to another 1500 or, I don't think so. But a but a strong score is a strong score. I think they're dumbing down the test, and I think it'll be easier to get a pretty good score if you take it. but  Kristina Supler: Mark, how would you respond to someone who, a listener out there who might just say,geez, this guy's in the test prep business. And, it's sour grapes for the SAT because now you've in, you've said you can't tutor on the SAT. it's just your business interests are driving your opinion of the test changes. How would you respond to that?  Mark Coffin: I think the colleges are gonna have the same business interest. And they're gonna be making the same evaluation I am. How valuable is this number now? As I said before, they haven't gotten there yet. They don't have to. It's not even on their radar. Another interesting wrinkle in this is, the state of Ohio currently requires as a diploma requirement, graduation requirement that all public and parochial, not private schools, but public and parochial, give their junior class either an SAT or an ACT For free. For free. For free. Yes. Yes. And the school picks the date. And they pick which test. And some schools pick ACT, like Solen, west Joa, but many schools pick SAT like Orange and Kenston and Chagrin Falls. The SAT, they're gonna be able to give, and they typically do this in the spring. So the SAT they're gonna have available to them is gonna be the new format. Are they gonna give that SAT as a graduation requirement or are they gonna go to ACT? I would think they'd go ACT. But I don't know. I've asked a couple of college guidance people and they say it's not on our radar yet. That's so far ahead. So yeah.  Susan Stone: That's really interesting. I would say that, Look, you can't deny, especially with the test, optional, that there's a positive inference by submitting a score. Correct. And I don't know that's gonna change. So it is still important and studying practice makes perfect with this test. And there are some good free resources available. We can't deny that. But it Mark, after having three kids go through it, No matter what the free resource is, it helps to have a human being sit with you and explain things, doesn't it? Kristina Supler: Not quite the same as working with the tutor.  Mark Coffin: Yeah, the one-on-one is very different than doing it yourself. Partly cuz when you miss a question, it might be cuz you don't understand how to do it. Not just a casual error. Like I forgot to bring a minus sign down. The other thing is motivation. None of humans are very good at doing things we don't particularly enjoy and prepping on your own. Very true is difficult, to sit there. And plus, when you prep, you're not taking a three hour test, eight o'clock on a Saturday morning. You take a, you do a math test for practice and you get up in the middle of it and go get a soda or something. And it's just very different on your own even if you do it. And one of the reasons that my business is attractive to parents is it's a way of, in effect, forcing their kids to do it. It's like a doctor's appointment. You gotta get, go meet with this person, do the homework, and just take this seriously. It's costing me a lot of money. Yep. And doing it on your own just isn't the same motivation. Very few kids are successful at doing it on their own. Some are, they're some kids that are driven for this kind of thing. But I think the answer to your earlier question is this self-serving course. It is. it's my business, and I want it to work as well as possible. The good news is tutoring works. And it's very rewarding, especially for my tutors. When you raise a kid's score, 250 points on the SAT. You take 'em from 1150 to a 1500 or something. it's, it, that's very big job. Big job. Yeah. and it happens. it sounds incredible. But it's a function of the kids putting in the effort. And again, they're the same tests every time, different material, but they get used to the material. It brings back stuff like the math they may have had two years earlier and have basically largely forgotten since ninth grade. Kristina Supler: There's so much to consider now for families, planning for the future with the college process. But this has really been a wonderful discussion that's full of chock full of good information for parents to be aware of as they, plan for the future and the college process with their children. Susan Stone: And again, another difficult decision, SAT V versus ACT or whether you should take it at all. Lots to think about. You gotta know your kid. Absolutely.  Mark Coffin: Another point, the test may become more available to companies like mine because there are huge national tutoring companies like Princeton Review, Kaplan. They don't wanna stop tutoring the the SAT. Some of them are making their own tests trying to divine how are we, how's this test gonna look? That's, that doesn't work very well. but they, they've got a lot of incentive to get something out there that little companies like me can use and students can use. Kristina Supler: What's the saying? Necessity is the mother of invention. So there you go.  Susan Stone: That's a good one. Supler. That's a good one. Mark, it's been such a pleasure.  Kristina Supler: Feel free to reach out to Mark Coffin at Academy Custom Test Prep. Thanks for joining us, Mark. Thanks.  Mark Coffin: My pleasure. Thanks. Have a good day. Bye-Bye.
Cutting Edge Products To Make Sex Safer
05-07-2023
Cutting Edge Products To Make Sex Safer
Title: In this episode of Real Talk, KJK Student Defense Attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler are joined by Dr. Lauren Streicher, a Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Northwestern University’s medical school, and the founder and medical director of the Northwestern Medicine Center for Menopause and the Northwestern Medicine Center for  Sexual Health.  In this episode, they talk about if current contraceptive methods really prevent STIs, current edge products to make "safe sex" a reality, and misconceptions around current contraceptives. Show Notes: (02:20)  Getting Real about Failure Rates with Contraception (04:20)  Why Failures Rates are So High (06:14)  Why Condoms Don’t Prevent STI’s (07:28)  HPV Vaccine: Should College Students Get It? (08:44)  Protection During Oral Sex (09:36)  Introducing a New, Superior Woman-Controlled Contraception (13:08)  What Makes the New LUWI Superior (14:42)  Does the LUWI have Lubrication? (15:45) FDA Testing of the New LUWI (17:32)  Misconceptions Around Emergency Contraception (19:11)  Why the “Morning After” Pill Works for 5 Days (20:26)  Reproductive Rights and IUDs (21:53)  Why “The Pill” Can Fail (25:17)  Why the LUWI Will Be on College Campuses First (27:40)  Myth or Fact: Do You Gain Weight on “The Pill” (28:32)  Contraception and the Impact on Dating Apps Pull Quotes: Susan Stone: It has been approximately one year since the Dobbs opinion, and I'm still in shock. Are you?  Kristina Supler: I, it was interesting over the weekend reading news stories and it's like, wow, a year has passed and it it's wild, wild.  Susan Stone: And it's changing the election. It's changing culture. We are really reverting back and, so the topic today is more important than ever. We're gonna talk about contraception post Dobbs. And we're gonna hopefully unpack myths and make sure students know what they need to do to be safe out there. You know, last week we had a guest and we were talking about the health issues of transgender. We actually learned a new word larc. Remember that?  Kristina Supler: I do. And I'm. Certain that our guest today has more to say.  Susan Stone: I think she knows a larc is not a bird. It's a long acting reversible contraception. But today we have a repeat guest that we love to see.  Kristina Supler: Yes, today we are really happy to be joined again by Dr. Lauren Streicher. Welcome, Dr. Streicher. Welcome back. I should say welcome back.  Dr. Lauren Streicher is a clinical professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Northwestern University's Medical School. And she's the founder of Northwestern Medicine Center for Menopause and the Northwestern Medicine Center for Sexual Medicine. Dr. Streicher's, a medical correspondent for top rated news programs in Chicago and has been a guest on other national shows like the Oprah Winfrey Show, C N N, C B S. 2020 just to name a few. Dr. Streicher's also a bestselling author. She's written several books and she hosts the popular podcast called Dr. Streicher's Inside Information Podcast, Menopause, Midlife, and More. Welcome, Dr. Streicher. Dr. Lauren Streicher: it's a pleasure to be back.  Susan Stone: Anything new? What's different, on the horizon coming up? Birth control. Give us the landscape.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Yeah. first, let me tell you that there, there are always new things and I'm gonna tell you about some very exciting new things. But I'm glad you started off with talking about larcs, L A R C, as you said, not l a r k, which is the bird. And this is actually not a new term. For us, new term for you, but we've been talking about long acting reversible contraception for a long time. And the reason is, is that we are in an era right now, which it is more important than ever to have reliable contraception. Because when we talk about contraception, we not only look at user, preference, but we look at failure rates. And we know that something that is not going to be controlled on a case by case basis is what's going to have the best rates of success.  So when we look at a long acting reversible contraception, that is something that is not, as we say, user dependent. These are contraceptions that we set and forget, and as we go through the list of options for college students to use, that is certainly high on the list when it comes to the most reliable. But before we get to the specific contraceptions, I just wanna kinda set the stage for why this is such an important conversation. Because please, absolutely, Dobbs, no question, but even before the Dobbs decision, when it became potentially life-threatening, you know, now it's, it's not just inconvenient or scary, it's, Life threatened to become pregnant. But beyond that, we know that women in college are very high risk for not only getting pregnant, but for getting a sexually transmitted infection. We're talking one in four women will contract a sexually transmitted infection. We know that most college women, about at least 70% are sexually active. And when I'm talking sexually active, I am talking penile vaginal intercourse. Because sexually active of course you mean many things. A lot of different things. But if we're talking about just the ability to get pregnant, we're looking at about 70% most people.  Susan Stone: Is that just because you're more fertile in your twenties?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: It's a combination of increased fertility. And it's a combination of complacency of not using contraception on a consistent basis or using it correctly. And that's one of the things that is really the theme of today, is I think many college women are very much aware of what's available to them. But just because they're using a contraception does not mean that they use it correctly. And in fact, if you look at statistics for unplanned pregnancies, roughly 50% of pregnancies are unplanned. And according to the Guttmacher Institute, 50% of those use some form of contraception in the month before. Now think about that. That's really wild. You know, so many people think that if someone gets pregnant it's because they were just complacent or they were lazy, or they, the worst is when people actually think that some people use abortion for contraception, which is simply not true. 50% of unplanned pregnancies are people who did use some form of contraception, but it failed. And some methods are more likely to fail than others.  And at the top of the list, quite frankly, are male condoms. I'm currently doing a study with the Kinsey Institute that I will tell you about with male condoms. And so I've been reading a lot about it and looking at these studies. And I was floored at the number of couples that even if they say, yeah, we use a condom, they don't use them properly and they have incomplete use of condom, meaning they're not using a condom from the start to the finish of sex. And the  Susan Stone: Question though, in terms of preventing sexually transmitted infections, Am I correct that the condom,  Kristina Supler: the condom was the best way  Susan Stone: or the only way? How else can you prevent an infection?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Okay, so let's switch gears for a little bit and we're gonna switch from contraception to protection of STIs. So when we talk about STIs, the most common STI out there is human papillomavirus, right? Where women get human papillomavirus on the vulva. Do condoms protect their vulva? They do not. So when we look at condoms as protecting against STIs, it is one of the best methods that we have out there. But it is not the only method and it is not as protective as it needs to be.  Because it is going to protect against cervical, sexually transmitted infections. Gonorrhea, chlamydia. Things such as that. But it will not protect against herpes. It will not protect against H P V, and that's even if the condom is used properly. These studies, which completely, you know, just I was like blown away by is the number of men who do not use a condom from start to finish because of condom associated erection problems. Something we don't think about in young men, but certainly exists. They talk about,  Susan Stone: We've been hearing about it in a lot of our cases. Yeah. But I just want you to back up a little bit. sure. I know with the H P V, we now have a vaccine. Yes. We don't have a vaccine that I'm aware of for herpes. Correct. So what's, what's a gal to do?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Okay. Well, first of all, let's circle back to the vaccine for a minute. I wish I could say that 100% of college age men and women have been vaccinated against hpv, but they have not. Some of them are also folks that were vaccinated earlier on so that they got the quadrivalent vaccine, meaning that it only protects against four subtypes of H P V as opposed to the newer vaccine, which prevents against nine subtypes. So even people that were vaccinated, depending on when they were vaccinated, may not have complete protection. But there's an awful lot of people that aren't protected. And quite frankly, a lot of times it's the guys that aren't protected. But to your point, herpes.  There is no vaccine and herpes is has nothing to do with intercourse. In many cases it's about oral sex. There's this idea that type one herpes is on the mouth and type two herpes is on the genitals. And we know that's not the case. You can have both type one and type two on the mouth or the genitals because of transference during oral sex. So how do you protect yourself? Let's, I mean, I'm sure all the parents are sitting out there and people are saying, okay, we'll get to it already. Yikes. how could you protect yourself, understand it, give us answers, short of stepping in a hefty bag or locking yourself in your dorm room and becoming abstinent, which is not gonna happen. So number one. There is a new product called Laurels, r o l a l S. Are you familiar with this one? We are, yes. Yeah. Laurels is a disposable latex panty, which is worn by a woman, and the purpose of laurels is to protect her during oral sex. So if a guy or a woman is giving her oral sex and that person has herpes on their mouth or gonorrhea on their mouth as you can. And, that means that this will protect her. It's latex. And this is a disposable panty. It's a one use panty that is, does not decrease sensation. In fact, some people think it increases sensation. I actually have a whole podcast on it in my, Protecting Yourself Podcast. And it's really an interesting new product. And the idea being that. It also can be for anal play, not just for vaginal play, but it's not for penetration. It's not for penetration. What's new out there for penetration is there is a product which is about to get f d a cleared. I'm working with this company, it's very exciting, and it's called LUWI, as in L U W I, as in let us wear it.  And what LUWI is. Is this is a woman controlled, very important, a woman controlled contraception for both pregnancy protection and S T I protection. And this is a polyurethane single use internal liner. So it's an internal sheath that protects the vagina, but it also protects the vulva. And this is inserted by the woman up to eight hours in advance. And she's not aware of it. The men are not aware of it. And the idea is it, not only is it not going to decrease from her pleasure, but it is going to protect from STIs both in the vagina and the vulva. And what's interesting, and I mentioned, I'm doing a study with the Kinsey Institute right now. The study that we're doing is specifically to identify couples that the man either doesn't use a condom. Or does it use it from start to finish in complete use? Because he says that it impacts on his sensation, it impacts on his ability to orgasm. He can't maintain his erection. He has discomfort with the condom. There's a whole long list of excuses, right?  So what we wanna see is with use of a woman controlled contraception with LUWI, are we gonna cross all of those things off the guy's list? What's really interesting is, I don't know if you're familiar, with A C H A, the the American College Health Association. Are you familiar with this group? No. No. I just came from their conference. This is basically a group of all of the people that run student healthcare. All over the country. So there are 700 different colleges that participate in A C H A. They have a conference every year. The American College Health Association Conference, it took place three weeks ago in Boston. I was there, and the reason that I was there is because we were introducing LUWI to all of these college, health student, centers. And I gotta tell you, The excitement was over the top.  Susan Stone: No pun intended, right?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Yeah, no, really, because they are what they do the, colleges buy condoms, you're aware of that, that they buy condoms? Yes.  Susan Stone: Yes. And they, but are they easy to use and Yes. Can they get stuck in the  Kristina Supler: vagina? I was wondering, does it get stuck? Does that float around?  Susan Stone: Can it cause toxic shock?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: No, not at all. So if this wasn't a podcast, I would show it to you because I happen to have one right here with my purple sparkle vulva that we were using. hold it up and we'll describe it to our 10 seconds to step away and get my purple vulva. I  Susan Stone: gotta see it. Get your purple vulva and listeners out there. We will describe the LUWI LUWI to you. I speaking. LUWI.  Kristina Supler: Oh,  LUWI. LUWI. Ok. Here we  Susan Stone: go. That's right. Carrying the  Dr. Lauren Streicher: right. Here we go. Here is my purple vulva. All right. So you can see in the purple vulva. Here's the vaginal opening. Here's the clitoris just to orient you. Okay. And we made the vagina clear. So that you can see what happens inside. Okay, so this is LUWI. It looks just like a condom, a male condom, except it  Susan Stone: looks like a condom. Exactly like a condom. So listeners out there, it actually looks like a condom. Yeah.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: What the difference is it's made out of polyurethane. And so what that means is it's much softer. It's much thinner. It doesn't decrease sensation. There's no odor. It doesn't have that funky latex odor. It's completely colorless. There's no color to it, and there's this very kind of soft, flexible ring. So basically the way that it works is a woman just takes it and she just pushes this inside her vagina. super like a tampon. Not even. Yeah. But it doesn't even have to go up as far, you just, like with her fingers, she just pushes it in and then she takes this ring and she puts it right over her vulva. And then when the penis goes in, it pushes it in for her, gets it in all the way. So then, but this is, it's cool. It is, as you can see, it's over the vulva. And if you, if someone touches it when it's thin, you can't. It doesn't decrease sensation at all. But the beauty is, is a lot of women position this ring right over this clitoris. You know where I'm going here. So what this means is that it's going to ensure that during intercourse that the woman's not just gonna have less pleasure, she will potentially have more pleasure. Studies also show that she'll have more pleasure cuz she won't be as worried. if someone isn't worried about getting an STI, or getting pregnant, they have more pleasure. So this act, so this covers the vulva, and what this means is that if the guy has herpes or H P V, her vulva is protected. This can also be used for anal intercourse. Male to male, female to male. Same kind of protection instead of pushing.  Susan Stone: What about lubrication? Does it block the lubrication?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: It comes with a lubrication. Okay. So the lubricant is inside, and I mean around the side of outside of it. This one's on lubricated for demo purposes. Otherwise, my purple Volvo gets all greasy. And the recommendation is to use a lu with a lubricant just because it's gonna be easier. And in fact, the packaging will come with a lubricant. So when we went to this meeting and there was a tremendous amount of excitement because the healthcare services know more than anybody that there's all these STIs and undesired pregnancies. And that this is really going to be a huge solution. They were all signing up to, to buy them for, to distribute on campuses. So with the condom fairy, if the college, lots of college campuses have condom ferries and all kinds of things that they go around and they're gonna be distributing these. And it's not gonna be for this school year because the F D a clearance is just coming through and they're just being manufactured. But we are looking at the 2024, 25 school year. So that's the newest thing that's coming out. That's very exciting. And the thing that's exciting,  Susan Stone: women have to worry about leakage when you pull out? Dr. Lauren Streicher: No. So this is part of the FDA clearance, process. It's just like with the latex condom, they test it to make sure that sperm can't get through, that the STIs can't get through. Sure, like a male condom, if somebody pulls it off or doesn't use it, or doesn't use it from the beginning, of course there's always gonna be a chance of there being a problem. But if it's properly used, you don't have that problem and it's very, very easy to use. You know, there's been, it's been tested. We've looked at focus groups. It's launching, interestingly, it's for any age woman. But it's being launched on college campuses for a variety of reasons. And one of it is because they have one of the greatest unmet needs when it comes to protection. And again, people are not aware. You are. But the general population is not aware of incomplete condom use. And improper condom use on the part of men. And even though a lot of these women do have, as we talked about, very reliable, long acting, reversible contraception, that's not user dependent. That's not gonna protect them against an STI. I love IUDs. I think every single woman should have one 99% protection against pregnancy. But that is not gonna protect her against a sexually transmitted infection.  Susan Stone: Wow.  Kristina Supler: Dr. Streicher bringing us the latest cutting edge developments and contraception. When there's discussion and debate between birth control oh and abortion, and obviously again it in the wake of Dobbs, it's really important that listeners and, and everyone out there is aware of the distinction between the two.  Because there's often a lot of conflation. And so can you clearly explain for our listeners whether an I U D or an emerge or emergency contraception plan B, do they cause abortion? What is the difference between?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: And I'm glad we're discussing it because there is a great deal of misconception and has been from the get go. And one of the reasons historically is that emergency contraception, the first morning after pill, came out about the same time as we started having medical abortions. So it was very confusing and they are very different things. And to put it very simply, there's a difference between terminating in a established pregnancy, that's when abortion is, versus preventing pregnancy. So if you look at emergency contraception, that is basically preventing pregnancy from occurring. It is not an abortion.  And it's something that we have been using for decades, even before they had an FDA approved option available. Because it was something that gynecologists did off label, meaning we would use a combination of standard birth control pills given within a short time after unprotected sex, particularly in emergency rooms when someone would come in as a victim of rape and you don't want them to get pregnant, of course. So we would give them our version of emergency contraception. And so fast forward now, here we are. that we have much more, reliable and FDA approved emergency contraception. So we have emergency contraception pills, which we don't call them morning after pills anymore, because there's this idea that if you don't take it the morning after that, it's not gonna work. And we know that's not the case. The sooner you take it, the better. Ideally within 72 hours. But you do have up to five days to, to use emergency contraception.  Susan Stone: We've had cases where they. Don't work. So we've heard that they don't work if you're ovulating. Is that true?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: No, it does. It can work because this is the timeframe. When someone ovulates the egg is released from the ovary, it then travels down the fallopian tube. If a sperm meets up with that egg in the fallopian tube, that's actually where the sperm penetrates the egg. And then it makes that trip down the fallopian tubes and then it lands in the uterus. Where if there's a nice cushy bed that's, comfortable in waiting for this potential pregnancy, it's gonna land and it's gonna in bed. But that's why you have, even if you have sex, the moment you're ovulating, you've got this five day window before it's gonna travel down and become an established pregnancy. So again, it is not a pregnancy, a viable pregnancy until it lands in the uterus.  So the same can be said for IUDs. We now know the placement of an intrauterine device. Within five days of unprotected intercourse is going to dramatically decrease the rate of an unintended pregnancy. And then the beauty of the I U D then is you could just leave it there and you're protected going forward. And that's critically important because in this world of jobs, not only is abortion at risk, but so contraception.  Mm-hmm. And I think's very clear about that is that when we're looking at reproductive rights in these states that are passing these insane anti-woman laws, it's not just about their ability to get an abortion. It is about the ability to get contraception. And so my advice to women, who are looking for reliable contraception is quite frankly, almost, basically a hundred percent of women are candidates for an intrauterine device. And the beauty of that is that no one can take away your I U D no matter what laws passed. So if you get placements of an I U D, you're gonna be good for up to eight years, maybe even a little bit longer as far as contraception. Susan Stone: And so how does the plan B fail? Well, it can, it can fail.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: If it's taken too late, it can fail. And the other thing also is that, most of these contraceptive methods are not a hundred percent. Even if you look at a lot of the user dependent methods like birth control pills or the patch or the ring, we know that these are not 100% effective. Because there's theoretical effectiveness, which is very different than typical use failure rates. Typical use failure rates are higher. So for example, if you look at birth control pills and you think, how can birth control pills fail? 7% of the time they do. And one of do you get to  Kristina Supler: take it? Do you go to bed and you  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Exactly. And the other thing also is the most common time to miss a pill. You know when that is during your period? No, it's the beginning of a new pack and Oh. Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know that. Reason why is some insurance companies and some healthcare, student healthcare systems, they're not gonna give you 12 packs. They say you gotta come in every month. Who's busier than a college student? Who has less access to getting to the pharmacy than a college student? So they go off their, pill for their five days or seven days, depending on the pill. It's time to start the new pill. They've got a final. They've got something to coming up. They say, I'm not gonna make it there. So instead of starting their new pill pack on a Sunday, they might start it on Tuesday. And that's the greatest likelihood of having a failures at the beginning. I'm a huge, huge advocate of continuous pill taking. Meaning there is no off days. There's no placebo days. There's no period. Get your pill. Take an active pill every single day. Because not only are you not gonna get a period, which is a wonderful thing for all the obvious reasons, get rid of the cramps, the expense of tampons. The list is very long, of, of advantages to not having a period. But the other advantage that people really don't appreciate is that you're your failure rate's gonna be lower. Because it's with starting that new pack that people ovulate and quite frankly, when you send your student off to college, one of the best things you can do is forget insurance, purchase a couple of extra packs, a pill, send them off with some extra packs. So if they go away for the weekend and they forget it, or it gets flushed down the toilet or whatever, you wanna make sure that that you're gonna have some extra pill packs and that they can take them continuously without worrying about it. And the same is even like with the ring. You know when you look at the new ring and Vera, are you familiar with those two? Yes. And the people may not be familiar with Vera, which is a vaginal ring with estrogen and progestin and it that can be used for up to a year. And the recommendation on the part of the manufacturer and the FDA approval is you remove it one week a month to get your period. And I'm like, are you kidding? Don't remove it for God's sakes. Put it in and leave it there for a year and just don't even think about it. And it's, and that's safe. That's healthy. Absolutely. But they didn't. But for a variety of reasons, the FDA did not, did not okay it for that, and the company didn't try and get it through because, It's really not about medical, it's more about that. it's just it's perfectly safe to take your pill continuously. It's perfectly safe to leave your ring in. If you wanna take it out, you can take it out for a couple of hours, rinse it with cool water, put it back. But every time you take it out is a chance for it to get lost, for it to get forgotten, and for not to be put back in time. So maybe if you wanna take it out and get a light period, don't take it out for the whole week. Take it out for two, three days and put it back. it's a lot of this. It doesn't have to always be done by the book. There's ways to, to use these different methods of contraception so that you will decrease the failure rate based on some of the real life situations that come up. Susan Stone: Kristina, I just thought about the funniest thing preparing for this podcast. Did you watch Seinfeld?  Kristina Supler: I did. Loved it.  Susan Stone: Do you remember? Elaine and saying, is someone sponge worthy? Oh, yes. Do you remember? Yes. No, we're  Dr. Lauren Streicher: enough that we know about sponges, but the college students certainly don't know about sponges. Susan Stone: So do you think now it's gonna be, are you LUWI worthy? Dr. Lauren Streicher: the thing is that,it could be. But the idea is to make this stuff easily attainable and affordable. Absolutely. The reason it became sponge worthy was because they were so hard to get expensive who were hoarding them. But the idea, particularly on college campuses, is you want to be as easy as buying a pack of gum is to have access to reliable contraception. It shouldn't have to be LUWI worthy. It shouldn't have to be condom worthy. It should be. Just in case worthy, I'm gonna, I love that I'm put this in because I don't know what's gonna happen tonight. But in the event that something does happen, I sure don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning and think, oh my God, what did I, you know, what just happened there? And obviously we wish that there weren't situations where people had too much to drink. Where there was non-consensual sex. But let's talk real life. Let's talk what's going on on campuses. And if a woman goes to a party or is out drinking, even if she has no intention of having sex, if she can place something in her vagina that is gonna protect against both STIs and pregnancy. Think of the peace of mind. Think of the anguish that young women go through the morning after when sometimes they're not even sure if something happens.  Susan Stone: But how long can that stay in you? The LUWI?  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Eight hours. You can put it in eight hours in advance.  Susan Stone: Okay. So it's not something that a young woman should keep in her backpack or purse and then run to the bathroom. It should be something put in before  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Yeah, no. She can put it in 10 seconds, but you can do both. Yeah. But you can have it in up to eight hours, But you can absolutely keep it in your backpack. And and everyone should. And it's, I really think it's gonna change the landscape because not only do you get the increased protection, but let's face it, historically, it all comes down to being women controlled. Always has been.  Kristina Supler: You've shared so much information with us today and I think, our listeners have learned a lot, hopefully by listening to this episode.  I want to clear up one piece of information that I hear often and regularly and it's been going around for an eternity. And that is, oh, I don't wanna go on birth control cuz it's gonna make me gain weight. Yeah. Myth or fact.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: Total myth. Total myth. And this isn't my opinion, this is based on literally millions of women over long periods of time. And you know, multiple, multiple studies that the average weight gain at most with a birth control pill is like two pounds, and the majority of them there is none. And the reason women gain weight when they go off to college is, the reasons you knows everything.  Kristina Supler: The unlimited meal plans,  Susan Stone: not alcohol. Alcohol.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: The alcohol is actually a huge factor because I think that the college students forget about, Not only how many calories there are in alcohol, but you kinda lose your willpower when you're sitting there drinking. You're also  Susan Stone: I know that's true at any age. That's my menopause excuse too thought I, it's not the red wine. Okay, this was a great episode.  Dr. Lauren Streicher: If you do think it's gonna make them gain weight, it will not. But there are so many other options and I really do believe that an i u D is critically important for young women of all ages. But I wanna, one other little fact that you may not know that's so interesting is there is,the Executive Director of the Kinsey Institute, Justin Garcia, he is the consultant for match.com, and every year they do an analysis of what people are looking for on online dating, as many students will do, and Tinder and what are the factors, all of them, right? And they found for the first time ever, that being anti-choice was a deal breaker for a record number of women. Isn't that interesting?  Susan Stone: I'm so happy you didn't let us stop this podcast until you got that out. that's a great fact. That's a beautiful and interesting fact. Yeah. And I wow.
Exploring the Topic of Gender Identity for both Parents and Children
21-06-2023
Exploring the Topic of Gender Identity for both Parents and Children
In this episode, KJK Student Defense attorneys Susan Stone and Kristina Supler talk with Dr. Michelle Fourcier, a Professor of Pediatrics, Assistant Dean of Medicine at The Warren Alpert Medical School of Brown University.  Dr. Forcier specializes in gender, sexual and reproductive health.  In this episode, they talk about what all the terms of LGBTQ+ mean, how pediatricians work with both parents and children about gender identity, and resources for parents to learn more about this complicated issue. Links: PubMed Website Show Notes: (04:12) Understanding the Gender Terminology within LGBTQ+ (06:59)  How Does Type of Care Different from Heteronormative (09:27)  Assigned Gender versus Gender Identity: What is the Difference? (12:16)  Is the Child Just Playing With Identities?  Or Do We Need to Act? (15:02)  When Does a Physician Decide if Hormones are Required? (16:44)  Do We Want Puberty in Children to Happen Later? (18:11)  How Pediatricians Work With Children to Keep Them Safe (19:15)  What are the Side Effects of Hormones? (20:52)  Blockers: What Do They Do? (22:43)  Conversations with Parents Who Are Not on Board with Hormones or Blockers (24:45)  When Do Children Go Through Surgery? (25:32)  When Surgery for Minors may be Necessary (27:46)  What are LARCs?  How Do They Prevent STIs? (30:36)  Dual Method for Birth Control and STI prevention (31:46)  Consider This Thought If Your 14 Year Old Child is Sexually Active (34:19)  Resources for Parents to Learn More Transcript: Susan Stone: So everybody out there listening to this podcast know that my, this is Susan and my daughter got married this weekend, and I'm a little tired.  But  Kristina Supler: though you think everyone knows that. Everyone doesn't actually know that.  Susan Stone: I know, but I felt the need. This is Real Talk guys out there on listening land. I am exhausted. But I had to come into work today cuz they knew that we had, the books, the recording of this podcast. And we're gonna talk about pediatric health for the L G P. Lg, I told you I'm tired. BTQ Plus community and I, Kristina, I just wanna have a conversation about the health needs and not a political conversation.  Kristina Supler: Yeah. I'm really looking forward to today's episode because I think there's so muchto talk about and learn to have more real conversations about the issues versus some of the politicized language that has pushed people into corners and people have in many ways shut down and are not open to learning new information. Susan Stone: and I think we're just forgetting that we're still talking about kids. So why don't you kick off the guest so we can just launch in and talk about whatever the health needs are of the kids and guys, let's leave the politics out. Okay? For once.  Kristina Supler: Today we are really happy to be joined by Dr. Michelle Fourier, who is an associate professor of pediatrics and an assistant dean at the medical school at Brown University. And with extensive training and experience in adolescent health and sexual healthcare, she's dedicated her career to addressing the unique needs of the LGBTQ plus youth.  Susan Stone: That is the guest we needed for today's podcast, a Doctor.  Perfect.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: So let's jump in.  Susan Stone: Let's just jump in. Dr. Fourier, can you explain exactly what you do for that population? Dr. Michelle Forcier: I have been a pediatrician for about 25 plus years. And I've been providing gender, sex and reproductive justice care, basically across the lifespanfor this period of time. And it's been a pretty exciting, community, pretty wonderful and satisfying community to work for and to work with. And the way I look at providing care for the L G B T Q community is that it really is primary care. Basically gender and sexuality are part of human identity. And they're there before we leave the womb. There's a neat study about in utero masturbation, which is kind of cool. So we get started early and we are gendered and sexual persons, until we die. So if we look at gender and sexuality as being a ubiquitous part of the human experience, and we look at biology as absolutely diversity is a part of biology. It's one of the basic tenets of biology. Then we understand that both sex and gender are gonna be diverse experiences for a range of different people and folks. And my role has been to provide care for some of our most marginalized community members, which is the L B G T Q I A plus. Sometimes it's easier just to say rainbow population. I like that.  Kristina Supler: Before we dive in further, just to get some terminology nailed down for our listeners who maybe aren't as familiar. you've spoken about gender and sex and we're referencing the plus, but can you just define those terms for our listeners, particularly the plus as well? Dr. Michelle Forcier: Sure. For many gender has been considered in this very binary, traditional way of male, female. Or heterosexual and homosexual. Sexuality is about who we love and who we're attracted to and who we have different sexual behaviors with. Gender is who we are. It's a part of our identity in terms of being masculine, feminine, non-binary and all the other ways that we could express, a gendered self. And the world for many years has been pretty limited in terms of only discussing these binary identities. I think with time, with improved social discourse, with the advent of the internet and increasing knowledge spread in, in diverse ways and diverse communities, we understand that there are many, many ways to be sexual and many ways to be gendered. So the L stands for lesbian, which are persons, we might say women who are attracted to or have sex with women. Gay usually is referenced to either, males or females who are attracted to the same gender partner, bisexual, historically has been the term for people who identify as being attracted to both males and females. But now we have even more inclusive terms, which are things like pansexual, which means gender doesn't factor into who I'm attracted to. Transgender or gender diverse are persons whose gender identity doesn't exactly match the gender they were assigned by their parts, chromosomes or hormones and birth. I is another. Initial for intersex or persons who have differences, in sexual development in the parts and organs they were born with. And A can mean asexual or persons who really don't have a sexual affinity or an interest in, sexual activity.  allied, And the plus means there are probably a million different ways, and we know there are a million different ways people may identify in terms of how they see themselves as a gendered person and their gender expression and gender role and gender self in the world, as well as their sexual, um, attraction, their sexual behaviors and their sexual identity in the world. Susan Stone: That's a lot. That's a lot. But here's messy. Something that comes into my mind, because you are a pediatrician. How do those differences make a difference in terms of just treatment for well visits? What is, what type of care is specific and unique to that population as opposed to what I would call a heteronormative child. Dr. Michelle Forcier: Sure. to be honest, in any visit, and again whether it's children or whether it's adults, we should be talking about these aspects of selfhood and behavior and health needs across the lifespan. Of course, we should do it in a developmentally appropriate way. So if we're gonna talk to a six year old about their gender identity, we might ask them, they're like, what is it like to be a boy or a girl? How does that feel to you? How do you express boyness? How do you express girlness, For a 16 year old, that may have very different words in terms of, how do you view your gender identity? What parts of it are comfortable for you, what parts are not comfortable? Do you have any questions? Again, the same with sexuality. Who might you have a crush on versus, a full sexual history forlater teen or young adult who's sexually active with one or more partners. So it's all about, again, using the language of the patient and understanding where they are developmentally to continue to talk about these aspects of both selfhood and wellness during health visits. Susan Stone: Well, I guess I wanna press you on that because I'm a mother of three. And I would say for the first 14 years of, checkups. It's, you know, height, weight, weight, vaccinations,  Kristina Supler: poking and prodding,  Susan Stone: poking and prodding, talking about school and milestones. We really,  Kristina Supler: or at least that was your experience with your child's children's pediatrician. Susan Stone: Yeah, but I just don't rem I don't think conversations regarding sex came into play until when the making a decision about the H P V vaccine or maybe when does menstruation start for that being the end of growth? I guess that's what I'm confused. Or birth control when that comes in. But other than that, I think of, how big is the baby? Dr. Michelle Forcier: And I'm thrilled that you ask about this. Because what I'm proposing is a slightly more advanced model of care in the sense that, again, if we know that there is gender diversity in the world and some youth present as gender diverse, gender exploratory as early as four, five, and six. Shouldn't we be talking to parents about, say again, educating people? Your child who is assigned male or female at birth. But we don't know what their gender identity may be later down the line. And that's the one or two sentences that a pediatrician can have with a parent to, again, describe and educate the difference between an assigned gender at birth and the fact that potentially two or three of probably more percent of the population of young people are going to be, or exploring gender, or at least talking about it over time. Then when we know that many youth undergo puberty and it's considered normal. As early as seven or eight year old, you can start having breast buds. By age seven or eight, it's considered within the normal range. You can be having a period by the age of 10. So if you're waiting for the magic number of teen years, 13, you've missed a whole bunch of folks that have already started many and of the stages of puberty and actually maybe completely, adult in their hormones and progressing toward adulthood very quickly in terms of their bodies.  So by waiting till kids are teens until quote unquote, they're ready to be sexual or ready to go through the process of puberty, we've missed the boat in preparing both parents and kids for helping their children approach adolescence, approach the changes of puberty. Approach the concepts of being a gendered or a sexual person in a healthy and supportive way.  Think about it. Wouldn't it be easy as a parent or easier as a parent to talk about sexuality when it's theoretical? Versus you're coming in because your daughter's pregnant and you didn't even know she was having sex? I would prefer to talk with kids in a developmentally appropriate way over time. So that kids are prepared to make decisions and that we're not going back and saying, okay, now we need to deal with an issue. Now we need to deal with a problem. Now we need to deal with some sort of health need versus let's talk about anticipatory guidance. Let's have our kids be healthy.  Susan Stone: I know that you are involved in giving T blockers or hormones.  Kristina Supler: Oh, I was gonna ask about that.  Susan Stone: Yeah. I'm really curious, when do you decide that's appropriate? What are the side effects? Are they safe and are they safe? And also, how do you know, and this is a lot, that a child's just not playing with identities and trying on what suit fits because there is discussion versus this is real and we need to act.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Sure. So we know that gender play trying on identities is common among kids. It's how again, we explore and figure ourselves out. But every kid that plays with their gender identity and gender rules and gender expression doesn't get hormones and doesn't go to a clinician to go get hormones. So if a child is really thinking hard and long about their gender identity, and oftentimes they'll think about it quite a bit before they even talk to their parents, they'll have that conversation with their parents about maybe the gender they were B with were born with doesn't quite fit them. Or maybe it absolutely doesn't fit them. And we have kids really at young ages, just like they know their cisgender identity. We have some kids at very young ages know their transgender identity. Regardless as a parent, in some ways, it really shouldn't matter what their gender identity is. What you want is to create a home situation and ideally again, or early clinical situation where kids and parents have lots of information so they can explore gender in whatever ways make sense for that child in a safe and healthy way. If you look at the studies by Kay Olson, the Trans Youth, project, she shows that kids that grow up in supportive environments, kids who present early as gender diverse and exploring gender identity, she demonstrates that they look just like their cisgender peers in terms of anxiety and depression growing up in supportive households. Now a supportive household doesn't care. The endpoint is a happy and safe child. It doesn't matter which directions the child goes in terms of gender identity, because as an accepting and loving parent, I don't care what their gender identity is. I want my child to be authentic. I want my child to feel safe. I want my child to feel loved. I want my child to feel heard and respected. And it doesn't matter what their gender identity is. They're my child.  Kristina Supler: Is there an average age when the research shows children start to explore gender identity and conversations are starting to be had within households or is it different for everyone? Dr. Michelle Forcier: It's different for everyone. I've had 80 year old patients come to me and say, now is the time that they're ready to start their gender affirmation process.  Susan Stone: But I do wanna press back on the question. Yeah. Because there are parents who do want to help their child. Yep. Good hormones are a health option. And I think Kristina's question was a good one. When does a physician make, how does a physician, and when does a physician make a choice that this is appropriate and are they safe?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: It's not based on age. It's based on need. And so a patient will go through a very thorough evaluation. People don't just walk in clinic and get a shot of puberty blockers, people. Kristina Supler: What do those evaluations entail?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Oh, long history. About home, about activities, about the family medical history, their medical history, their social history, substances, self harm and mental health issues, exposures at home, in school,  Kristina Supler: it's like I assume questionnaires are given to children and parents as well. Dr. Michelle Forcier: It depends. And I mean, I find that most kids would rather talk to me than fill out a piece of paper.  Susan Stone: Yeah. So we talk. So if you make the decision that it's appropriate, what are the, the benefits and what are the risks?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: So the benefits, again, just remember we're not having the same conversation about, say, kids that are using the same medication for precocious puberty. Again, just to remind yourself in the context of avoiding political chatter, same medicine, kids not talking about it at all. So these are very safe medicines that have been around for many, many years. And we've used them in first, studied them with precocious puberty. Again, completely reversible.  Susan Stone: because Provo, is it true doctor, that precocious puberty, which just for our listeners who mm-hmm. don't know what that is, that's the onset of pub. Pub of puberty, very, very early at life. And we wanna delay that as much as possible because they're now finding that, especially for females, you want a puberty go in later and menopause to be later.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Well, you want puberty to be later for a couple reasons. Number one, it would be really, really weird to have a fully feminized body at age six. Horrible. Yes. So they're social as well as biological consequences. And these kids use puberty blockers far longer than many of our trans kids. Again without all the bruja about safety and effectiveness. So puberty blockers basically are an hormone analog, and they fool glands in the brain to shut down and stop secreting the hormones that trigger ovaries and testes to secrete testosterone and estrogen, the sort of puberty hormones that start to create adult body and adult sort of physiology. And by putting this temporary pause on those brain gland signals, the ovaries and testes just sort of rust. They stop secreting. And when we take away that hormone, the ovaries and testes start secreting again. So it's sort of like putting a pause button on your Spotify or your, your music player. Pause, lift it back up. The music starts right back where it was. It just has a delay in time.  Susan Stone: Have children ever gone back but forth and said to you, you were, they were on the medication and then said they changed their mind? Or do you see that when kids are evaluated, you make that choice, they're happier, more fulfilled, and they'll stay on it long-term? Or is it across the board?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: It's across the board. as a pediatrician, we wanna keep asking kids, is this the right path for you? Should we be doing this? Does this still help you figure out who you need to be, where you need to go? Or are, have you figured some of these things out and don't need puberty blockers anymore? Or have you figured these things out and now need gender hormones? It all depends on the child. So our job is not to push someone forward through gender hormones or puberty blockers. It's to keep asking kids, what do you need? And that's medicine 1 0 1 patient. Sure. What do you need? Where are we now? Things change in our body. Things change in our heart and mind. We have to keep talking and listening to kids to find out what they need. So if they need to stop, they should. And if they need to, start again because stopping actually demonstrated that they are really uncomfortable with the changes of puberty. Then, yeah, we can honor that request and honor their experience.  Kristina Supler: So what are the, what are some of the risks though, that can be attendant to taking these hormones?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Well, the way I tell kids and parents having to come to the doctor to get a shot kind of stinks. So that's a risk and that's a bummer. Let's see if kids start these medicines very early in puberty, there's very little change in their internal hormone environment. So they don't have side effects like say, menopause, some hot flashes and some little bit of irritability as hormones are shifting.  Is growth impacted?  Growth usually, is, that's a great question. Impacted in the sense that, trans boys may have the potential to grow a little bit taller because we're gonna block estrogen's effect on growth plates. And for trans girls, again, we can work with them to look at again, their potential height or their, high trajectory to figure out how tall they are gonna be. And will that factor into, again, starting estrogen or gender hormones so we can use it again to inform our patients what their options are. So that they can be in a body that's comfortable and safe for them. Susan Stone: Well, is, are those blockers different than hor gender hormones to help, let's say in a trans. Would it be a child who identifies as trans male wanting to be female? I hope, again, I'm terms right and forgive me if I'm getting 'em wrong. So if you want to help someone develop the other way, or maybe a female by birth sex, who wants to be a male, is that a different type of hormone or medication protocol? Dr. Michelle Forcier: So blockers are used basically just to stop the current gonads, ovaries and testes from secreting, estrogen and testosterone. If a patient is either way past the beginning of puberty or a patient is on gender blockers, you know, puberty blockers, they can start the other hormones in the past referred to as cross-gender hormones to basically start the puberty that makes sense for them. So if I am identifying as female, and I have been on puberty blockers, At age, say 13 or 14 or 15 or 16, whenever again that child, that patient says it's appropriate for them, they have parent support and we all have a plan. They may start estrogen so that they can develop just like their peers. Which we think, again, has a positive health benefit in terms of, again, that congruence.  Socially with my body is developing just like my friends. I feel normal, I feel accepted, I feel like,I'm a part of my community. So for boys puberty usually happens a little bit later, so sometimes they might start their male testosterone hormones a little bit later, say, than females. But again, It's all dependent on when we first see a patient, how far they've gone through puberty, what they understand of their gender identity and where they are in terms of making a plan to affirm their gender identity or not, or just learn more and explore. Kristina Supler: What do you say to parents who are in your office with the child and the parent you can tell, just isn't on board with the child's desire to start hormone therapy or whatever the circumstance may be. What sort of conversations do you have?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Would that ever happen? Never. So yes, that happens quite frequently. We have parents that want us to say, this is just a phase or a fad. Let me tell you, being transgender or gender diverse is hard in our culture. It's hard. And when we see kids in our clinic, the vast majority of the time, they're there for real issues, real goals, and real pain. And we need again to start with taking our patients at their word and carefully explore what they mean by their experience, their dysphoria or their goals. So I tell parents, listen, you and I are coming from the same place. I want a safe kid, a kid who's around alive participating in the world, the kid who's healthy. Who's mentally and physically healthy. We may come at it from slightly different approaches. You're coming at it as I expected my child to be cisgender and to I wanna walk them down the aisle, at their wedding and they're gonna have a baby and provide me with grandchildren. And my job as that child's pediatrician is to say, your child is telling me that their body, if it's to continue to develop, say, into a female body, is gonna create such harm, such discomfort with their physical self, such anxiety and depression because in their heart and head they identify as male. And so we have to really listen to your, your child and hear what they say in terms of how do we explore the identity you were assigned at birth with the identity that you are telling me you experience now.  Susan Stone: When do you talk about surgery? When does that enter into the conversation? Because it's, I think, One, I think it's a very different conversation. When do you start maybe blockers or hormones versus when do you actually put a child through radical surgery that you can't reverse?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Most children don't go through quote unquote radical surgeries. In fact, children have far more radical surgeries for lots of other issues or problems, and they ascent to the process of surgery for whatever their healthcare needs, along with the consent of their parents. So I think that's the first thing to take that. would some children  Susan Stone: wa, I would say would wanna com complete the process right?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: But many children don't have necessarily the support or the resources to necessarily go through some of the more major and intensive surgeries. Vaginoplasty and phalloplasty creating a vagina and a penis are very intensive. People don't usually do that until after age 18.  Susan Stone: Okay. So it's not really a pediatric issue then?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: No. Now say there are some youth, and this is the more quote unquote common surgery, although again, with blockers, we don't have to do this quite as often now is say a child's developed breast at age seven or eight and say they identify longstanding as a trans male. Why? When they come see me at age 16, or they come see me at age 14 and by age 16 they're gender dysphoria regarding their adult size breasts, which they've had now for eight years is killing them. They're not showering. They're wearing a binder 24 7. They have suicidality and again, nothing's changed in their gender identity. Why would I say you need to wait two more years until the magic number of 18 to have a male chest construction knowing that nothing has changed from age six to now 16, and you have had eight years of female breast tissue That's harmful. The harm in that is far greater than the harm of saying you're 16, you've been through years of care with us. You're gonna be as assessed by a surgeon. The surgeon may require other information before they do your surgery. And then through this long standing process, not I come in the clinic and tomorrow I have my chest removed, oftentimes months to years I get my chest surgery and I no longer have to wear a binder 24 7 and I can take a shower. And look in the mirror.  Susan Stone: So it can be a pediatric issue. Yeah. Something that a pediatrician. Okay. That's all I wanted to understand. Yeah. Is this something that pediatricians deal with versus not? Dr. Michelle Forcier: Not too often. And most of the time when we get to the point of surgery, again, there may be a number of people involved including gender specialists as well as including mental health people as well as the team that works with the surgeon. So we're talking about a whole lot of people.  Kristina Supler: Dr. Forcier can you tell our listeners a little bit. I, in preparing for today, we came across the term or pneumonic I had never seen before. Lark. Susan Stone: I looked it up too.  Kristina Supler: How do you work with this population in terms of contraception and tell our listeners what a lark is and yeah,  Susan Stone: Because a lark is not a bird, guys. It's an acronym.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: No, and it's wonderful. It's a long acting, completely reversible contraception. They are a little device we can put in the arm or an intrauterine device we put in the uterus. So the I U D, right? Yeah, exactly. They're so effective in terms of preventing pregnancy.  Now we know that young people may not identify, they may identify as straight, but they have either same sex relationships. We also know that young women who have sex with women are actually at increased risk for STIs in pregnancy because they're not prepared.  Susan Stone: Wait, wait. So I was gonna say, if you have a child who tells you that they're interested in only sex with their own matching sex, not gender. Mm-hmm. Because that can be an identity issue. Yeah. You know what? I have to be honest with you, Dr. I would think, why do I need to go down the contraception path?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Because the data says that young women who have sex with women get STIs and get pregnant because they're exploring well, but wait.  Susan Stone: But long act larks won't prevent an sti I only condom use. Correct. Or dances. They're not  Dr. Michelle Forcier: having sex barriers prevent  Susan Stone: STIs. yes. But given we all know, we can all say that. But we are in the world. World and teens engage in sexual activity. I like the idea of a lark in terms of, you don't have to depend on taking that pill and memory. You got, I gotta be honest with you though, it's not as good though in terms of St I. Infection prevention, is it?  Dr. Michelle Forcier: No, it's purpose is not to prevent STIs. To be like asking your microwave to show you a TV show. Your microwave isn't gonna play Netflix. It's a D, it's a d it's a device for a different purpose. So we need, so I feel like I'm missing about this. Talk about them as separate  Susan Stone: pieces. Help me out. help me out. I'm getting confused.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: I dunno.  Kristina Supler: I'll ask the dumb question. so I mean it's essentially an i u d . Dr. Michelle Forcier: What's essentially an i u D? A lark. Well, no, there's one that goes in the arm or and there's one that goes in the uterus. There, there are different kinds of long, I was confused. Thank you. Yeah. Got it. Cause it's just about the location of the implant. Some young people don't want people putting things in their uteruses. They don't want a pelvic exam. They're freaked out. And so that little rod in the arm that suppresses ovulation, wonderful. Very effective, very easy to put in and take out. Nice.  Kristina Supler: So it's really about patient comfort and what the patient is more,open to.  Dr. Michelle Forcier: Shouldn't that be patient care 1 0 1 anyway?  Susan Stone: Yes. Yeah. But, but, but we still need to insist that students are mindful of using condoms or other ways of preventing disease. So what do you recommend a LARC plus what Dr. Michelle Forcier: I mean the lit well number when the literature shows that, dual methods are wonderful and especially dual methods of STI protection with some sort of barrier method or condom, internal external condom. Or again, a lark in terms of a long-acting reversible contraceptive.  So again,think about the story. You have a parent coming in and she's worried about her teen being sexually active, right? And she says, I don't wanna, I don't wanna allow her to have birth control, even though she tells me this is what she wants, cuz that's gonna give her permission to have sex. Do you really think the parent allowing birth control gives that child permission to have sex? Or do you think that child's gonna make that decision to have sex on their own?  Susan Stone: You're talking to two lawyers whose whole practice is dealing with students and issue sex issue. So and and I have to gather that people who listen to our podcast are well on the way of understand. I guess our questions are focused differently because really our parents all are very supportive of their students and their choices. We're very lucky that